DHS Sends TSA to the Border

Why Stephen Miller Loves Blue Gloves

Washington, DC,  Friday May 17, 2019 – The Department of Homeland Security confirmed this week that they have ordered nearly two hundred TSA personnel to the southwestern border to “assist in the humanitarian and security crisis at the US/Mexican border.” DHS refused to say specifically what role TSA personnel would play at the border.

While this move surprised many, some members of the Trump administration have been expecting TSA’s role to increase at the border for nearly a month. It has been rumored for weeks that presidential advisor Stephen Miller became infatuated with a male TSA agent after being patted down before a recent flight at Reagan International airport. White House staffers say they first became aware of Miller’s crush when he showed up for work the following Monday wearing blue rubber gloves. “I first thought it was a joke, until he tried to look inside my briefcase and told me to throw away my bottled water.” said a perplexed west wing staffer on background. “And he’s been wearing them every day since.”

TSA officials at Reagan International airport confirmed that after Miller was hand-searched by an unidentified male TSA screener in early April, and that he returned to the metal detector for additional screening 7 times before his flight. “He kept requesting another search by the same male agent.” said a TSA manager, “and when nothing was found he’d smile and say, ‘Well, maybe next time.’ Then he’d walk back around and get in line again.”

DHS officials in Washington denied that the deployment of TSA personnel at the border has anything to do with Miller’s personal life. “We simply needed our best trained people at the border, and nobody is as sharp as our TSA screeners.” said Asst. DHS Secretary Ima White.  When asked about the high percentage of guns and bombs that TSA screeners have failed to detect in numerous security tests nationwide, White said, “Yes, but how many illegal bottles of Evian have been confiscated by TSA in every airport nationwide? Nobody ever gives us credit when the system works.”

Reporters shouted questions to Miller Thursday night as he left the White House, which prompted him to raise his blue-gloved hand as if to stop them. “Nobody suggested that Michael Jackson was in love with a gorgeous TSA guy when he wore a glove, did they? But why is it when a white guy wears a glove to express himself it’s suddenly suspicious?” Miller continued to deny that he is gay when asked by reporters, and accused them of being homophobic. “If you think somebody is gay just because they know a good search when they feel one, then you’re the crazy one. Then you’re a liberal!” 

Nearly an hour later Miller was reported to have been shouted out of Pepitos, a nearby D.C. Mexican restaurant, after being recognized because of his blue gloves while sipping a mango margarita in the bar.

Advertisements

DHS Secretary Nielsen Quits to Become CEO of Los Cojones!™

WASHINGTON DC – Mon April 8, 2019        Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, abruptly resigned on Sunday, after months under fire from democrats and even President Trump, who appointed her. Liberals had been battling Nielsen over her many controversial policies, including the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents as they attempted to apply for asylum at the US/Mexican border.

Last week President Trump increased his attacks on Nielsen, saying “She lost her nerve but she needs to find it again and refill those cages.” Trump was referring to the fenced holding cells that have been used to incarcerate the Central American refugee children apprehended at the border.  The tactic of taking the children away from their parents at the border was an effort of the Trump administration to intimidate immigrants, which backfired when public rage about locking up children in fenced cages swelled and DHS reversed the policy. DHS has been unable to reunite thousands of children, according to DHS statistics as recently as last week.

Nielsen announced Sunday that she is resigning from government to accept the position of CEO of the beleaguered Mexican restaurant chain, Los Cojones!™  “It’s no secret that I love Mexican food, and have really missed it.”, said Nielsen, referring to the public shouting down she received in a Mexican restaurant after the child separation began in June of 2018. Video of protestors shouting SHAME while Nielsen dined in a DC-area Mexican restaurant went viral and forced Nielsen to leave the restaurant giving up her favorite three-cheese enchiladas in tomatillo sauce.

“I’ve had to do without chimichangas for too long now.” Nielsen said Sunday.  “I’ve always loved Los Cojones!™” Nielsen acknowledged on Sunday, so I’m very excited about making many positive changes as I did in my tenure at DHS.”

The bankrupt national Mexican restaurant chain is in 22 red states and California. “The famous Los Cojones!™ Wet Bars, for instance, will soon be called Los Cojones!™ Wet Backs!”, Nielsen said.  “We’ve got to have a sense of humor about these things.” 

Nielsen is also planning to add new menu items including the Trump Tostada, a tostada shell full of nothing but red meat, except in the California stores where Nielsen admitted, ” we’ll have to throw in some salad.” 

