DHS Secretary Nielsen Quits to Become CEO of Los Cojones!™

WASHINGTON DC – Mon April 8, 2019        Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, abruptly resigned on Sunday, after months under fire from democrats and even President Trump, who appointed her. Liberals had been battling Nielsen over her many controversial policies, including the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents as they attempted to apply for asylum at the US/Mexican border.

Last week President Trump increased his attacks on Nielsen, saying “She lost her nerve but she needs to find it again and refill those cages.” Trump was referring to the fenced holding cells that have been used to incarcerate the Central American refugee children apprehended at the border.  The tactic of taking the children away from their parents at the border was an effort of the Trump administration to intimidate immigrants, which backfired when public rage about locking up children in fenced cages swelled and DHS reversed the policy. DHS has been unable to reunite thousands of children, according to DHS statistics as recently as last week.

Nielsen announced Sunday that she is resigning from government to accept the position of CEO of the beleaguered Mexican restaurant chain, Los Cojones!™  “It’s no secret that I love Mexican food, and have really missed it.”, said Nielsen, referring to the public shouting down she received in a Mexican restaurant after the child separation began in June of 2018. Video of protestors shouting SHAME while Nielsen dined in a DC-area Mexican restaurant went viral and forced Nielsen to leave the restaurant giving up her favorite three-cheese enchiladas in tomatillo sauce.

“I’ve had to do without chimichangas for too long now.” Nielsen said Sunday.  “I’ve always loved Los Cojones!™” Nielsen acknowledged on Sunday, so I’m very excited about making many positive changes as I did in my tenure at DHS.”

The bankrupt national Mexican restaurant chain is in 22 red states and California. “The famous Los Cojones!™ Wet Bars, for instance, will soon be called Los Cojones!™ Wet Backs!”, Nielsen said.  “We’ve got to have a sense of humor about these things.” 

Nielsen is also planning to add new menu items including the Trump Tostada, a tostada shell full of nothing but red meat, except in the California stores where Nielsen admitted, ” we’ll have to throw in some salad.” 

Nielsen also plans to add children’s sections in all Los Cojones!™ restaurants. “No parents will be allowed in those sections so that they can enjoy a nice quiet dinner with a Margarita while their children will be treated to free kid’s meals and crayons. But don’t worry.” Nielsen added. “All of those children will be reunited with their parents… after they pay, and even given free Los Cojones!™ Pralines™.”

Get Out!


The new trend in our era of civic incivility is refusing to serve our political opponents in restaurants. White House white supremacist Stephen Miller was recently heckled in a DC Mexican restaurant, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was refused service at another restaurant, and our Homeland Security debutante Kirstjen Nielsen spent a half-hour eating guacamole with protestors shouting beside her table before her secret service agents finally escorted her out. And the not-so Supreme Court says that this is the way it should be with its recent ruling that homophobic bakers can refuse to serve gay couples if they don’t like gay couples. So this is probably not going to stop anytime soon. In the Trump administration, it seems that even walking into a restaurant has become divisive.

So the time has now come in America to create a Red/Blue Restaurant Map to help us all avoid being in the wrong place in the wrong tribe. Let’s begin with the easy ones. All Mexican restaurants are now officially blue. Even in red states. Republicans have ceded their right to dine in Mexican restaurants anywhere with their hateful rhetoric about Mexicans. The irony that the Trump administration is calling Mexicans rapists and criminals, and then going out after work for enchiladas and margaritas has not been lost on liberals. This is why Stephen Miller and Nielsen had to endure citizens shouting “the gall!” in Mexican restaurants. And the Taco Trucks go Blue too. Republicans made it quite clear what they thought of Taco Trucks during the election. So no more chips and salsa for GOP.

Also just to keep it simple, if Red is in the name of the restaurant it is now Republican, with the exception of the Red Hen restaurant, which kicked out Sarah Huckabee Sanders. It makes perfect since that she thought Red Hen was red-state friendly. She would have never gone into a restaurant named the Blue Hen. She’s far too red for that. So conservatives can have all those Red Lobster’s and Red Robin’s and the Dems will get all restaurants with Blue in the name; Blue Cow, Blu Jam Café, etc. If the name is Red, White, & Blue… well that’s over my pay-grade, that should go to the Supreme Court! Some might argue that both tribes could go to a patriotic place that had all 3 colors of Old Glory in its name, but then we’d have to sit side by side with our political foes, which of course, we can no longer do. So to the Supreme Court we go for their wisdom on that difficult question.

Good news for Republicans though, they can have all Chick-fil-A’s. This is by decree of EPA chief Scott Pruitt. He and his lovely wife just adore those. She’d like to run one herself, if she could. Call her. And he’s ordered expensive sound-proof phone booths to be installed in all Chick-fil-A’s, so that he can go into any of them at anytime to reverse clean air or clean water regulations in total secrecy.

Republicans can have all Chili’s restaurants too. And all other places with Beer-Battered-Deep-Fried-Jalapeño-Chili-Pepper-Poppers on the menu. Republicans consider Chili’s fine dining, so this will be a huge relief to conservatives. Denny’s, IHOP’s, and Waffle Houses can also go red. Dems will be sad about the loss of Waffle Houses, not because the food is good, but conservatives aren’t the only ones who get drunk and need an omelette at 3am. That one is a real liberal loss.

In return, Liberals will get all family owned Italian restaurants that serve tiramisu and insalata caprese. Conservatives don’t like “insalata” anyway because it’s a foreign word, and it’s got something to do with salad. Conservatives will get all of the Olive Garden’s, which Republicans think is gourmet Italian anyway.

Liberals will get all millennial-owned restaurants with those cool-looking retro light bulbs and menu’s written on the black walls with chalk. If Aioli is on the menu, it’s blue. If your server takes your order on an ipad, it’s Democratic. And all Starbucks go blue too, because they closed all their stores to do diversity training… and they get a pass because we all love us some Starbucks. If there is a No Guns Allowed sign, it’s blue. If they have Chardonnay, ceasar salad, or tofu, it’s blue.

And then there’s one overriding rule that applies everywhere; no matter what type of food it serves, or what color the state that you’re in… if it has FOX NEWS on the TV, it’s definitely Red.