I have decided that I need a fixer. A real deal fixer. Like Michael Cohon (or Michael Cajones as he’s known around the White House). It’s true that I am not a politician. I work in a theatre. And yes it is, in fact, a children’s theatre, that is true. Now I know what you’re thinking; No man, a fixer is for a high-flying wheeler dealer. A fixer is for people who are breaking legs, not for people who are merely saying Break legs on Opening nights. Fixers are for people doing big bad things, like sleeping with porn stars. Not for people creating shows for kids.
BUT believe you me, there are plenty of children’s theatre things that really would benefit from having a fixer. For instance, a fixer would be helpful for audience members who get up to go to the bathroom during a show. Imagine if you got up to leave during a performance, and the man beside you also stood up and whispered to you, “that’s a really cute kid sitting beside you there. It’d be a shame if she had to grow up without a mother. This is the climax of the story. How badly do you really need to pee right now?”
Or what about a parent with a chattering toddler who doesn’t understand that the child is disrupting the performance for the rest of the audience? If a fixer in a nicely tailored suit stood up and screamed even louder than the toddler, “If you don’t get that noisy kid outta here in the next 5 seconds so the rest of us can enjoy this world class, yes, I said world class cuz it is world class art, I am going to ruin your life. Do you understand me?!!”
I need a fixer for those people who judge me when I tell them I do theatre for young audiences. For those actors who get that look on their face like “Oh he does kiddie theatre. I’m union, no way I’m auditioning for kiddie theatre.” My fixer would grab those actors by the collar and kindly explain through clinched teeth that “CHILDREN’S THEATRE IN 2018 IS VERY SOPHISTICATED. At least at THIS PARTICULAR THEATRE! And it might behoove you and your flailing career not to be so judgmental!”
And for the media, who won’t come review my show or who refuse that feature article because they covered our last show, my fixer would literally jump out of my press release with ALL CAPS IN HUGE BLOCK FONT and inform them that what he is gonna do to them “is gonna be disgusting” if they don’t find some column inches for us, “and yes online is fine, cuz we’re agreeable people afterall.”
And for those people who would rather stay home and watch Netflix than go to the live theatre? My fixer would knock on their door posing as the GrubHub food delivery guy, cuz he’s smart enough to know that they’re not binge-watching The Handmaid’s Tale without ordering their favorite meal from their favorite restaurant. And when they come to the door in their pajamas, he’d “very strongly encourage them to think about whether even a great show on TV can compare with the excitement and intimacy of a LIVE performance.”
Theatre definitely needs a fixer! If you would like to apply for this position, and would like to be part of a creative and energetic artistic team in a very positive and egalitarian non-profit theatrical environment with low pay and long hours, but where everyone’s voice is valued equally, please send a cover letter explaining why you’re the fixer we’re looking for. Besides being responsible for all threats and audience development, our fixer is also in charge of fundraising, board development, strategic planning, marketing, and facility management.