Democrats Getting Ready to Get Tough

Washington DC —  May 22, 10:15am EST        “House Democrats have finally had enough!” said a leading Democratic congressman, who spoke on condition of anonymity as he entered a closed-door meeting of the House Democratic caucus Wednesday morning to discuss impeachment of the president. Democrats are newly emboldened about the prospect of starting impeachment proceedings after the Trump administration has refused to honor all congressional subpoenas.

Even Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who until now has tried to quell impeachment talk among Democrats, is speaking tough. “The president is involved in a cover-up! And we will not be pushed around any longer.”  When asked by reporters what Democrats would do if former presidential advisor Hope Hicks ignores her subpoena as former White House Counsel Don McGahn did yesterday, Pelosi said, “We’ll see to it that we get her swift attention. We will hit her where it hurts.” While Pelosi refused to state what specific punishment Hicks might face, Pelosi’s deputy did not deny the rumor that House Democrats are prepared to have Hicks banned from all “cosmetics stores” in the DC area.

And if that isn’t tough enough, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke (D-TX) went even further. “We are prepared to order Don McGahn’s mother to testify on Capitol Hill if he keeps stonewalling. Nobody wants to see their mother dragged in front of the cameras.” 

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) threatened to have the gym memberships revoked of all Trump administration officials who ignore subpoenas. “We’re taking off the kid gloves and hitting them where it hurts!” Nadler said.

While no reporters were allowed in the closed-door meeting, it was leaked that Democratic caucus members overwhelmingly supported ordering the House sergeant-at-arms to have “the boot” put on the cars of all those administration officials who put themselves above the law and ignore subpoenas. “This is it. We’re fed up and we’re taking action!” said Pelosi as she exited the meeting. “We’re praying and we’re taking action. We’re all in agreement that the time has come to put an end to this flouting of the law.” Pelosi added. “When their cable is shut off, they’ll know we mean business.”

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DHS Sends TSA to the Border

Why Stephen Miller Loves Blue Gloves

Washington, DC,  Friday May 17, 2019 – The Department of Homeland Security confirmed this week that they have ordered nearly two hundred TSA personnel to the southwestern border to “assist in the humanitarian and security crisis at the US/Mexican border.” DHS refused to say specifically what role TSA personnel would play at the border.

While this move surprised many, some members of the Trump administration have been expecting TSA’s role to increase at the border for nearly a month. It has been rumored for weeks that presidential advisor Stephen Miller became infatuated with a male TSA agent after being patted down before a recent flight at Reagan International airport. White House staffers say they first became aware of Miller’s crush when he showed up for work the following Monday wearing blue rubber gloves. “I first thought it was a joke, until he tried to look inside my briefcase and told me to throw away my bottled water.” said a perplexed west wing staffer on background. “And he’s been wearing them every day since.”

TSA officials at Reagan International airport confirmed that after Miller was hand-searched by an unidentified male TSA screener in early April, and that he returned to the metal detector for additional screening 7 times before his flight. “He kept requesting another search by the same male agent.” said a TSA manager, “and when nothing was found he’d smile and say, ‘Well, maybe next time.’ Then he’d walk back around and get in line again.”

DHS officials in Washington denied that the deployment of TSA personnel at the border has anything to do with Miller’s personal life. “We simply needed our best trained people at the border, and nobody is as sharp as our TSA screeners.” said Asst. DHS Secretary Ima White.  When asked about the high percentage of guns and bombs that TSA screeners have failed to detect in numerous security tests nationwide, White said, “Yes, but how many illegal bottles of Evian have been confiscated by TSA in every airport nationwide? Nobody ever gives us credit when the system works.”

Reporters shouted questions to Miller Thursday night as he left the White House, which prompted him to raise his blue-gloved hand as if to stop them. “Nobody suggested that Michael Jackson was in love with a gorgeous TSA guy when he wore a glove, did they? But why is it when a white guy wears a glove to express himself it’s suddenly suspicious?” Miller continued to deny that he is gay when asked by reporters, and accused them of being homophobic. “If you think somebody is gay just because they know a good search when they feel one, then you’re the crazy one. Then you’re a liberal!” 

Nearly an hour later Miller was reported to have been shouted out of Pepitos, a nearby D.C. Mexican restaurant, after being recognized because of his blue gloves while sipping a mango margarita in the bar.

