Marrying a Prince wasn’t enough. Californian Meghan Markle still has to take a formal test before she can become a British citizen, even though she’s already a Royal. And it’s a serious test too, with questions about art and culture, about history, about agriculture. She’s having to study. Indeed. To be English, it seems, is to be well-rounded and knowledgeable about a great many things in life. You’re not really a Brit until you can distinguish between classical music composers.
The questions on a country’s citizenship test reveals a lot about the values and priorities of that country. The U.S.’s citizenship test asks the names of the 3 branches of government, which is something we all should know, but as Jay Leno’s Jay Walking segments taught us, very few natural born citizens know anything whatsoever about how our system works. Contrary to conventional wisdom, immigrants are often more knowledgeable about America than Americans. They have taken the test.
Since American values have changed so much in the Trump era, our citizenship test questions need to be updated to reflect the philosophy of our new government. The first question should be the one that has been asked by gangsters for decades now;
- Where you from?
The correct answer is that anyone from anywhere but here, gets an F. You don’t get into the U.S., unless you’re from here. That’s who we are! Hah! But we’d keep the question;
- Name the 3 branches of government
But today that’d be a trick question because there’s now only ONE branch of government; FOX.
Unlike our “friends” across the pond, before we get to frilly things like culture and gardening, we Americans want to make sure these are the best people coming into our great country. And that we’ll be safe with them living next door. So we’d get to the point;
- Are you a rapist?
- Have you ever raped anybody any women? Are you gay?
- Are you currently raping anyone?
- What is your net worth?
- How many kids do you have back home?
- Do you have insurance?
- Do you have a bank account in Switzerland or the in the U.S. Virgin Islands?
- Are you a lawyer or doctor?
- Are you Asian with a degree in computer technology? Would you be willing to live in Palo Alto?
- Are you an athelete?
- What race are you?
- Are you Muslim? Does your wife wear a turbin or burka?
- How can you possibly tell who’s who if all of the women are wearing those head to toe burkas?
- Are you famous in your country?
- Are you beautiful or handsome? (by American standards, not British standards)
- Have you ever stayed at a Trump Property? (If yes, please rate your experience using Yelp’s 5 star scale)
- Did you notice how attractive the maids housekeeping workers were at Trump properties and resorts? Didn’t you notice that they were so much hotter prettier than you would ever find at a Courtyard Inn?
- Who would you rather have in your sheets? A Trump maid or one from Courtyard, or any Mariott Hotel for that matter?
- Rate the uniforms of Trump hotel housekeeping staff? Did they look “appropriate” and feel satisfying?
- Why is abortion technically murder? Have you ever had an abortion? (for minorities please tell how many)
- In the eyes of God, is abortion a medical procedure or a religious procedure?
Geo-political knowledge is vital for an informed citizenry.
- Is Russia much better than some people say it is?
- Does Putin work out or is he just naturally buff like that?
- Who is more attractive, French President Macron or Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau? Have you ever seen photos of either of them shirtless on a horse?
- Who touched President Trump more times and in more places, Macron or Trudeau?
- Why doesn’t Benjamin Netanyahu have any accent whatsoever?
- Did Benjamin Netanyahu invent Yahoo?
- Are the Saudi’s good guys, even though the men wear those dresses and turbins?
- Why don’t the Phillipines have any drug addicts? Why is that country named after Prince Phillip?
- Why are the Palestinians always so unreasonable? Couldn’t we disarm the Palestinians if we just picked up all the rocks on their side of the border?
- Why do we need a wall on our Southern border, to keep all of those Mexicans out of our beautiful U.S. cities? Should Mexico pay for that wall?
- Is North Korea smarter than the U.S.? (please explain why it isn’t)
- Who has more interesting hair for a man of his age, the leader of North Korea or the leader of The United States of America?
- Why is Assad still running bankrupt Syria, when he could be making so much more money as an eye doctor at LensCrafters at the Mall of America?
For the agricultural questions we’d ask;
- Have you ever seen a marijuana plant? If yes, explain, where and when? (please list specific names and addresses)
- Which chemical weed killer works best to eradicate marijuana plants from the face of the earth?
- In what red states do they use the term “weed eat” as a verb?
- What breed of tree is a Christmas tree?
Like the Brits, it’s important for we Americans that we screen for cultural intelligence.
- Why are Hip Hop singers usually criminals?
- What is the difference between RAP and Hip Hop? Who told you that?
- Why is the cast of Hamilton so unpatriotic?
- Why would liberals pay hundreds of dollars to see a bunch of minorities in tights when they could watch football for free?
- Who is the best judge on Dancing with the Stars season 2?
We need some 2nd amendment questions too because it’s important to us that nobody touches our guns.
- Why do liberals hate freedom?
- Name the great leader of the NRA and explain why Wayne LaPierre has been so unfairly treated by the mainstream liberal media?
- What famous actor, who also starred in The 10 Commandments, huge star, coined the beautiful phrase “From my cold dead hands”?
- Explain why guns don’t kill people because people so clearly are the ones who kill people?
And finally, we really need to ask tough questions about the first amendment.
- Why is Hillary such a terrible criminal?
- Why are Mexican news anchors always blonde?
- Which cable news network is the best? (sounds like pox)
- Why do they try to make Don Lemon look like he’s 30 when he’s like 60 in real life?
- Name the many, many awards that Sean Hannity has won during his huge carreer as the number one newsman in the entire world?
- Name the number one newsman in the entire world?
- Why is Sean Hannity the most trusted name in news? (it’s not CNN as they claim!)
- Why is most news FAKE?
- Why are NBC and MSNBC the leaders in Fake News?
- Should Sean Hannity run for elected office?
- Wouldn’t Sean Hannity look great in a black Supreme Court robe? (but not like Rehnquist’s which he ridiculously turned into a musical theater costume)
- Explain why FOX is really fair and balanced.