WASHINGTON DC, February 20, 2020, 5:31pm EST – Following today’s sentencing of President Trump’s self described “dirty trickster”, Roger Stone, to 3 years and 4 months in prison, Trump announced today that he was pardoning Stone. Trump has pardoned other controversial convicted criminals this week, including junk bond king Michael Milken. What is different this time is that Trump cited the reason for the Stone pardon as a “public need for leadership” in Trump’s fledgling new branch of the military, Space Force. “I’m pardoning Roger Stone,”, acknowledged the president, “and by the way I really don’t know him well at all, but I need him, we need him, to lead our new Space Force.”, said the president on The White House south lawn, although Stone has no military experience.
“He’s the real Joker, in that purple hat. Cesar Millan could never get away with that hat and you know it.”, said Trump, apparently mistakenly referring to Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan instead of Cesar Romero, who was the original Joker in the Batman television series. “And those round glasses. Nobody can get away with that except Roger, and he looks good doesn’t he? You know he looks good in that uniform. And I know it. Frankly, I can see all of them wearing that stuff. It’s like Batman. But in space.”
Trump then added that he pardoned former disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich earlier this week because of his jailhouse nickname, Chewy. “I can only imagine why they called him Chewy in prison. I can imagine that quite vividly. Jail is a tough place.”, said Trump. “And we just lost our Chewbacca, the real one. So we need Rod for that now.” When a reporter asked whether he would admit that Blagojevich was a crook, Trump replied, “I will admit… that when I saw the video of him coming out of jail with that white hair, I admit I was shocked. Looks good on Paul, actually, but not so good on Rod. But in the Chewbacca costume, it won’t show at all. So together Roger and Rod, oh I like the sound of that, don’t you? Roger and Rod. Together they’re gonna be two great leaders of Space Force.”
When asked by reporters about rumors that he’d been considering hiring unemployed prince Harry to head Space Force, Trump said “No, I decided against it. Harry would be great. He flies choppers in the military and all that. And he’s a Brit. We love our Brits. But that wife of his, what’s her name, she’s a nasty one.”
Trump has tweeted about Meghan 47 times in the last month including attacks on her mixed race parents and calling her a “Californicator”. “She’s now the only Black Canadian, other than Trudeau. Did you see those photos of him?”, added Trump. “Bad news.”
Thank you, Thomas Jefferson, for fucking us. Of all the things you could have had us pursue…You could’ve had us pursue basic pleasantries with our neighbors, and perhaps today we would not be a divided nation that can’t even talk to each other. You could’ve had us pursue good health, and then maybe today Americans would not be the most obese people in the world. You could’ve had us pursue knowledge and then we’d not be having to bribe our kids into college. If you had chosen knowledge instead of happiness, then maybe 1/3 of Americans wouldn’t believe Russia is our friend and the world might not be in this ridiculous mess in the first place. But noooooo! You said Happiness. We could have all been happier being healthy or smart or being able to communicate with each other.
Jefferson meant well, but he doomed all future Americans to misery with his lofty notion that we should pursue… happiness. It sounds good on the surface. I mean, who doesn’t want happiness, right? Happiness gets 5 stars on YELP. But that’s just because Jefferson sold us that idea. Before that, nobody had ever presumed people were entitled to …happiness. If you just avoided the plague it was a good day. If your village wasn’t raided and your head wasn’t chopped off, you had done a pretty good job of being a rational and responsible citizen that day. But then, in strolled Jefferson with his fancy feather in hand, to set the bar a little, no A LOT higher. Far too high. Let’s not just worry about survival any more, let’s try to be happy while we’re planting and plowing. WTF? No wonder today Americans want credit for “adulting” the first time they go grocery shopping without their parents.