Nielsen also plans to add children’s sections in all Los Cojones!™ restaurants. “No parents will be allowed in those sections so that they can enjoy a nice quiet dinner with a Margarita while their children will be treated to free kid’s meals and crayons. But don’t worry.” Nielsen added. “All of those children will be reunited with their parents… after they pay, and even given free Los Cojones!™ Pralines™.”

Stephen Miller Prepares to Close the Border

After a week of threatening to close the U.S./Mexican border, President Trump’s immigration advisor Stephen Miller ordered Sorry, We’re Closed signs for all official border crossings between the U.S. and Mexico on Sunday.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed early Wednesday that Miller ordered the signs from Vistaprint® over the weekend after watching Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke stand on the Meet the Press desk during his interview with Chuck Todd. Sunday afternoon Miller ordered more plastic signs in Spanish, which read Lo Sentimos, Está Cerrado. Vistaprint® confirmed that they honored their 50 Signs for 50 Bucks deal on the second order, at Miller’s insistence, even though technically the fine print of the deal reads Only one special order per customer.

Vistaprint® also confirmed that Miller on Monday called to make a phone order for 50 4x8ft banners that read Management Reserves the Right to Refuse Service and another 50 banners in Spanish, La Gerencia se Reserva el Derecho de Rechazar el Servicio. But those banners were never printed, according to Vistaprint® sales manager Olivia Gonzalez. “Mr. Miller got pretty upset and yelled at me when I told him that the 50 for $50 deal only applied to signs, and not banners.” said Gonzalez. “He said it was false advertising and that he could get them printed for cheaper in Mexico. He said he was going to give us a 1-Star Yelp review and then he hung up.”

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

picket-fence

There is a simple solution to this ridiculous government shutdown. It will save us tons of money and best of all, it will please everybody; conservatives and liberals alike. Even Mexico will love this solution. Okay, here ‘tis. Instead of a wall along the southern border, let’s build… wait for it… a picket fence. That’s right. A 2000-mile white picket fence. With flowers. Everyone will love it.

Republicans will love it because to them, nothing says “white people live here” like a white picket fence. Lee Greenwood will come to the fence every 4th of July and sing to them they will chant “Lock It Up!” and republicans will ceremoniously place an oversized lock on the gate just for the cameras. It’ll become an annual thing, like the guys in top hats on groundhog day. The Trump wingnuts will be okay with it as long as we tell them we’re only building gates into the fence at a few armed checkpoints. Although Republicans will argue for it to be taller than 3 feet, they will prefer it to a huge concrete or steel wall when we explain to them that the pointed pickets will act like barbed wire. Once they get that image in their heads of Central American children impaled on the picket fence, they’ll love it more than talk radio. And by keeping it at 3 feet, we’ll explain to them, we’ll save billions of dollars, which they can then give to their billionaire friends in their next immoral tax-cut. And now when Republicans dump out the water jugs left by non-profits to save the lives of desperate immigrants in the desert, they won’t just be killing innocents, they’ll be watering our flowers at the same time. Sweet.

The liberals will love it because nothing says “bienvenidos” to our friends across the border like a white picket fence. It’s friendly and classy, yet casual and not stuffy. Liberals want everyone to feel welcome. In fact, once liberals get behind this concept, they will insist on a white picket fence not only on the Southern border but along the entire Northern border too, before the Canadians think of it. Yes, even Canadians will like a nice little picket fence along the pristine Northern border because they too adore quaint. And these days, our friends to the North mostly want a fence to keep Americans out.

Millennials and progressives will hate it at first, because they will see a picket fence as a symbol of the billionaire 1%. Because of their student loans, they know they will never be able to own a house with a picket fence, which is totally fine because they prefer urban loft living anyway, near a metro line and trendy restaurants with no signs and those modern light bulbs that look old fashioned. BUT still, secretly they will love this picket fence idea because knowing that they can’t have it, means they’re missing out and FOMA (fear of missing out) is a real thing for millennials and it’ll drive them crazy. That fear of missing out will make them want picket fences even more than skinny jeans.

The LGBTQ community, which hates the wall idea because they are all about inclusivity, will embrace the picket fence as long as we plant lush flowers around it. Everyone knows that if you’re gay, you have to love flowers. And Judy Garland. And cakes. Gay people buy a lot of wedding cakes, it seems. The LGBTQ community is educated and thus, they fully understand that neither a fence nor a wall will keep people from coming to America. So given the choice between two bad decisions, they’ll choose the most stylish one because nobody has a better design eye than the Queer Eye.

