presidential alert

The following is a list of six key things to do NOW THAT THE UNITED STATES IS OFFICIALLY IN A NATIONAL EMERGENCY!!!!!

  1. Stay calm. That’s important. We can’t think our way out of this if we’re all running about in a panic. Traffic’s bad enough already. Although… REALLY WE OUGHT TO BE PANICKED because that’s what A DECLARATION OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY is for! To panic everyone! That’s the point. So, resist. Stay calm!!!!!
  2. Unplug. The only way anyone will SURVIVE THIS NATIONAL EMERGENCY is to be offline. Completely. We’re all going to have to unplug for a few days. Even from Facebook®. And Instagram®. Even millennials®. Unplug your router and cable box or Direct TV®. Remember that Visqueen® plastic sheeting and duct tape the government told us to get many years ago, to tape up our doors and windows in the event of a chemical or nuclear attack? Well, we’re going to put that Visqueen® to use finally. Seal up your windows with the plastic sheeting. As many layers of sheeting as possible. And tape it tightly. It’s not for chemical weapon protection, because frankly that is just stupid to think a drop cloth from Home Depot® is going to keep you safe from Sarin® gas. But what it will keep out are the Wi-Fi signals from your neighbor’s house. Once your windows are covered, you won’t be able to tap into SUPERMARIO’s signal next door or CATHOUSE from across the street. Next, find the breaker box and cut all electrical power so as to protect you from FOX News®. Next, take out your iphone® and delete your Twitter® app. Once your cell phone battery runs out, you’ll be without charging power and will be safe from all online propaganda. Now read a book.
  3. RUN ON THE BANK! There are always runs on the bank in NATIONAL EMERGENCIES. Go straight to the nearest bank RIGHT NOW and withdraw all of your money. Today! The banks will surely collapse soon, especially Bank of America® now that AMERICA IS IN A NATIONAL EMERGENCY. So get your money before they run out, and put it under your mattress (unless you have one of those Sleep Number® beds that use air bladders instead of mattresses. For Sleep Number® customers, put your money in a coffee can and bury it in your yard. If you don’t have a coffee can because you have been buying your coffee in a bag for the past two decades since you realized that Folgers® doesn’t even taste like coffee, OR if you don’t have a yard because you live in a city where you’d have to be a millionaire to buy a house with a yard, then stuff your money under the sofa cushions. If you don’t have a sofa, use your futon cushion.)
  4. Arm yourself. This is the time to cleave unto the 2nd Amendment. This is what it was amended for. A NATIONAL EMERGENCY. This is a Blade Runner® scenario. And because you’ll be without media, you’ll be paranoid. Hallucinations are quite likely. So be ready to shoot anyone who knocks on your door. If you don’t have a door, at least get a gun. Just when we need no background checks, they finally decide to pass background checks. Oy,
  5. STOCKPILE FOOD. There’s no reason for anyone to starve to death during this NATIONAL EMERGENCY. If you need food, just go to your your local grocer (to find your local grocer use the YELP® app) and tell him the president said that he is supposed to give you free groceries. He said it on TV during the shutdown, back in the good old days, when you had electricity. If that doesn’t work, go home and before your cell phone battery dies, order a bunch of food on delivery apps like Door Dash® or Uber Eats® or EAT 24® or EATME® .
  6. Gather the following supplies; a mirror, flashlight, teddy bear, bottled water (2 gallons per person per day), any kind of helmet, and khaki cargo pants. The mirror will help curb your selfie cravings since your iphone® will be uncharged. And you’ll need the flashlight to see yourself in the mirror. The teddy bear is just because the Red Cross® always give teddy bears in emergencies, so it’s relief industry best practices. A helmet and cargo pants are just the standard costume for any NATIONAL EMERGENCY. The cargo pants have many useful pockets where you can keep candy in case you run into any local children during the EMERGENCY. It’s what our military does. They carry gum for the local kids. It’s good PR. Afghan kids go crazy for Juicy Fruit®. So if you see our military patrolling your street, don’t be scared. They have gum.



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