Trump: Rename Notre Dame

Washington, D.C. Wed April 17, 2019.    Less than 48 hours after the world watched in tears as the famed Notre Dame Cathedral burned in Paris, U.S. President Donald Trump has offered to personally pay to rebuild the beloved global monument, on one condition. That is the problem, according to French Interior Minister, Christophe Cantaner. “His offer depends upon the renaming of Notre Dame. It’s conceited. It’s impossible.  It’s gauche.  It’s beyond stupid.” said Cantaner Wednesday morning when asked about the offer after touring the iconic Cathedral’s damage.

Just hours earlier Trump had told reporters at the White House… “Look, I myself will pay for the rebuilding of the Cathedral of Notre Dame, and maybe if I did that, my friend Macron, he’s little but he’s smart, so smart he married his teacher, a cougar, much older than he is. He’s my friend, admires me very much. He gives a great parade. Military parade.  Maybe if I pay to rebuild it, maybe Macron will name it after me. That’d be nice, don’t ya think?  Trump Towers Paris, because there are still several towers left.  More than one.  So it’s gotta be Towers with an S.” 

French President Emmanuel Macron smiled when asked if he was taking Trump’s offer seriously, saying “Notre Dame will be rebuilt by the French.  It belongs to France, and only we can rebuild it.” When pressed by reporters for further comment the French President replied, “There will be no renaming of Notre Dame. Not on my watch. Not ever.”

Trump said in an Oval Office press gaggle that he’d pay for the new Notre Dame walls… “if they’d make the new walls out of see-thru steel slats. We’ve already got bids on those from San Diego and I can make that happen so fast, walls even Californians would love. We need to make sure no immigrants get in there and start more fires. Here it’s the Mexicans we worry about, there it’s the Syrians and Africans. But they really should put my name on it too, if I were going to pay for it, don’t ya think?”

DHS Secretary Nielsen Quits to Become CEO of Los Cojones!™

WASHINGTON DC – Mon April 8, 2019        Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, abruptly resigned on Sunday, after months under fire from democrats and even President Trump, who appointed her. Liberals had been battling Nielsen over her many controversial policies, including the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents as they attempted to apply for asylum at the US/Mexican border.

Last week President Trump increased his attacks on Nielsen, saying “She lost her nerve but she needs to find it again and refill those cages.” Trump was referring to the fenced holding cells that have been used to incarcerate the Central American refugee children apprehended at the border.  The tactic of taking the children away from their parents at the border was an effort of the Trump administration to intimidate immigrants, which backfired when public rage about locking up children in fenced cages swelled and DHS reversed the policy. DHS has been unable to reunite thousands of children, according to DHS statistics as recently as last week.

Nielsen announced Sunday that she is resigning from government to accept the position of CEO of the beleaguered Mexican restaurant chain, Los Cojones!™  “It’s no secret that I love Mexican food, and have really missed it.”, said Nielsen, referring to the public shouting down she received in a Mexican restaurant after the child separation began in June of 2018. Video of protestors shouting SHAME while Nielsen dined in a DC-area Mexican restaurant went viral and forced Nielsen to leave the restaurant giving up her favorite three-cheese enchiladas in tomatillo sauce.

“I’ve had to do without chimichangas for too long now.” Nielsen said Sunday.  “I’ve always loved Los Cojones!™” Nielsen acknowledged on Sunday, so I’m very excited about making many positive changes as I did in my tenure at DHS.”

The bankrupt national Mexican restaurant chain is in 22 red states and California. “The famous Los Cojones!™ Wet Bars, for instance, will soon be called Los Cojones!™ Wet Backs!”, Nielsen said.  “We’ve got to have a sense of humor about these things.” 

Nielsen is also planning to add new menu items including the Trump Tostada, a tostada shell full of nothing but red meat, except in the California stores where Nielsen admitted, ” we’ll have to throw in some salad.” 

Nielsen also plans to add children’s sections in all Los Cojones!™ restaurants. “No parents will be allowed in those sections so that they can enjoy a nice quiet dinner with a Margarita while their children will be treated to free kid’s meals and crayons. But don’t worry.” Nielsen added. “All of those children will be reunited with their parents… after they pay, and even given free Los Cojones!™ Pralines™.”

