FCC Orders Bert & Ernie Into Controversial Conversion Therapy

Bert Ernie rainbow

There’s chaos on Sesame Street! After a former Sesame Street writer this week out’ed Bert and Ernie, confirming that they are indeed gay and in a long term, committed relationship. No marriage records could be found in New York State or Connecticut, where the Children’s Television Workshop is located. “Technically, I’m not sure how they could have ever been married in our state because they don’t have last names.”, said Vero Phy, of the Connecticut Secretary of State’s office. Bert and Ernie did not return our requests for interviews and reportedly did not show up for work on the set Wednesday.

In Washington, Vice president Mike Pence on Wednesday ordered the FCC to take action against PBS for allowing Bert and Ernie to “encourage homosexuality” to the children of America. “We need to Make America Straight Again.”, Pence said to a crowd of cheering evangelicals at a White House prayer breakfast Wednesday. “This is about protecting our children.”

FCC president Rich Whiteman sent a letter Wednesday to the CEO of PBS ordering Ernie and Bert to undergo immediate conversion therapy or risk their FCC Broadcasting license. PBS refused comment about the FCC’s order to send both performers to conversion therapy. Conversion therapy is extremely controversial and has been outlawed in some areas. The method of convincing homosexuals to become straight has been blamed for suicides and is not endorsed by most mainstream health care organizations as a valid form of medical or psychological treatment.

Rumors have been swirling about the sexuality of Ernie and Bert since Miss Piggie insinuated their love affair last year on The View. “Well the biggest clue,” said Miss Piggy, “is that neither of them have ever shown the slightest bit of interest in pretty ole moi. Let’s just say, that straight men can’t look away from these loins.”

Oscar the Grouch scolded reporters, “Hey, I’m the one that’s supposed to be talking trash, not the media. Leave ‘em the heck alone. They ain’t bothering anybody.” But Sesame Street’s resident vampire, Count von Count, agreed with conservatives saying, “We can’t have one homosexual, two homosexuals… because then we’ll have three homosexuals, then four homosexuals, then five homosexuals…”