Trump Predicts Consulate Murder Video will be “Ratings Gold”

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WASHINGTON- Oct.18th, 2018, 7:15am, EST       President Trump tweeted early this morning that he predicts “ratings gold… high ratings if the Turks will release that video of the consulate.”, referring to video the Turkish government claims to have of the torture and murder of Saudi-born Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, which allegedly took place in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.

“If they really have this video,” the president tweeted, “as bad as it is, as grizzly as it is, I think Americans and people around the world for that matter will go crazy for it. Look at how well the slasher movies do, and those haunted houses where they jump out and grab you by the… whatever, and chase you with chainsaws. People, as odd as it seems, people really like that stuff.”

In a series of tweets, Trump mentioned the Access Hollywood audio tape where he originally made the controversial “grab ‘em by the…” comments that nearly wrecked his presidential campaign in 2016. “Let me tell you, I heard at the rallies every day how much people loved that tape, and hearing people just be honest. They said ‘we love you saying that!’”.

“I’m just saying that I think with YouTube and the hit Dexter on HBO or Showtime, all the violent stuff on the internet, I think people would really be interested in seeing that video, if they really even have anything, I mean the serious part of it, you know. That’d go viral, video of that kind of thing, if it were real. But since we haven’t seen it for ourselves, I doubt if that video even exists. Turks, if you’re listening, and you really have this, it’s ratings gold.”

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Trump Blames Kathy Griffin for Saudi Murder

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WASHINGTON – Oct.17, 2018, 7:43am, EST       In a wide-ranging tweet-storm early Wednesday morning, President Trump attacked Stormy Daniels as a “horseface” and accused comedienne Kathy Griffin of murdering and dismembering a Saudi-born American-based journalist inside the Saudi consulate in Turkey.

Trump tweeted, “I’m just saying, that if you’re talking about cutting people up, nobody knows how to do that better than that loser Kathy Griffin. She did it to me, and I’ve got the photo to prove it. There’s proof of this one.”, referring to the controversial photo of Griffin holding a fake severed head that resembled Trump. The photo outraged Republicans and led to the firing of Griffin by CNN as host of CNN’s annual New Year’s Eve coverage.

Responding to shouted questions by reporters following a morning rose garden reception for OPEC, Trump said, “You’re saying it’s not real… about Griffin, but I don’t know. That head looks a lot like me, except the hair. My hair is much better than that. But you don’t know. I don’t know if it’s real. Looks real. So could be real.”

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the controversial photo of Griffin that enraged Republicans and got her fired from CNN

The president got a laugh from the press pool in an exchange broadcast live on MSNBC, when an AP reporter pointed out that he had clearly not been decapitated by Griffin because he was standing there in front of them, and he replied “How do you know?” After the group of reporters burst into spontaneous laughter, Trump smiled and turned to the FOX camera saying, “Oh look, they’re laughing with me, not at me. Just like the UN. With me.”

When asked if he believed the Saudi Crown Prince in his denial of any involvement, even while men from his personal security detail have been identified among the alleged killers in the consulate, Trump said, “He’s denied it. Strongly. And Griffin has not, and you have to ask yourself why not, if she didn’t do it? Why would she keep quiet if she’s innocent. If she has no blood on her hands? She could be like a real life Dexter. I don’t know. Does she have a basement? Has anybody checked Kathy Griffin’s basement, because I would not be surprised to find the real chop shop down there. Why are we not checking her basement? Maybe your Washington Post journalist is down there in her basement, or whatever’s left of him, after she got her hands on him. CNN was right to fire her.”

FCC Orders Bert & Ernie Into Controversial Conversion Therapy

Bert Ernie rainbow

There’s chaos on Sesame Street! After a former Sesame Street writer this week out’ed Bert and Ernie, confirming that they are indeed gay and in a long term, committed relationship. No marriage records could be found in New York State or Connecticut, where the Children’s Television Workshop is located. “Technically, I’m not sure how they could have ever been married in our state because they don’t have last names.”, said Vero Phy, of the Connecticut Secretary of State’s office. Bert and Ernie did not return our requests for interviews and reportedly did not show up for work on the set Wednesday.

In Washington, Vice president Mike Pence on Wednesday ordered the FCC to take action against PBS for allowing Bert and Ernie to “encourage homosexuality” to the children of America. “We need to Make America Straight Again.”, Pence said to a crowd of cheering evangelicals at a White House prayer breakfast Wednesday. “This is about protecting our children.”

FCC president Rich Whiteman sent a letter Wednesday to the CEO of PBS ordering Ernie and Bert to undergo immediate conversion therapy or risk their FCC Broadcasting license. PBS refused comment about the FCC’s order to send both performers to conversion therapy. Conversion therapy is extremely controversial and has been outlawed in some areas. The method of convincing homosexuals to become straight has been blamed for suicides and is not endorsed by most mainstream health care organizations as a valid form of medical or psychological treatment.

