Broken Resolution

Hogan’s Heroes cast (when it was fiction)

Okay, so I had intended to stop calling Trump voters stupid in this new year. It is true that this was my only New Year’s resolution this year. And it’s also true that I have already broken my solitary resolution and it’s only January 2nd. But here’s the thing. When nearly half of our population is so blatantly stupid that they don’t even know that we’re in a serious crisis, don’t you have to keep calling it out? Isn’t it whistling past the graveyard to act like it’s fine if nearly half of your countrymen are idiots. With guns. And the right to vote. And they drive too.

If we could label them, so we’d all agree who the idiots are, that’d be better. Then we could stop calling them stupid, because we’d have a system for labeling them. We could all use those toy dart guns with the rubber suction cups on the darts, and whenever you see a car covered with those darts, you know that’s a Republican and to stay away from that car. Not that Republicans are necessarily bad drivers. They drive better than they think, which is weird because they seem to lose that ability to think when they go into a voting booth. Maybe they’re not stupid, maybe there’s some syndrome that affects nearly half of all American voters that makes them lose their brain function when they go into a voting booth. Maybe we just need new voting booths in the South and our national problem would be cured.

Those red MAGA hats and confederate flag t-shirts also help us know who the stupid people are. Have you seen any respected scholars or world leaders wearing one? No, you have not. Only morons wear those. So just know if the person in front of you at the grocery story is wearing one, just smile when they point to the National Enquirer at the check out stand and say “Now that’s REAL NEWS!”. You would have known that they’re stupid at that point anyway, but the MAGA hat somehow prepared you and inoculated you from the stupidity so that you would have found it amusing rather than disturbing. That’s why it is helpful to know who the stupid people are. Not because it changes them at all. They’re too stupid to be able to change. But it’ll help the rest of us cope with the stupid ones. If we are bemused by them, then we will not be angered by them in this new year. And that’s much better for everyone.

So exercise your 2nd amendment rights in this new year and arm yourselves with Stupid Rubber Darts. Identify the stupid ones at every turn. If we stop taking the idiots seriously, we’ll feel better. Sure our democracy will still be unraveled. But we’ll feel better about it, because at least we’re not living a lie that way. So call it like it is in 2018. Call stupid stupid. Prepare to be amused rather than abused. It’s a Hogan’s Heroes world, where the stupid ones are in charge and the smart ones are in jail. But we know that our captors are idiots. Colonel Klink may be in the White House but we have secret tunnels. Like Hogan’s Heroes, we’re laughing at the Nazi’s, even while they imprison us. Until we are liberated, it’s the only choice we have.


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