Corporate America will also love a picket fence. Anyone who has ever had a picket fence knows that even a single-family-home-sized picket fence takes as much touch-up paint annually as would an aircraft carrier. That’s good for paint sales. And nails, and spools of weed whacker line. With a 2000-mile picket fence, even Apple and Google will consider getting into the weed whacker business as that’s where the real money will be.

Mexico will love it mainly because a picket fence is just so neighborly. It’ll make them want to come over to borrow a cup of azúcar. Everyone knows that if you have a storybook picket fence, you also have a gardener who trims around it. And in America, that means hiring a Mexican gardener. Imagine how many Mexican gardeners we would need to employ to trim the weeds around a 2000-mile long picket fence. Thousands of Mexican jobs.

So let’s scratch this awful wall idea and start talking real. A dainty little picket fence will make all of our immigration problems go away. It’s that simple.

Saudi Hit Squad to Protect U.S. from Immigrant Caravan

Breaking News graphic

WASHINGTON DC – October 24th, 2018, 9:05am EST

President Trump tweeted early Wednesday morning a threat to dispatch Saudi Arabia’s 15-man hit squad to the US/Mexico border to “take care of the caravan once and for all”. Trump was referring to the group of over 7,000 immigrants, now being called a caravan of immigrants, mostly from Honduras and other Central American countries. “This caravan, do you know who created it? Ask the Democrats. Ask the Democrats. And there are terrorist from the middle east hiding among them too. Very bad.”

Trump mentioned the 15-member Saudi team, that according to their own government was merely sent to the Saudi consulate in Turkey to “interrogate” Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Instead, they say they ended up “accidentally” killing him in a “fistfight”. Saudis have now admitted not only to killing the journalist but also to cutting him up with a bone-saw they brought from Saudi Arabia. “Whatever you say about them, you have to admit they certainly know how to take care of things in a serious way.”, tweeted Trump.

When asked later in an Oval Office press avail with the CEO’s of Exxon and Halliburton how 15 men could possibly hold back over 7,000 desperate immigrants, Trump replied, “Well that’s just the 15 we know of. And we know they use disguises, so we don’t know who is who. There may be thousands of them too, for all we know. And don’t forget they have swords.”, added the President.

“We’ve got to do something to stop these very bad people from coming into our country. And the Saudi’s, they don’t mess around.” Trump said. “We got into a little trouble for putting kids in cages, which did work by the way. It really did keep them from coming. Without the cages there’d be many more caravans to dodge. But since the liberals won’t let us do that anymore, Stephen (Miller) really likes bringing those very stealthy Saudi’s here to…let’s just say to discourage immigrants from coming. I’d hate to see them end up like that journalist.”

Questions of Country

citizenship test

Marrying a Prince wasn’t enough. Californian Meghan Markle still has to take a formal test before she can become a British citizen, even though she’s already a Royal. And it’s a serious test too, with questions about art and culture, about history, about agriculture. She’s having to study. Indeed. To be English, it seems, is to be well-rounded and knowledgeable about a great many things in life. You’re not really a Brit until you can distinguish between classical music composers.

The questions on a country’s citizenship test reveals a lot about the values and priorities of that country. The U.S.’s citizenship test asks the names of the 3 branches of government, which is something we all should know, but as Jay Leno’s Jay Walking segments taught us, very few natural born citizens know anything whatsoever about how our system works. Contrary to conventional wisdom, immigrants are often more knowledgeable about America than Americans. They have taken the test.

Since American values have changed so much in the Trump era, our citizenship test questions need to be updated to reflect the philosophy of our new government. The first question should be the one that has been asked by gangsters for decades now;

  • Where you from?

The correct answer is that anyone from anywhere but here, gets an F. You don’t get into the U.S., unless you’re from here. That’s who we are! Hah! But we’d keep the question;

  • Name the 3 branches of government

But today that’d be a trick question because there’s now only ONE branch of government; FOX.

