Trump Pardons Stone…for Space Force?

breaking-news-graphic

WASHINGTON DC, February 20, 2020, 5:31pm EST –  Following today’s sentencing of President Trump’s self described “dirty trickster”, Roger Stone, to 3 years and 4 months in prison, Trump announced today that he was pardoning Stone. Trump has pardoned other controversial convicted criminals this week, including junk bond king Michael Milken. What is different this time is that Trump cited the reason for the Stone pardon as a “public need for leadership” in Trump’s fledgling new branch of the military, Space Force. “I’m pardoning Roger Stone,”, acknowledged the president, “and by the way I really don’t know him well at all, but I need him, we need him, to lead our new Space Force.”, said the president on The White House south lawn, although Stone has no military experience.

“He’s the real Joker, in that purple hat. Cesar Millan could never get away with that hat and you know it.”, said Trump, apparently mistakenly referring to Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan instead of Cesar Romero, who was the original Joker in the Batman television series. “And those round glasses. Nobody can get away with that except Roger, and he looks good doesn’t he? You know he looks good in that uniform. And I know it. Frankly, I can see all of them wearing that stuff. It’s like Batman. But in space.”

Trump then added that he pardoned former disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich earlier this week because of his jailhouse nickname, Chewy. “I can only imagine why they called him Chewy in prison. I can imagine that quite vividly. Jail is a tough place.”, said Trump. “And we just lost our Chewbacca, the real one. So we need Rod for that now.” When a reporter asked whether he would admit that Blagojevich was a crook, Trump replied, “I will admit… that when I saw the video of him coming out of jail with that white hair, I admit I was shocked. Looks good on Paul, actually, but not so good on Rod. But in the Chewbacca costume, it won’t show at all. So together Roger and Rod, oh I like the sound of that, don’t you? Roger and Rod. Together they’re gonna be two great leaders of Space Force.”

When asked by reporters about rumors that he’d been considering hiring unemployed prince Harry to head Space Force, Trump said “No, I decided against it. Harry would be great. He flies choppers in the military and all that. And he’s a Brit. We love our Brits. But that wife of his, what’s her name, she’s a nasty one.”

Trump has tweeted about Meghan 47 times in the last month including attacks on her mixed race parents and calling her a “Californicator”. “She’s now the only Black Canadian, other than Trudeau. Did you see those photos of him?”, added Trump. “Bad news.”

DHS Sends TSA to the Border

Why Stephen Miller Loves Blue Gloves

Washington, DC,  Friday May 17, 2019 – The Department of Homeland Security confirmed this week that they have ordered nearly two hundred TSA personnel to the southwestern border to “assist in the humanitarian and security crisis at the US/Mexican border.” DHS refused to say specifically what role TSA personnel would play at the border.

While this move surprised many, some members of the Trump administration have been expecting TSA’s role to increase at the border for nearly a month. It has been rumored for weeks that presidential advisor Stephen Miller became infatuated with a male TSA agent after being patted down before a recent flight at Reagan International airport. White House staffers say they first became aware of Miller’s crush when he showed up for work the following Monday wearing blue rubber gloves. “I first thought it was a joke, until he tried to look inside my briefcase and told me to throw away my bottled water.” said a perplexed west wing staffer on background. “And he’s been wearing them every day since.”

TSA officials at Reagan International airport confirmed that after Miller was hand-searched by an unidentified male TSA screener in early April, and that he returned to the metal detector for additional screening 7 times before his flight. “He kept requesting another search by the same male agent.” said a TSA manager, “and when nothing was found he’d smile and say, ‘Well, maybe next time.’ Then he’d walk back around and get in line again.”

DHS officials in Washington denied that the deployment of TSA personnel at the border has anything to do with Miller’s personal life. “We simply needed our best trained people at the border, and nobody is as sharp as our TSA screeners.” said Asst. DHS Secretary Ima White.  When asked about the high percentage of guns and bombs that TSA screeners have failed to detect in numerous security tests nationwide, White said, “Yes, but how many illegal bottles of Evian have been confiscated by TSA in every airport nationwide? Nobody ever gives us credit when the system works.”

