FCC Orders Bert & Ernie Into Controversial Conversion Therapy

Bert Ernie rainbow

There’s chaos on Sesame Street! After a former Sesame Street writer this week out’ed Bert and Ernie, confirming that they are indeed gay and in a long term, committed relationship. No marriage records could be found in New York State or Connecticut, where the Children’s Television Workshop is located. “Technically, I’m not sure how they could have ever been married in our state because they don’t have last names.”, said Vero Phy, of the Connecticut Secretary of State’s office. Bert and Ernie did not return our requests for interviews and reportedly did not show up for work on the set Wednesday.

In Washington, Vice president Mike Pence on Wednesday ordered the FCC to take action against PBS for allowing Bert and Ernie to “encourage homosexuality” to the children of America. “We need to Make America Straight Again.”, Pence said to a crowd of cheering evangelicals at a White House prayer breakfast Wednesday. “This is about protecting our children.”

FCC president Rich Whiteman sent a letter Wednesday to the CEO of PBS ordering Ernie and Bert to undergo immediate conversion therapy or risk their FCC Broadcasting license. PBS refused comment about the FCC’s order to send both performers to conversion therapy. Conversion therapy is extremely controversial and has been outlawed in some areas. The method of convincing homosexuals to become straight has been blamed for suicides and is not endorsed by most mainstream health care organizations as a valid form of medical or psychological treatment.

Rumors have been swirling about the sexuality of Ernie and Bert since Miss Piggie insinuated their love affair last year on The View. “Well the biggest clue,” said Miss Piggy, “is that neither of them have ever shown the slightest bit of interest in pretty ole moi. Let’s just say, that straight men can’t look away from these loins.”

Oscar the Grouch scolded reporters, “Hey, I’m the one that’s supposed to be talking trash, not the media. Leave ‘em the heck alone. They ain’t bothering anybody.” But Sesame Street’s resident vampire, Count von Count, agreed with conservatives saying, “We can’t have one homosexual, two homosexuals… because then we’ll have three homosexuals, then four homosexuals, then five homosexuals…”

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Trump Orders Kavanaugh Accuser’s Testimony Released Early

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Tuesday, Sept 18, 2018, 10:29pm EST

WASHINGTON D.C. – In what could be a possible setback for the Supreme Court nomination of Judge Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee Monday scheduled additional testimony for next week regarding the new allegations against him. Committee Chairman Charles Grassley (R-IA) said that as of now only Kavanaugh and the Palo Alto University professor who has accused him of attempted rape while he was in high school, will be allowed to testify next week in this matter.

In what was a stunning move late today, President Trump ordered the release of Monday’s Judiciary hearing testimony in advance of the actual hearing. “Why wait until Monday to hear these allegations when we already know what they are? And they are only allegations. You must remember that he says he’s innocent. Just like Judge Roy Moore said he was innocent, this Judge, and Mark Judge, all the judges say they are innocent. We have to remember that.”, said the President from the White House Rose Garden today when asked about the transcript release.

Below is the unedited transcript of next Monday’s testimony between the Senate Judiciary Committee members and professor Christine Blasey Ford.

Senator Grassley.(R-IA) Thank you for coming today Ms. Ford. Or are you a Mrs.? Do you have a husband?

Professor Ford. I’m sorry?

Senator Grassley. Did you bring your husband here to help you answer these questions today? It’s not like those game shows where you can call a friend and have him answer your questions for you.

Senator Harris.(D-CA) I would ask the chair to be recognized. That is an outrageous thing to say… 

Senator Grassley. You shut up, girl.

Senator Harris. Wha… are you…

Senator Grassley. That’s right, I said shut up. I have the gavel and elections have consequences. (to Professor Ford) Now answer the darned question!

Professor Ford. No, my husband did not come today.

Senator Grassley. And you can’t text him neither.

Senator Durbin.(D-IL) Mr. Chairman, this witness is not trying…

Senator Grassley. You shut up too, Durbin. I’m tired of this nonsense. (To Ford) You say Kavanaugh tried to rape you, right? Well I have your yearbook picture in front of me and I rather doubt that. (Senator Cruz laughs)

Senator Hirono.(D-HA) Mr. Chairman!

Senator Grassley. I yield my time to the gentleman from Utah.

Senator Hatch.(R-UT) Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Ms. Ford…

Professor Ford. That’s Professor. Professor Ford.

Senator Hatch. Ms. Ford. What were you wearing that night, do you remember?

