Stephen Miller Prepares to Close the Border

After a week of threatening to close the U.S./Mexican border, President Trump’s immigration advisor Stephen Miller ordered Sorry, We’re Closed signs for all official border crossings between the U.S. and Mexico on Sunday.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed early Wednesday that Miller ordered the signs from Vistaprint® over the weekend after watching Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke stand on the Meet the Press desk during his interview with Chuck Todd. Sunday afternoon Miller ordered more plastic signs in Spanish, which read Lo Sentimos, Está Cerrado. Vistaprint® confirmed that they honored their 50 Signs for 50 Bucks deal on the second order, at Miller’s insistence, even though technically the fine print of the deal reads Only one special order per customer.

Vistaprint® also confirmed that Miller on Monday called to make a phone order for 50 4x8ft banners that read Management Reserves the Right to Refuse Service and another 50 banners in Spanish, La Gerencia se Reserva el Derecho de Rechazar el Servicio. But those banners were never printed, according to Vistaprint® sales manager Olivia Gonzalez. “Mr. Miller got pretty upset and yelled at me when I told him that the 50 for $50 deal only applied to signs, and not banners.” said Gonzalez. “He said it was false advertising and that he could get them printed for cheaper in Mexico. He said he was going to give us a 1-Star Yelp review and then he hung up.”

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Space Force to Build Space Fence During National Emergency

Breaking News graphic

 

Bedminster, New Jersey February 18, 2019 11:15am EST    President Trump said on the fourth day of his National Emergency from his New Jersey golf course that our new Space Force will be in charge of building a space fence to protect America from illegal aliens. Mr. Trump said during a President’s Day golf banquet that his National Emergency applies not only to our Southern border, but also to our space borders. “It’s not just Mexico we have to worry about. You might have heard that we lost our very nice Mars Rover recently after many years… of roving…on Mars. Very sad. So now NASA is without eyes and ears in space and if you think we just need a fence on the Southern border, just think of the fence we need all around the earth.”

When asked by reporters on the 18th hole how a fence could even be built in outer space, an annoyed Trump responded, “Look, these things can be done. Just like they built the international space station in space. It’s a station, but it floats…in space. And the Russians use it, even though they are not our friends on earth, but we let them use it, because we’re all friends in space; Russia, China, and all the astronauts… from everywhere.”

White House advisor Stephen Miller defended the new strategy saying, “If we really want to keep our base safe, our voters safe, we have to keep illegal aliens out, period!” The president added, “Space aliens are mostly bad, but we don’t know who they are. A few of them, I suppose, are good space people, but mostly they’re rapists and killers. They say ‘we come in peace’, or is that the Indians who say that? Well they don’t come in peace. They have those almond eyes and there are many cases, that we know about, many many people who have been abducted by these aliens over the years. This has been going on in all the previous administrations, and they take people and put them on their ships, their spaceships, and conduct experiments. I know you love this, but it’s true, they put duct tape over the peoples’ mouths and they do their experiments. They do not come in peace. If you know science fiction, you know all about illegal aliens.”, Trump said.

NASA has been facing budget cuts over the last two years, but Trump assured the press when asked about the cost of building a space wall, “We are going to build a space wall and Gene Roddenberry is going to pay for it.” When told by Sarah Huckabee Sanders that science fiction creator Gene Roddenberry passed away many years ago, Trump added, “A star like Gene Roddenberry, who showed us how to really fight Star Wars, in case you didn’t know, lives on even as its light travels through space. Many people don’t know that. Light years they call it. Like Dog years, but many more years, because light takes longer than a dog to get here through space. The Russians put a dog in space and it took many light years to get that little dog back. But he did come home because when we focus on space, nothing can stop us.”

 

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

picket-fence

There is a simple solution to this ridiculous government shutdown. It will save us tons of money and best of all, it will please everybody; conservatives and liberals alike. Even Mexico will love this solution. Okay, here ‘tis. Instead of a wall along the southern border, let’s build… wait for it… a picket fence. That’s right. A 2000-mile white picket fence. With flowers. Everyone will love it.

Republicans will love it because to them, nothing says “white people live here” like a white picket fence. Lee Greenwood will come to the fence every 4th of July and sing to them they will chant “Lock It Up!” and republicans will ceremoniously place an oversized lock on the gate just for the cameras. It’ll become an annual thing, like the guys in top hats on groundhog day. The Trump wingnuts will be okay with it as long as we tell them we’re only building gates into the fence at a few armed checkpoints. Although Republicans will argue for it to be taller than 3 feet, they will prefer it to a huge concrete or steel wall when we explain to them that the pointed pickets will act like barbed wire. Once they get that image in their heads of Central American children impaled on the picket fence, they’ll love it more than talk radio. And by keeping it at 3 feet, we’ll explain to them, we’ll save billions of dollars, which they can then give to their billionaire friends in their next immoral tax-cut. And now when Republicans dump out the water jugs left by non-profits to save the lives of desperate immigrants in the desert, they won’t just be killing innocents, they’ll be watering our flowers at the same time. Sweet.

The liberals will love it because nothing says “bienvenidos” to our friends across the border like a white picket fence. It’s friendly and classy, yet casual and not stuffy. Liberals want everyone to feel welcome. In fact, once liberals get behind this concept, they will insist on a white picket fence not only on the Southern border but along the entire Northern border too, before the Canadians think of it. Yes, even Canadians will like a nice little picket fence along the pristine Northern border because they too adore quaint. And these days, our friends to the North mostly want a fence to keep Americans out.

Millennials and progressives will hate it at first, because they will see a picket fence as a symbol of the billionaire 1%. Because of their student loans, they know they will never be able to own a house with a picket fence, which is totally fine because they prefer urban loft living anyway, near a metro line and trendy restaurants with no signs and those modern light bulbs that look old fashioned. BUT still, secretly they will love this picket fence idea because knowing that they can’t have it, means they’re missing out and FOMA (fear of missing out) is a real thing for millennials and it’ll drive them crazy. That fear of missing out will make them want picket fences even more than skinny jeans.

The LGBTQ community, which hates the wall idea because they are all about inclusivity, will embrace the picket fence as long as we plant lush flowers around it. Everyone knows that if you’re gay, you have to love flowers. And Judy Garland. And cakes. Gay people buy a lot of wedding cakes, it seems. The LGBTQ community is educated and thus, they fully understand that neither a fence nor a wall will keep people from coming to America. So given the choice between two bad decisions, they’ll choose the most stylish one because nobody has a better design eye than the Queer Eye.

Corporate America will also love a picket fence. Anyone who has ever had a picket fence knows that even a single-family-home-sized picket fence takes as much touch-up paint annually as would an aircraft carrier. That’s good for paint sales. And nails, and spools of weed whacker line. With a 2000-mile picket fence, even Apple and Google will consider getting into the weed whacker business as that’s where the real money will be.

Mexico will love it mainly because a picket fence is just so neighborly. It’ll make them want to come over to borrow a cup of azúcar. Everyone knows that if you have a storybook picket fence, you also have a gardener who trims around it. And in America, that means hiring a Mexican gardener. Imagine how many Mexican gardeners we would need to employ to trim the weeds around a 2000-mile long picket fence. Thousands of Mexican jobs.

So let’s scratch this awful wall idea and start talking real. A dainty little picket fence will make all of our immigration problems go away. It’s that simple.