Reporters shouted questions to Miller Thursday night as he left the White House, which prompted him to raise his blue-gloved hand as if to stop them. “Nobody suggested that Michael Jackson was in love with a gorgeous TSA guy when he wore a glove, did they? But why is it when a white guy wears a glove to express himself it’s suddenly suspicious?” Miller continued to deny that he is gay when asked by reporters, and accused them of being homophobic. “If you think somebody is gay just because they know a good search when they feel one, then you’re the crazy one. Then you’re a liberal!” 

Nearly an hour later Miller was reported to have been shouted out of Pepitos, a nearby D.C. Mexican restaurant, after being recognized because of his blue gloves while sipping a mango margarita in the bar.

Trump: Rename Notre Dame

Washington, D.C. Wed April 17, 2019.    Less than 48 hours after the world watched in tears as the famed Notre Dame Cathedral burned in Paris, U.S. President Donald Trump has offered to personally pay to rebuild the beloved global monument, on one condition. That is the problem, according to French Interior Minister, Christophe Cantaner. “His offer depends upon the renaming of Notre Dame. It’s conceited. It’s impossible.  It’s gauche.  It’s beyond stupid.” said Cantaner Wednesday morning when asked about the offer after touring the iconic Cathedral’s damage.

Just hours earlier Trump had told reporters at the White House… “Look, I myself will pay for the rebuilding of the Cathedral of Notre Dame, and maybe if I did that, my friend Macron, he’s little but he’s smart, so smart he married his teacher, a cougar, much older than he is. He’s my friend, admires me very much. He gives a great parade. Military parade.  Maybe if I pay to rebuild it, maybe Macron will name it after me. That’d be nice, don’t ya think?  Trump Towers Paris, because there are still several towers left.  More than one.  So it’s gotta be Towers with an S.” 

French President Emmanuel Macron smiled when asked if he was taking Trump’s offer seriously, saying “Notre Dame will be rebuilt by the French.  It belongs to France, and only we can rebuild it.” When pressed by reporters for further comment the French President replied, “There will be no renaming of Notre Dame. Not on my watch. Not ever.”

Trump said in an Oval Office press gaggle that he’d pay for the new Notre Dame walls… “if they’d make the new walls out of see-thru steel slats. We’ve already got bids on those from San Diego and I can make that happen so fast, walls even Californians would love. We need to make sure no immigrants get in there and start more fires. Here it’s the Mexicans we worry about, there it’s the Syrians and Africans. But they really should put my name on it too, if I were going to pay for it, don’t ya think?”

You Know

penciltest

 

If you don’t know what you need to know by now… then you probably haven’t been paying attention. Yes, the Moron-in-chief, the Russians, and FOX “so-called-news” have worked mightily to confuse us, and they’ve managed to do a great job with about one third or maybe even one half of us Americans. But even with all the smoke, all the lies, all the deception… we all know the truth. Even the stupid people know what they need to know at this point.

There’s a point when you have to just trust what you know. You have crammed for the test and now you’re sitting there with your number two pencil and it’s time. There’s no more studying. It’s time to trust what you know.

And even if you believe the mind-numbing nonsense on FOX, and you don’t really know for yourself if the tax cuts were good for you since you’re not a millionaire, you still know if you thought it was smart. You know what your side wants you to know. And even if you don’t fully understand it yourself, you know if you’re generally happy about tax cuts. Even the most uneducated voters in American know which side they’re on, even if they’re not totally sure what their side stands for specifically.

It’s been two years. That’s why we all know. You know enough. You know enough to know if you like this, if this is all okay with you, or not. You know if you’re generally happy with the direction of our country or if you think we’re in crisis. No matter if you’re liberal or conservative, you know by now. It really is a matter of conscience and values. This time, it’s about who we are. Plain and simple. You may not know about all of the convoluted ballot initiatives, but you know how you feel about where we are. About where America is today. About who America has become. You know. So sharpen your number two. Today is the day to declare what you know.

Trump Predicts Consulate Murder Video will be “Ratings Gold”

Breaking News graphic

WASHINGTON- Oct.18th, 2018, 7:15am, EST       President Trump tweeted early this morning that he predicts “ratings gold… high ratings if the Turks will release that video of the consulate.”, referring to video the Turkish government claims to have of the torture and murder of Saudi-born Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, which allegedly took place in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.

