Retired EPA chief Scott Pruitt has announced that he and his wife will become the proud owners/CEO’s/night managers of Chick-fil-A #420, in Oklahoma City, as of July 15th, 2018. “Democrats have been complaining for the last year that at the EPA I was the fox guarding the hen house. Well then, I might as well go on in and cook ’em up all up.”, Pruitt said. “I am proud to be a free-range Republican.”
Mr. Pruitt said that his restaurant will benefit from the same level of urgency he used as the head of America’s Environmental Protection Agency. He has pledged to overturn two health department rules for every new one he makes up. Employees will no longer be forced to wash their hands after using the bathroom if it interferes with their religious liberties. Health inspectors will not be allowed into #420, according to Pruitt. “We know the government is corrupt, and I will not have them poking around in my kitchen.”, Pruitt said. Hairnets for cooks will be replaced with Make America Great Again hats. Any customers wearing I’m With Her shirts or any other un-American slogans will be refused service. Flag shirts are acceptable if the customers are standing while wearing them.
When told that the number 420 represents the secret code for marijuana, Pruitt said unequivocally, “Don’t be fooled by our franchise number. We are a wholesome God-fearing family restaurant and we won’t tolerate that. We will do drug testing for all employees.” Pruitt said that Oklahoma’s Governor will definitely overturn Oklahoma’s new voter-approved medical marijuana law. “The Governor heard the voters,” he said, “and will respond accordingly, by overturning it. Plain and simple.”
In keeping with the Chick-fil-A founder’s religious beliefs, Pruitt says he will refuse to serve gay people, or anybody that he or his employees think might have homosexual tendencies. “Effeminate men or butch-looking women will simply be asked to leave and come back when they’ve found Jesus and can be more normal.”, Pruitt said. In accordance with the new Supreme Court ruling, Pruitt will go one step further in denying gays wedding cakes. When told that Chick-fil-A doesn’t make wedding cakes, a defiant Pruitt said “You got that right, Mister! Not anymore we don’t!”
Pruitt will not follow the lead of Starbucks in allowing everyone to use their restrooms. “Unlike Starbucks, our restrooms are private”, he said. When asked what he meant by “private”, Pruitt replied, “They have doors. And they are for families only.” When asked if African American families will be permitted to use his restrooms, Pruitt said that he has “… no issue whatsoever with the blacks using my restrooms… if they buy a chicken sandwich first, and if they clean up after themselves.”
Mr. Pruitt’s will be the only Chick-fil-A store in the nation with a sound-proof phone booth installed in the back office for top secret to-go orders. Security will be tight and on guard against any protestors. Mr. Pruitt is currently accepting applications from local armed militia groups who will volunteer to serve as security guards at #420. His will be the only Chick-fil-A with a heliport, so that in the event of protests from animal rights activists or vegetarians, Pruitt can be airlifted to safety.
Pruitt’s restaurant will be the only one in the Untied States with a direct line to the White House so that he can talk about chicken needs with the President at any time. Pruitt said that Trump administration officials will be especially welcome to dine here without fear of being heckled by liberals. “Sarah Huckabee Sanders deserves her chicken just like working folks do.”, said Pruitt. “In fact, I’m countin’ on Sarah to help me make a profit.”, he joked. “Nobody can put chicken away like Sarah.”