Unlike our “friends” across the pond, before we get to frilly things like culture and gardening, we Americans want to make sure these are the best people coming into our great country. And that we’ll be safe with them living next door. So we’d get to the point;

  • Are you a rapist?
  • Have you ever raped anybody any women? Are you gay?
  • Are you currently raping anyone?
  • What is your net worth?
  • How many kids do you have back home?
  • Do you have insurance?
  • Do you have a bank account in Switzerland or the in the U.S. Virgin Islands?
  • Are you a lawyer or doctor?
  • Are you Asian with a degree in computer technology? Would you be willing to live in Palo Alto?
  • Are you an athelete?
  • What race are you?
  • Are you Muslim? Does your wife wear a turbin or burka?
  • How can you possibly tell who’s who if all of the women are wearing those head to toe burkas?
  • Are you famous in your country?
  • Are you beautiful or handsome? (by American standards, not British standards)
  • Have you ever stayed at a Trump Property? (If yes, please rate your experience using Yelp’s 5 star scale)
  • Did you notice how attractive the maids housekeeping workers were at Trump properties and resorts? Didn’t you notice that they were so much hotter prettier than you would ever find at a Courtyard Inn?
  • Who would you rather have in your sheets? A Trump maid or one from Courtyard, or any Mariott Hotel for that matter?
  • Rate the uniforms of Trump hotel housekeeping staff? Did they look “appropriate” and feel satisfying?
  • Why is abortion technically murder? Have you ever had an abortion? (for minorities please tell how many)
  • In the eyes of God, is abortion a medical procedure or a religious procedure?

Geo-political knowledge is vital for an informed citizenry.

  • Is Russia much better than some people say it is?
  • Does Putin work out or is he just naturally buff like that?
  • Who is more attractive, French President Macron or Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau? Have you ever seen photos of either of them shirtless on a horse?
  • Who touched President Trump more times and in more places, Macron or Trudeau?
  • Why doesn’t Benjamin Netanyahu have any accent whatsoever?
  • Did Benjamin Netanyahu invent Yahoo?
  • Are the Saudi’s good guys, even though the men wear those dresses and turbins?
  • Why don’t the Phillipines have any drug addicts? Why is that country named after Prince Phillip?
  • Why are the Palestinians always so unreasonable? Couldn’t we disarm the Palestinians if we just picked up all the rocks on their side of the border?
  • Why do we need a wall on our Southern border, to keep all of those Mexicans out of our beautiful U.S. cities? Should Mexico pay for that wall?
  • Is North Korea smarter than the U.S.? (please explain why it isn’t)
  • Who has more interesting hair for a man of his age, the leader of North Korea or the leader of The United States of America?
  • Why is Assad still running bankrupt Syria, when he could be making so much more money as an eye doctor at LensCrafters at the Mall of America?

For the agricultural questions we’d ask;

  • Have you ever seen a marijuana plant? If yes, explain, where and when? (please list specific names and addresses)
  • Which chemical weed killer works best to eradicate marijuana plants from the face of the earth?
  • In what red states do they use the term “weed eat” as a verb?
  • What breed of tree is a Christmas tree?

 Like the Brits, it’s important for we Americans that we screen for cultural intelligence.

  • Why are Hip Hop singers usually criminals?
  • What is the difference between RAP and Hip Hop? Who told you that?
  • Why is the cast of Hamilton so unpatriotic?
  • Why would liberals pay hundreds of dollars to see a bunch of minorities in tights when they could watch football for free?
  • Who is the best judge on Dancing with the Stars season 2?

We need some 2nd amendment questions too because it’s important to us that nobody touches our guns.

  • Why do liberals hate freedom?
  • Name the great leader of the NRA and explain why Wayne LaPierre has been so unfairly treated by the mainstream liberal media?
  • What famous actor, who also starred in The 10 Commandments, huge star, coined the beautiful phrase “From my cold dead hands”?
  • Explain why guns don’t kill people because people so clearly are the ones who kill people?

And finally, we really need to ask tough questions about the first amendment.

  • Why is Hillary such a terrible criminal?
  • Why are Mexican news anchors always blonde?
  • Which cable news network is the best? (sounds like pox)
  • Why do they try to make Don Lemon look like he’s 30 when he’s like 60 in real life?
  • Name the many, many awards that Sean Hannity has won during his huge carreer as the number one newsman in the entire world?
  • Name the number one newsman in the entire world?
  • Why is Sean Hannity the most trusted name in news? (it’s not CNN as they claim!)
  • Why is most news FAKE?
  • Why are NBC and MSNBC the leaders in Fake News?
  • Should Sean Hannity run for elected office?
  • Wouldn’t Sean Hannity look great in a black Supreme Court robe? (but not like Rehnquist’s which he ridiculously turned into a musical theater costume)
  • Explain why FOX is really fair and balanced.