“If they really have this video,” the president tweeted, “as bad as it is, as grizzly as it is, I think Americans and people around the world for that matter will go crazy for it. Look at how well the slasher movies do, and those haunted houses where they jump out and grab you by the… whatever, and chase you with chainsaws. People, as odd as it seems, people really like that stuff.”

In a series of tweets, Trump mentioned the Access Hollywood audio tape where he originally made the controversial “grab ‘em by the…” comments that nearly wrecked his presidential campaign in 2016. “Let me tell you, I heard at the rallies every day how much people loved that tape, and hearing people just be honest. They said ‘we love you saying that!’”.

“I’m just saying that I think with YouTube and the hit Dexter on HBO or Showtime, all the violent stuff on the internet, I think people would really be interested in seeing that video, if they really even have anything, I mean the serious part of it, you know. That’d go viral, video of that kind of thing, if it were real. But since we haven’t seen it for ourselves, I doubt if that video even exists. Turks, if you’re listening, and you really have this, it’s ratings gold.”

Trump Blames Kathy Griffin for Saudi Murder

Breaking News graphic

WASHINGTON – Oct.17, 2018, 7:43am, EST       In a wide-ranging tweet-storm early Wednesday morning, President Trump attacked Stormy Daniels as a “horseface” and accused comedienne Kathy Griffin of murdering and dismembering a Saudi-born American-based journalist inside the Saudi consulate in Turkey.

Trump tweeted, “I’m just saying, that if you’re talking about cutting people up, nobody knows how to do that better than that loser Kathy Griffin. She did it to me, and I’ve got the photo to prove it. There’s proof of this one.”, referring to the controversial photo of Griffin holding a fake severed head that resembled Trump. The photo outraged Republicans and led to the firing of Griffin by CNN as host of CNN’s annual New Year’s Eve coverage.

Responding to shouted questions by reporters following a morning rose garden reception for OPEC, Trump said, “You’re saying it’s not real… about Griffin, but I don’t know. That head looks a lot like me, except the hair. My hair is much better than that. But you don’t know. I don’t know if it’s real. Looks real. So could be real.”

Kathy_Griffin2
the controversial photo of Griffin that enraged Republicans and got her fired from CNN

The president got a laugh from the press pool in an exchange broadcast live on MSNBC, when an AP reporter pointed out that he had clearly not been decapitated by Griffin because he was standing there in front of them, and he replied “How do you know?” After the group of reporters burst into spontaneous laughter, Trump smiled and turned to the FOX camera saying, “Oh look, they’re laughing with me, not at me. Just like the UN. With me.”

When asked if he believed the Saudi Crown Prince in his denial of any involvement, even while men from his personal security detail have been identified among the alleged killers in the consulate, Trump said, “He’s denied it. Strongly. And Griffin has not, and you have to ask yourself why not, if she didn’t do it? Why would she keep quiet if she’s innocent. If she has no blood on her hands? She could be like a real life Dexter. I don’t know. Does she have a basement? Has anybody checked Kathy Griffin’s basement, because I would not be surprised to find the real chop shop down there. Why are we not checking her basement? Maybe your Washington Post journalist is down there in her basement, or whatever’s left of him, after she got her hands on him. CNN was right to fire her.”

Trump Fires Shatner from Space Force

Capt kirk

Washington D.C. – Aug 29, 11:51pm EST  – –  President Trump tweeted Wednesday that he was firing actor William Shatner. “I’m not happy with the slow progress of Space Force. It’s been weeks since I announced it, and where is it? Where’s our Captain Kirk?”

William Shatner said he had never met Trump, and that he had no idea what he was talking about.

Trump fired back on Shatner’s Snap Chat page using the Snap Chat lion filter. “YOU’RE FIRED!”, he roared looking like a strange man-lion. “Just like they fired you from those Priceline ads. Fired from everything. Fired Shatner. Fired.”

Shatner laughed when shown the president’s posts. “The sad thing is, I would have taken the job.”, Shatner joked, “ I mean, at my age a job is a job.”