Senator Klobuchar.(D-MN) Mr. Chairman, that is…

Professor Ford. Jeans and a halter top.

Senator Hatch. Did you ever see The Exorcist?

Senator Harris. Mr. Chairman, that is…

Senator Hatch. We outlawed halter tops in in my homestate of Utah because they do the work of the devil. Replaced them with magic underwear and it worked out great. Mr. Chairman, I’d ask that you enter into the record this document about the magic powers of magic underwear.

Senator Grassley. Without objection.

Senator Hatch. Yield back, Mr. Chairman.

Senator Grassley. To the gentleman from Texas…

Senator Feinstein.(D-CA)   Mr. Chairman, it’s a Democrat’s

Senator Grassley. Shut up woman.

Senator Feinstein. Mr. Chairman. I am the ranking member of this committee for years and I…

Senator Grassley. Well if you were in such a dad-gummed hurry why didn’t you disclose this to the committee when this so-called professor alerted you about it a month ago?

Professor Ford. I’m a professor, sir, of clinical psychology.

Senator Grassley.  Well.  Go ahead Senator Cornyn. It’s your turn to get her.

Senator Booker.(D-NJ) Uh, Mr. Chairman, this is a witness that we all…

Senator Cornyn. I should have kicked you out of the Senate last week Booker T.

Senator Booker. Excuse me? Did you just say…

 Senator Grassley. (gaveling) Order. Order. Sit Booker. Mr. Cornyn the floor is yours.

Senator Cornyn. Did you ever have sex with Mr. Kavanaugh?

Senator Feinstein. Mr. Chairman, that is out of line!

Senator Cornyn. You should try it Ms. Feinstein. You might like it. (all the men on the committee laugh)

Senator Cruz.(R-TX) (snickering) Cubans like it. I know that!

Professor Ford. No, I never did.

Senator Cornyn. Never did what?

Professor Ford. Had sex.

Senator Cornyn. Well like Senator Feinstein, you should try it too, ma’am. You also might like it. (Republicans laugh) 

Senator Leahy.(D-VT) Mr. Chairman, that is absolutely outrageous that a member of this committee… 

Senator Grassley.  Too late, Senator Leahy. Too late, because we’re at the first recess.

 Senator Leahy. I don’t care about the…

Senator Grassley. Well you may not care, Mr. Leahy, about the traditions of this fine  institution, but some of us do still care about the important things in this body, like recess. (gaveling) This committee stands in recess for one hour! (adjourned)

Trump calls Hurricane Florence a Hoax!

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Thursday, Sept 13, 2018   6:15pm, EST

Washington, D.C. – As Florence, one of the largest hurricanes to hit the U.S. in decades, bears down on the Carolina coast, President Trump tweeted Thursday that the magnitude of the storm is being “… strongly exaggerated by the National Weather Service. It’s a hoax! They do this so they can blame me, just like they did in Puerto Rico, but it’s not gonna work because this is just rain. Just plain rain. It’s basically fake news…except for the storm.”

Byron Shelton, head of the National Weather Service assured the public in a live news conference at 1pm EST Thursday that the satellite imagery of the hurricane is indeed accurate and that the National Weather Service stands by its forecast. The National Hurricane Center also warned the public to heed their advice to evacuate coastal areas and take precautions as ordered by their local government. “This is not a hoax at all. It is a powerful storm that shouldn’t be trifled with.”, said hurricane expert Louise Thurmond of the NHC, at the same press conference.

President Trump tweeted 15 minutes later saying that, “I hate the word trifle, because it seems like truffles, which are very top notch chocolate mushrooms, but it’s not. Trifle means to mess with something. Like the fake media likes to trifle with me!”

FEMA Administrator Brock Long released a statement saying that “FEMA is doing it’s best to get positioned ahead of this storm, but because of its size, we’re having to pre-position our resources hundreds of miles inland. That’ll slow our response times. This one is gonna be a mess.”

President Trump contradicted his FEMA administrator Thursday afternoon when he called into a live FOX News show and said, “Everything is ready for this little storm. It’s just a little storm, nothing to be afraid of. We’ve got the paper towels to toss. Some said I threw them at Puerto Ricans, which is a lie. It was on the news, you can see me tossing them, not throwing, but a toss. Very respectful. And we’ve got water, in bottles, because the people like to get their bottles of water. We’re more ready than anyone has ever been.”