Rumors have been swirling about the sexuality of Ernie and Bert since Miss Piggie insinuated their love affair last year on The View. “Well the biggest clue,” said Miss Piggy, “is that neither of them have ever shown the slightest bit of interest in pretty ole moi. Let’s just say, that straight men can’t look away from these loins.”

Oscar the Grouch scolded reporters, “Hey, I’m the one that’s supposed to be talking trash, not the media. Leave ‘em the heck alone. They ain’t bothering anybody.” But Sesame Street’s resident vampire, Count von Count, agreed with conservatives saying, “We can’t have one homosexual, two homosexuals… because then we’ll have three homosexuals, then four homosexuals, then five homosexuals…”

Trump Orders Kavanaugh Accuser’s Testimony Released Early

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Tuesday, Sept 18, 2018, 10:29pm EST

WASHINGTON D.C. – In what could be a possible setback for the Supreme Court nomination of Judge Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee Monday scheduled additional testimony for next week regarding the new allegations against him. Committee Chairman Charles Grassley (R-IA) said that as of now only Kavanaugh and the Palo Alto University professor who has accused him of attempted rape while he was in high school, will be allowed to testify next week in this matter.

In what was a stunning move late today, President Trump ordered the release of Monday’s Judiciary hearing testimony in advance of the actual hearing. “Why wait until Monday to hear these allegations when we already know what they are? And they are only allegations. You must remember that he says he’s innocent. Just like Judge Roy Moore said he was innocent, this Judge, and Mark Judge, all the judges say they are innocent. We have to remember that.”, said the President from the White House Rose Garden today when asked about the transcript release.

Below is the unedited transcript of next Monday’s testimony between the Senate Judiciary Committee members and professor Christine Blasey Ford.

Senator Grassley.(R-IA) Thank you for coming today Ms. Ford. Or are you a Mrs.? Do you have a husband?

Professor Ford. I’m sorry?

Senator Grassley. Did you bring your husband here to help you answer these questions today? It’s not like those game shows where you can call a friend and have him answer your questions for you.

Senator Harris.(D-CA) I would ask the chair to be recognized. That is an outrageous thing to say… 

Senator Grassley. You shut up, girl.

Senator Harris. Wha… are you…

Senator Grassley. That’s right, I said shut up. I have the gavel and elections have consequences. (to Professor Ford) Now answer the darned question!

Professor Ford. No, my husband did not come today.

Senator Grassley. And you can’t text him neither.

Senator Durbin.(D-IL) Mr. Chairman, this witness is not trying…

Senator Grassley. You shut up too, Durbin. I’m tired of this nonsense. (To Ford) You say Kavanaugh tried to rape you, right? Well I have your yearbook picture in front of me and I rather doubt that. (Senator Cruz laughs)

Senator Hirono.(D-HA) Mr. Chairman!

Senator Grassley. I yield my time to the gentleman from Utah.

Senator Hatch.(R-UT) Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Ms. Ford…

Professor Ford. That’s Professor. Professor Ford.

Senator Hatch. Ms. Ford. What were you wearing that night, do you remember?

Senator Klobuchar.(D-MN) Mr. Chairman, that is…

Professor Ford. Jeans and a halter top.

Senator Hatch. Did you ever see The Exorcist?

Senator Harris. Mr. Chairman, that is…

Senator Hatch. We outlawed halter tops in in my homestate of Utah because they do the work of the devil. Replaced them with magic underwear and it worked out great. Mr. Chairman, I’d ask that you enter into the record this document about the magic powers of magic underwear.

Senator Grassley. Without objection.

Senator Hatch. Yield back, Mr. Chairman.

Senator Grassley. To the gentleman from Texas…

Senator Feinstein.(D-CA)   Mr. Chairman, it’s a Democrat’s

Senator Grassley. Shut up woman.

Senator Feinstein. Mr. Chairman. I am the ranking member of this committee for years and I…

Senator Grassley. Well if you were in such a dad-gummed hurry why didn’t you disclose this to the committee when this so-called professor alerted you about it a month ago?

Professor Ford. I’m a professor, sir, of clinical psychology.

Senator Grassley.  Well.  Go ahead Senator Cornyn. It’s your turn to get her.

Senator Booker.(D-NJ) Uh, Mr. Chairman, this is a witness that we all…

Senator Cornyn. I should have kicked you out of the Senate last week Booker T.

Senator Booker. Excuse me? Did you just say…

 Senator Grassley. (gaveling) Order. Order. Sit Booker. Mr. Cornyn the floor is yours.

Senator Cornyn. Did you ever have sex with Mr. Kavanaugh?

Senator Feinstein. Mr. Chairman, that is out of line!

Senator Cornyn. You should try it Ms. Feinstein. You might like it. (all the men on the committee laugh)

Senator Cruz.(R-TX) (snickering) Cubans like it. I know that!