Just last week Trump fired Omarosa from the job of Communications Director of Space Force after her press blitz calling the president insane. “Wouldn’t she look perfect as the new Lt. Uhura? In that little skirt… from the 60’s? Can’t you just see that? With that thing in her ear.” Like Shatner, Omarosa had never spoken with anybody about joining anything called Space Force. But unlike Shatner who joked about wanting the job, Omarosa said she is seriously interested in the job of Communications Director for Space Force and is … “waiting by the phone.”

Kellyanne Conway claimed Space Force is up and running, “Who are you to say that there is no Space Force? How dare you?” But when pressed for details of how many service members Space Force has and where it was located Conway said, “It’s in space. That’s where it is. I’m surprised you CNN guys aren’t smarter.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders went even further than Conway saying Wednesday at the White House daily briefing, “Space Force is the best force and the biggest space force in history. Period.”

The Washington Post reported Wednesday that they had contacted every single government agency, and that nobody in any of these agencies was aware of the creation of a Space Force. When asked why Trump tweeted that he was frustrated with the progress of Space Force if it is already up and running, Sanders replied, “In the words of Kellyanne Conway, How dare you!”

Trump tweeted late Wednesday, “I’m considering giving Captain Kirk a second chance, because mostly he beat the bad guys and got the girls. I’m considering making Shatner Attorney General.”

Trump’s Hair Stylist Granted Immunity

witchiepoo
Billie Hayes as Witchiepoo, in the 1969 kid’s show HR Pufnstuf. On Friday Rudy Giuliani compared Hayes’ orange hair and white eye make-up to the president’s.

WASHINGTON DC, Aug, 24, 1:10pm EST          Robert Mueller is tightening the noose even more on Donald Trump by offering immunity to his closest confidants. Thursday he granted immunity to media magnate David Pecker, who runs the National Enquirer and oversaw the “catch and kill” of the story of one of Trump’s extramarital affairs with porn stars to keep the stories from public view and help Trump win the election.

Then Friday morning Mueller announced that he had offered immunity to Allen Weisselberg who has been the CFO for the Trump organization for decades, going all the way back to Trump’s father. Weisselberg is alleged to have arranged payments to one of the women and for reimbursements paid to Cohen. Weisselberg has extensive knowledge of the Trump organization’s expenditures, which could provide powerful criminal evidence for the Mueller investigation on many fronts.

At noon on Friday, Mueller made yet another announcement. He announced that he will also grant immunity to the president’s personal hair stylist. A source close to the investigation said, “This might be the most important person yet to receive immunity because all reports indicate that Trump is most loose-lipped in the mornings, while having his hair done and watching Fox and Friends.” Trump has even been known to call in to the controversial morning TV show while having his comb-over sculpted.

“Nobody cares what shade of orange the president’s hair dresser uses.”, said Trump’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani. “The hair dresser is not an elected official and knows nothing anyway. Look, we all know that hairdressers everywhere, I mean in every town everywhere, hairdressers know who is sleeping with who… that’s true. My hairdresser doesn’t know anything, but that’s because they only work on me for about 1 minute.”, Giuliani said joking with reporters and pointing to his own mostly bald head.

The name of the presidential hair stylist has not yet been released by Mueller, but Trump is said to have had the same hair stylist since before he went orange. An unnamed White House aide said, “He just sits there spewing about the news while he watches Fox for 2 hours every morning and while she works on the CO for the whole time hearing everything he says. The CO, is the secret service code name forwhat the staff calls his comb-over.”, the aide added. “She knows, perhaps more than anyone else on earth, what Trump is thinking.”, said the aide on condition of anonymity.

Rumors also began swirling in the West Wing Friday that Mueller is considering granting immunity to the make-up artist who is in charge of his dark base (his base make-up, not his ultra white political base) and the white around his eyes. “Bring it on.”, said Giuliani. “For those of us old enough to remember Witchiepoo from HR Pufnstuf, she had the most white around her eyes and her hair was over-the-top-orange and nobody ever said ‘Well we ought to subpoena her make-up person, or her hair dresser, for that matter’.”

Trump Revokes Judge’s security clearance after Manafort conviction!