Puerto Rico Governor Ricardo Rosselló finally broke his silence about the Trump administration’s response to last year’s hurricane on the U.S. island and Trump’s denial this week that the death toll was in the thousands, as confirmed by George Washington University. “I’ve sat quietly beside him in the Oval Office while he gave himself an A+ for the rescue efforts in Puerto Rico.”, said the Governor. “I bit my lip when he came and threw paper towels at my people. But questioning the numbers of the thousands of Americans who died as a result of Maria and its aftermath is too just much.”

“When I visited Puerto Rico after the storm last year, there were only a handful of deaths. Now they say thousands died. The government of that country needs to get its so-called facts straight.”, said Trump Thursday afternoon. “Don’t get me wrong, it could be a beautiful country, but not if they’re all dying like that.”

Trump Bans Words, Again

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Tuesday Sept. 11, 2018, 7:31pm, EST

Washington D.C. – President Trump announced in a tweet late Tuesday that he is banning more words. He began banning specific words several months ago, although there is no indication of how those words have actually been banned since they are all still being used and since the powers of the president do not include the power to ban words. In fact, his banning of words has led to an increase of internet searches for the very words Trump has announced as “banned”, said officials at Google.

The President tweeted Tuesday evening, “Too many lies by the fake newsman Bob Woodward. Leaves me no choice but to ban the words he’s using to lie about me.” Among the words Trump is now “banning” are: Woodward, Bob, Robert, Roberto, Mueller, Post, Washington, collusion (because there IS NO collusion), corroborated, plea deal, Cohon, flip, flipper, dolphins, deposition, deposit, depose, perjury (because it’s all just a perjury trap), jury, jewelry, psycho, narcissist, moron, idiot, lodestone, resistance, New, York, Times.

“Woodward is a showboater who lies about everything.” Trump said on Tuesday morning. “I would have loved to have talked with him, I told him this, and he recorded me, and I said go right ahead cuz that’s what they do, the left, to try to catch me saying something, anything. But it’s fine because everyone knows that Bob Woodward has had a very sad career and has nothing whatsoever to show for it.” When a reporter asked if he knew about Woodward’s contribution to Watergate, he said, “It’s a very shabby building, The Watergate. There’s no water and there’s no gates. What a rip off of a building. Figures Woodward would build something like that.”

Aretha Frankly

 

bussingI’m reposting this in honor of the great Aretha Franklin, whose funeral was today in Motown. This essay is not about Ms. Franklin, it is my first recollection of the civil rights movement. But the title is a tribute to her, the first Aretha I knew of as a child, and someone who had a profound influence on civil rights in America.

By Jay McAdams

I was in the 3rd grade when school desegregation began in Oklahoma City. The entire South had been protesting desegregation for nearly two decades, since the 1954 Supreme Court’s Brown vs. Board of Education ruling, which overturned the 1896 Plessy vs. Ferguson decision that had ruled for “separate but equal” schools for blacks and whites. Angry mobs of white people had been held back by national guard troops at elementary schools, high schools, and even colleges across the South in the ‘50’s and ’60’s and now it was 1972 and The Supreme Court ordered bussing to force schools to end segregation. I understand all of this today as a middle-aged man, but at 8 years old I didn’t know any of this historical context. I just knew that it was fun to protest because it meant riding around town in the back seat of our Rebel convertible and holding up signs. It was like being in a parade. People honked and we waved. I was just a kid, so I only understood the issue from the POV of the adults around me, who were all Southern white conservatives. I understood that it was about racial tension between blacks and whites, but it only made sense if you bought into the premise that blacks were bad. But if you believed that to be the truth, then it made perfect sense to fight forced bussing. So we drove around for weeks after my mom got off work, with me and my sister holding up our handmade “Bomb Bussing” signs, which I was very proud of because I drew that stereotypical round bomb with the fuse, and I drew it perfectly.

But then, on the first day of bussing I got a different perspective. I remember very clearly that first day when black students were bussed to McKinley Elementary, my neighborhood school. As I walked to school that morning I came upon quite a scene. Parents were lined up in front of the school, shoulder to shoulder. The buses were parked there, full of frightened African American kids staring out of the windows at the not-so-welcoming crowd. Their parents weren’t there to protect them or comfort them. Just the angry white parents from the neighborhood. I remember a girl on the bus with her face pressed up against the glass in a mask of fear. I felt so badly for those kids. There were no police or screaming white people, nobody was shouting or doing anything overtly rude, yet it was palpably tense. Nobody was talking, and except for the wind, it was eerily silent. It was one of those movie moments, where everything seemed heightened with extreme close-ups and slow motion to the amplified sound of wind like in an old Clint Eastwood western. For months I’d been repeating the slogans of the adults in the room and the headlines on the news, but now I was seeing race relations for myself. They walked the children off the bus and into the school and we all stared as if they were aliens from another planet, as if we’d never seen black people before. My 3rd grade teacher, Mr. Jackson, was African American but somehow that seemed different.

