DHS Secretary Nielsen Quits to Become CEO of Los Cojones!™

WASHINGTON DC – Mon April 8, 2019        Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, abruptly resigned on Sunday, after months under fire from democrats and even President Trump, who appointed her. Liberals had been battling Nielsen over her many controversial policies, including the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents as they attempted to apply for asylum at the US/Mexican border.

Last week President Trump increased his attacks on Nielsen, saying “She lost her nerve but she needs to find it again and refill those cages.” Trump was referring to the fenced holding cells that have been used to incarcerate the Central American refugee children apprehended at the border.  The tactic of taking the children away from their parents at the border was an effort of the Trump administration to intimidate immigrants, which backfired when public rage about locking up children in fenced cages swelled and DHS reversed the policy. DHS has been unable to reunite thousands of children, according to DHS statistics as recently as last week.

Nielsen announced Sunday that she is resigning from government to accept the position of CEO of the beleaguered Mexican restaurant chain, Los Cojones!™  “It’s no secret that I love Mexican food, and have really missed it.”, said Nielsen, referring to the public shouting down she received in a Mexican restaurant after the child separation began in June of 2018. Video of protestors shouting SHAME while Nielsen dined in a DC-area Mexican restaurant went viral and forced Nielsen to leave the restaurant giving up her favorite three-cheese enchiladas in tomatillo sauce.

“I’ve had to do without chimichangas for too long now.” Nielsen said Sunday.  “I’ve always loved Los Cojones!™” Nielsen acknowledged on Sunday, so I’m very excited about making many positive changes as I did in my tenure at DHS.”

The bankrupt national Mexican restaurant chain is in 22 red states and California. “The famous Los Cojones!™ Wet Bars, for instance, will soon be called Los Cojones!™ Wet Backs!”, Nielsen said.  “We’ve got to have a sense of humor about these things.” 

Nielsen is also planning to add new menu items including the Trump Tostada, a tostada shell full of nothing but red meat, except in the California stores where Nielsen admitted, ” we’ll have to throw in some salad.” 

Nielsen also plans to add children’s sections in all Los Cojones!™ restaurants. “No parents will be allowed in those sections so that they can enjoy a nice quiet dinner with a Margarita while their children will be treated to free kid’s meals and crayons. But don’t worry.” Nielsen added. “All of those children will be reunited with their parents… after they pay, and even given free Los Cojones!™ Pralines™.”

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