Breaking News graphic

Washington D.C. – Tuesday, Aug 21st, 3:55pm EST     President Trump announced Tuesday, just minutes after Paul Manafort was convicted of 8 crimes that could send him to prison for life, that he was revoking the security clearances of the Judge and the even the jury in the Manafort case. When told that jurors are just citizens and they don’t even have security clearances, Trump exclaimed, “That’s what I’m trying to figure out! Why are they sending Paul to prison if the judge and the jury don’t even have security clearances? What is going on?”

“And those jurors, horrible people. Hillary supporters clearly. How they can do this, to a really really great guy, is just unbelievable. Really unbelievable.” Trump added as he boarded Marine 1 for tonight’s rally in West Virginia.

Nearly 30 minutes into his flight, President Trump tweeted “And I’m revoking the security clearance of the judge who oversaw Michael Cohen’s plea deal as well. Stupid. First of all the guy is clearly crazy. A real showboat this one. And this judge’s parents are from somewhere, I hear it’s Mexico, but maybe some other place. Who knows? But as I’ve said before, Mexicans, but also, also Americans with Mexican heritage and Mexican parents should not be judges in America. Period.”

“The president understands fully that judges don’t have the same type of security clearances as former CIA directors.”, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said when asked by reporters. “Then why is he saying it?”, asked a Washington Post reporter. “Well the president has a colorful vocabulary and …we don’t comment on his tweets.”, said Sanders.

Tuesday’s statement and tweet by the president raised new questions about last week’s White House rumors that the president had been telling White House staffers that he was considering revoking the security clearances of Judge Judy and all of the other TV judges. Some staffers thought it was only a joke, while others reportedly added Judge Judy to the “list of people to attack in the media”.

One White House staffer said on condition of anonymity, “He’s just very unhappy with a lot of the TV judges’ verdicts. Especially the one where the guy sues his former roommate, who looked just like Heather Locklear used to look, for never paying his rent. I mean never. And the judge ruled against her, who looks so much like she did on 90210. That one really pushed the president over the edge. He was a big fan of BH902.”

 

 

Trump Hires Jackie Chan as Envoy to Russia

SeagalVSJackieChan

WASHINGTON DC. –  Hours after learning on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin had appointed American action movie star Steven Seagal as an envoy to the United States, U.S. President Trump countered by appointing action movie actor Jackie Chan to serve as his U.S. special envoy to Russia.

“Everyone knows that Jackie Chan can beat up Steven Seagal.” the President said Tuesday from his resort in New Jersey.  “Seagal’s tough, I mean, he knows karate and all that, but Jackie Chan can walk on the ceiling. Have you seen this? He’s like a miracle. Like a monkey. He’s all over the place. And these Chinese guys, they know karate, plus jujitsu, plus taekwondo, they know all of that. You don’t mess with the Chinese… except with regard to trade, or course.”

When asked what experience Mr. Chan has in diplomacy or international affairs, Trump responded, “Well let me tell you, Jackie has had a lot of international affairs. The ladies really like a guy who can move like he does. I mean he’s literally walking on the ceiling, like he’s on the moon, but he’s right here on the earth. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen his movies and he does that. And the ladies really really love him for that.”

When shown video of Mr. Seagal pronouncing Vladimir Putin’s name with precise Russian pronunciation, Mr. Trump said “Well Mr. Chan’s accent is much better than Seagal’s. Because not only can Jackie say my name with a perfect Chinese accent, he can say anything with a perfect Chinese accent. Let Seagal try that!”

There are no plans for Seagal and Chan to meet officially but President Trump suggested that he would be happy to meet with Seagal anytime with no pre-conditions. When asked why Trump wouldn’t assign Chan to meet with Seagal, Trump said, “Well I would first want to try to work things out and see what happens before I’d call in the Chinese.”

Mr. Trump touted Chan’s box office success over Seagal’s. “If you look at Jackie’s movies, the box office numbers crush Seagal’s so-called movies. Chan runs circles around Seagal, who couldn’t run if he had to. Have you seen this guy since he stopped making those action movies? Sad. Probably weighs 400 lbs now. Very sad.”

The Kremlin was unavailable for comment.