When I got to my classroom Mr. Jackson had seated the new students randomly around the room. I sat next to a tall girl named Aretha. I could tell she was scared and I felt the need to try to make everything seem normal. I felt really sorry for the kids who were bussed in, so I made it a point to talk to Aretha at recess. Once the adults were out of the way, I realized that we were all just people. When you were eye to eye, it became clear pretty fast that we were all just kids. By the end of the day, Aretha and I were friends. I remember going home and reporting at the dinner table about my new friend Aretha. That day started off feeling very weird to me, but in the end it felt triumphant because of Aretha. Bussing wasn’t so bad after all. What had we been so scared of? A couple of years later, I’d be bussed to a mostly black school on the opposite side of town, but by then the controversy had died down and there was no hostile group of African American parents waiting to intimidate my bus full of white kids. There was no problem. And my 5th grade, just like my 4th and 3rd turned out just fine.

In my recollection, I am the hero, the omniscient 8-year old. In my memory I was the only one with empathy for the African American kids. But that must not actually have been the case. I couldn’t have been the only one seeing those terrified kids on the bus and feeling empathy for them. Maybe the reason those white parents were so quiet wasn’t because they were staring those little kids down to intimidate them, but rather because they too felt empathy for those visibly scared children. I hope that was the case.

I have only known a few people that I think to be truly color-blind, who just don’t see race when they look at someone. I want to be like that, but I am sometimes haunted by those headlines from my formative years. Most of us learned as kids to fear other races or nationalities or religions and no matter how ridiculous and reprehensible we find that as adults, it is hard to change what was imprinted in your youth. Today we know that racism does not come naturally to children, it is taught. At least the majority of us know that. Kids don’t naturally hate other kids because of race. They are taught that. They repeat what they hear from adults, like I did. Let’s just hope America’s parents have had the TV turned off for the last year. And that they will keep it off for the immediate future.

Trump Fires Shatner from Space Force

Capt kirk

Washington D.C. – Aug 29, 11:51pm EST  – –  President Trump tweeted Wednesday that he was firing actor William Shatner. “I’m not happy with the slow progress of Space Force. It’s been weeks since I announced it, and where is it? Where’s our Captain Kirk?”

William Shatner said he had never met Trump, and that he had no idea what he was talking about.

Trump fired back on Shatner’s Snap Chat page using the Snap Chat lion filter. “YOU’RE FIRED!”, he roared looking like a strange man-lion. “Just like they fired you from those Priceline ads. Fired from everything. Fired Shatner. Fired.”

Shatner laughed when shown the president’s posts. “The sad thing is, I would have taken the job.”, Shatner joked, “ I mean, at my age a job is a job.”

Just last week Trump fired Omarosa from the job of Communications Director of Space Force after her press blitz calling the president insane. “Wouldn’t she look perfect as the new Lt. Uhura? In that little skirt… from the 60’s? Can’t you just see that? With that thing in her ear.” Like Shatner, Omarosa had never spoken with anybody about joining anything called Space Force. But unlike Shatner who joked about wanting the job, Omarosa said she is seriously interested in the job of Communications Director for Space Force and is … “waiting by the phone.”

Kellyanne Conway claimed Space Force is up and running, “Who are you to say that there is no Space Force? How dare you?” But when pressed for details of how many service members Space Force has and where it was located Conway said, “It’s in space. That’s where it is. I’m surprised you CNN guys aren’t smarter.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders went even further than Conway saying Wednesday at the White House daily briefing, “Space Force is the best force and the biggest space force in history. Period.”

The Washington Post reported Wednesday that they had contacted every single government agency, and that nobody in any of these agencies was aware of the creation of a Space Force. When asked why Trump tweeted that he was frustrated with the progress of Space Force if it is already up and running, Sanders replied, “In the words of Kellyanne Conway, How dare you!”

Trump tweeted late Wednesday, “I’m considering giving Captain Kirk a second chance, because mostly he beat the bad guys and got the girls. I’m considering making Shatner Attorney General.”