Professor Ford. No, I never did.

Senator Cornyn. Never did what?

Professor Ford. Had sex.

Senator Cornyn. Well like Senator Feinstein, you should try it too, ma’am. You also might like it. (Republicans laugh) 

Senator Leahy.(D-VT) Mr. Chairman, that is absolutely outrageous that a member of this committee… 

Senator Grassley.  Too late, Senator Leahy. Too late, because we’re at the first recess.

 Senator Leahy. I don’t care about the…

Senator Grassley. Well you may not care, Mr. Leahy, about the traditions of this fine  institution, but some of us do still care about the important things in this body, like recess. (gaveling) This committee stands in recess for one hour! (adjourned)

Trump calls Hurricane Florence a Hoax!

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Thursday, Sept 13, 2018   6:15pm, EST

Washington, D.C. – As Florence, one of the largest hurricanes to hit the U.S. in decades, bears down on the Carolina coast, President Trump tweeted Thursday that the magnitude of the storm is being “… strongly exaggerated by the National Weather Service. It’s a hoax! They do this so they can blame me, just like they did in Puerto Rico, but it’s not gonna work because this is just rain. Just plain rain. It’s basically fake news…except for the storm.”

Byron Shelton, head of the National Weather Service assured the public in a live news conference at 1pm EST Thursday that the satellite imagery of the hurricane is indeed accurate and that the National Weather Service stands by its forecast. The National Hurricane Center also warned the public to heed their advice to evacuate coastal areas and take precautions as ordered by their local government. “This is not a hoax at all. It is a powerful storm that shouldn’t be trifled with.”, said hurricane expert Louise Thurmond of the NHC, at the same press conference.

President Trump tweeted 15 minutes later saying that, “I hate the word trifle, because it seems like truffles, which are very top notch chocolate mushrooms, but it’s not. Trifle means to mess with something. Like the fake media likes to trifle with me!”

FEMA Administrator Brock Long released a statement saying that “FEMA is doing it’s best to get positioned ahead of this storm, but because of its size, we’re having to pre-position our resources hundreds of miles inland. That’ll slow our response times. This one is gonna be a mess.”

President Trump contradicted his FEMA administrator Thursday afternoon when he called into a live FOX News show and said, “Everything is ready for this little storm. It’s just a little storm, nothing to be afraid of. We’ve got the paper towels to toss. Some said I threw them at Puerto Ricans, which is a lie. It was on the news, you can see me tossing them, not throwing, but a toss. Very respectful. And we’ve got water, in bottles, because the people like to get their bottles of water. We’re more ready than anyone has ever been.”

Puerto Rico Governor Ricardo Rosselló finally broke his silence about the Trump administration’s response to last year’s hurricane on the U.S. island and Trump’s denial this week that the death toll was in the thousands, as confirmed by George Washington University. “I’ve sat quietly beside him in the Oval Office while he gave himself an A+ for the rescue efforts in Puerto Rico.”, said the Governor. “I bit my lip when he came and threw paper towels at my people. But questioning the numbers of the thousands of Americans who died as a result of Maria and its aftermath is too just much.”

“When I visited Puerto Rico after the storm last year, there were only a handful of deaths. Now they say thousands died. The government of that country needs to get its so-called facts straight.”, said Trump Thursday afternoon. “Don’t get me wrong, it could be a beautiful country, but not if they’re all dying like that.”

Trump Bans Words, Again

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Tuesday Sept. 11, 2018, 7:31pm, EST

Washington D.C. – President Trump announced in a tweet late Tuesday that he is banning more words. He began banning specific words several months ago, although there is no indication of how those words have actually been banned since they are all still being used and since the powers of the president do not include the power to ban words. In fact, his banning of words has led to an increase of internet searches for the very words Trump has announced as “banned”, said officials at Google.

The President tweeted Tuesday evening, “Too many lies by the fake newsman Bob Woodward. Leaves me no choice but to ban the words he’s using to lie about me.” Among the words Trump is now “banning” are: Woodward, Bob, Robert, Roberto, Mueller, Post, Washington, collusion (because there IS NO collusion), corroborated, plea deal, Cohon, flip, flipper, dolphins, deposition, deposit, depose, perjury (because it’s all just a perjury trap), jury, jewelry, psycho, narcissist, moron, idiot, lodestone, resistance, New, York, Times.

“Woodward is a showboater who lies about everything.” Trump said on Tuesday morning. “I would have loved to have talked with him, I told him this, and he recorded me, and I said go right ahead cuz that’s what they do, the left, to try to catch me saying something, anything. But it’s fine because everyone knows that Bob Woodward has had a very sad career and has nothing whatsoever to show for it.” When a reporter asked if he knew about Woodward’s contribution to Watergate, he said, “It’s a very shabby building, The Watergate. There’s no water and there’s no gates. What a rip off of a building. Figures Woodward would build something like that.”