Stephen Miller Prepares to Close the Border

After a week of threatening to close the U.S./Mexican border, President Trump’s immigration advisor Stephen Miller ordered Sorry, We’re Closed signs for all official border crossings between the U.S. and Mexico on Sunday.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed early Wednesday that Miller ordered the signs from Vistaprint® over the weekend after watching Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke stand on the Meet the Press desk during his interview with Chuck Todd. Sunday afternoon Miller ordered more plastic signs in Spanish, which read Lo Sentimos, Está Cerrado. Vistaprint® confirmed that they honored their 50 Signs for 50 Bucks deal on the second order, at Miller’s insistence, even though technically the fine print of the deal reads Only one special order per customer.

Vistaprint® also confirmed that Miller on Monday called to make a phone order for 50 4x8ft banners that read Management Reserves the Right to Refuse Service and another 50 banners in Spanish, La Gerencia se Reserva el Derecho de Rechazar el Servicio. But those banners were never printed, according to Vistaprint® sales manager Olivia Gonzalez. “Mr. Miller got pretty upset and yelled at me when I told him that the 50 for $50 deal only applied to signs, and not banners.” said Gonzalez. “He said it was false advertising and that he could get them printed for cheaper in Mexico. He said he was going to give us a 1-Star Yelp review and then he hung up.”

DeVos Proposes Eliminating Funding for Puppies

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos

WASHINGTON D.C. – Friday March 29th, 12:53pm ET Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, appearing before Congress for a second day Friday, retracted her call for defunding the Special Olympics after being berated by House Democrats on Thursday and after President Trump contradicted her Thursday evening by voicing support for funding the event for people with special needs. Media accounts framed DeVos as being “thrown under the bus by the administration”.

DeVos said Friday about her reversal, “I’ve been supportive of funding The Special Olympics behind the scenes for several years. Except for yesterday.” 

Illinois Democrat Richard Durbin responded, “Well, I guess you deserve a gold medal in hypocrisy for your performance yesterday, Madame Secretary.”  Durbin then held up a card, as would an Olympic judge, that said in handwritten magic marker, A Perfect 10 in Hypocrisy!

DeVos thanked Durbin for the high score.  “I do like gold very much, Congressman, and I’m so flattered for the high marks, but it might not look right if I accepted the gold metal, so I think I’d better let the handicapped people have those precious metals.”

“It’s a gold medal, not metal with a T.” Durbin pointed out.

“Gold is a precious metal, no matter how you spell it, Senator.” DeVos responded.

“And the term ‘handicapped’ is outdated and insensitive.”, added Durbin. “And I’m not a… oh never mind.”

Later in her testimony the Secretary of Education shocked even Republicans on the committee when she called for funding cuts for puppies and ice cream. Trump loyalist Devin Nunez (R-CA) asked, “How, for the love of God, can you cut funding for ice cream?”

“It distracts children from learning.” DeVos responded. “We have to make some hard choices because of the tax cuts for the poor.” She then giggled and added, “It’s been a rocky road.”

A.G. Barr Inserts Himself Into Smollett Case

WASHINGTON, DC – Attorney General William P. Barr inserted himself into another high profile investigation Tuesday when he sent a letter to the House Judiciary Committee stating “I believe that it is in the public interest for me to decipher the controversial Jussie Smollett case and to summarize the principal conclusions reached by the Illinois State Attorney’s Office.” The State Attorney abruptly dropped all charges against the actor on Tuesday for allegedly staging his own “racially-motivated” beating. 

The Attorney General attempted to clear the Empire actor by stating emphatically that, “[T]he investigation did not establish that Smollett conspired or coordinated with the two Russian African brothers.”

Barr’s clearing of Smollett ignored email and telephone records that Chicago police say proved the actor did indeed coordinate with the brothers in planning the incident.  Outraged Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel fought back tears as he railed against the AG, “Who is the Attorney General to interfere with Chicago’s internal corruption? That’s our business, not his. Barr should stick to misinterpreting the Mueller report and leave the misinterpreting of the Smollett case to us in Chicago!”

But Barr ignored the mayor’s admonition to stay out of the case and insisted on Wednesday that “My job is to step in and make the calls in cases where there’s confusion.” The Attorney General also weighed in Wednesday on the issue of climate change and concluded there’s not enough evidence to say it’s real.

Democrats pounced on Barr’s comments accusing him of trying to appeal to black voters as President Trump ramps up his reelection campaign. “The Attorney General seems to think he’s now Judge Judy”, said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) early Wednesday, “And he seems to think he needs to give us all a thumbs up or down in every case. He’s lowered the bar at the Justice Department.”

Barr later interpreted Pelosi’s comment for the American people, as a good example of a bad pun.