Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

picket-fence

There is a simple solution to this ridiculous government shutdown. It will save us tons of money and best of all, it will please everybody; conservatives and liberals alike. Even Mexico will love this solution. Okay, here ‘tis. Instead of a wall along the southern border, let’s build… wait for it… a picket fence. That’s right. A 2000-mile white picket fence. With flowers. Everyone will love it.

Republicans will love it because to them, nothing says “white people live here” like a white picket fence. Lee Greenwood will come to the fence every 4th of July and sing to them they will chant “Lock It Up!” and republicans will ceremoniously place an oversized lock on the gate just for the cameras. It’ll become an annual thing, like the guys in top hats on groundhog day. The Trump wingnuts will be okay with it as long as we tell them we’re only building gates into the fence at a few armed checkpoints. Although Republicans will argue for it to be taller than 3 feet, they will prefer it to a huge concrete or steel wall when we explain to them that the pointed pickets will act like barbed wire. Once they get that image in their heads of Central American children impaled on the picket fence, they’ll love it more than talk radio. And by keeping it at 3 feet, we’ll explain to them, we’ll save billions of dollars, which they can then give to their billionaire friends in their next immoral tax-cut. And now when Republicans dump out the water jugs left by non-profits to save the lives of desperate immigrants in the desert, they won’t just be killing innocents, they’ll be watering our flowers at the same time. Sweet.

The liberals will love it because nothing says “bienvenidos” to our friends across the border like a white picket fence. It’s friendly and classy, yet casual and not stuffy. Liberals want everyone to feel welcome. In fact, once liberals get behind this concept, they will insist on a white picket fence not only on the Southern border but along the entire Northern border too, before the Canadians think of it. Yes, even Canadians will like a nice little picket fence along the pristine Northern border because they too adore quaint. And these days, our friends to the North mostly want a fence to keep Americans out.

Millennials and progressives will hate it at first, because they will see a picket fence as a symbol of the billionaire 1%. Because of their student loans, they know they will never be able to own a house with a picket fence, which is totally fine because they prefer urban loft living anyway, near a metro line and trendy restaurants with no signs and those modern light bulbs that look old fashioned. BUT still, secretly they will love this picket fence idea because knowing that they can’t have it, means they’re missing out and FOMA (fear of missing out) is a real thing for millennials and it’ll drive them crazy. That fear of missing out will make them want picket fences even more than skinny jeans.

The LGBTQ community, which hates the wall idea because they are all about inclusivity, will embrace the picket fence as long as we plant lush flowers around it. Everyone knows that if you’re gay, you have to love flowers. And Judy Garland. And cakes. Gay people buy a lot of wedding cakes, it seems. The LGBTQ community is educated and thus, they fully understand that neither a fence nor a wall will keep people from coming to America. So given the choice between two bad decisions, they’ll choose the most stylish one because nobody has a better design eye than the Queer Eye.

Corporate America will also love a picket fence. Anyone who has ever had a picket fence knows that even a single-family-home-sized picket fence takes as much touch-up paint annually as would an aircraft carrier. That’s good for paint sales. And nails, and spools of weed whacker line. With a 2000-mile picket fence, even Apple and Google will consider getting into the weed whacker business as that’s where the real money will be.

Mexico will love it mainly because a picket fence is just so neighborly. It’ll make them want to come over to borrow a cup of azúcar. Everyone knows that if you have a storybook picket fence, you also have a gardener who trims around it. And in America, that means hiring a Mexican gardener. Imagine how many Mexican gardeners we would need to employ to trim the weeds around a 2000-mile long picket fence. Thousands of Mexican jobs.

So let’s scratch this awful wall idea and start talking real. A dainty little picket fence will make all of our immigration problems go away. It’s that simple.

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