The problem with this brilliant idea of pursuing happiness is the pursuit part. Jefferson knew people weren’t ever really happy for the whole day long, so he wrote “the pursuit of happiness.” In modern day Los Angeles a pursuit means news choppers and spike strips. At least a televised police pursuit usually ends with a petty criminal being tackled by Highway Patrolmen after a pit maneuver. Now that’s happiness. And a satisfying pursuit that sates one’s appetite, if not for happiness, at least for perverse 21st century live entertainment. And it’s free, if you pay for cable.
If I had a nickel with-his-face-on-it for every time I’ve had a great idea that never took off, I’d be a gazillionaire. But Jefferson knew the future. He was clearly envisioning Facebook when he wrote about the pursuit of happiness. He figured that seeing photos (although he’d never seen a photo) of other people’s perfect salads would drive us all to pursue even better salads, on cooler more rustic-looking outdoor tables than our friends have, with those little white party lights strung over the patio. It’s the pursuit of … Wayfair.
Tom would be so, dare I say, happy to know that centuries later most American adults would spend an average of 3 hours per day staring at their phones, trying to convince themselves and everyone else that they are indeed happy. In technological pursuit of happiness. Check it off your list, late Thomas. Mission accomplished. We’re pursuing our asses off.
Because the House Rules seemed to work so swimmingly in the Impeachment hearings, I decided to try to institute them at my house. After all, these rules go back to the framers. They’re tried and true for centuries. Why wouldn’t we all be using them in our houses?
So when my wife called me to come in from my gardening because she just thought of something she wanted to tell me and it couldn’t wait, I replied “For what purpose does the gentlelady from California seek recognition?” Turns out, that didn’t go over very well. But because these rules worked so well during the hearings, I didn’t give up.
In fact, the next time I added props. I bought a gavel on amazon for less than $20 and brought it into the kitchen for when she criticizes me for not washing all of the silverware when I do the dishes. So when she began her attack, I turned and said “Point of order! Point of order!” as I brandished my gavel with my sudsy hands. She, in return, opened a drawer and without a single word pulled out a meat tenderizer and proceeded to gavel a chicken breast into a pancake with 4 loud whacks that made the dog hide under the table. I dried my hands on the dish towel and quietly retreated to the den.
I was pretty sure this one would work, because of the double entendre. When I’m driving and she always tells me to slow down or to watch out for that car over there, I would simply say “Will the gentlelady yield?”, a little driving joke. But when she did it and I used that line straight from the House of Representatives, it landed with such a loud thud that it nearly activated the air bags.
My favorite House Rule of the hearings was the oft used “Move to strike the last word.” Upon hearing this phrase, I immediately thought of a million uses for this rule at my house. Anytime my wife begins a sentence with, “Now, listen…” I will just “Move to strike the last word”. Whenever she tells me to throw away my treasured 1970’s Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band concert jersey that is so threadbare a sneeze would blow it apart, I’ll just tell her “I move to strike the last word.” When she tells me I have the diet of a ten-year-old, I will say “Move to strike the last word.” But in reality, when my wife actually told me to clean up the garage and I finally got up the nerve to try out this little chestnut, I said “I Move to strike…”
She cut me off with all the authority of the Speaker of the House, “Don’t you dare!” she says wagging her finger at me. And then her finger morphs into that meat tenderizer. And then she morphs into Nancy Pelosi holding that oversized Speaker gavel that looks more like Gallagher’s watermelon-obliterating Sledge-o-matic. I cower at the foot of the speaker of my house, acknowledging that I cannot institute house rules in my house, because I am married to the Speaker. Only she has the power to dictate the house rules.
Except for one, which she allows and even encourages me to repeat daily now. “I yield back.”
It begins in the morning, my desire to be more conservative. Not because I admire conservative ideology, I do not. But merely for the convenience of it. Being a liberal is just so much harder.
In the morning shower there is always a spider awaiting me. I don’t know why my shower has so damned many spiders and I want to ask everyone I know if there’s a spider in their shower every morning but you don’t dare ask people about their showers nowadays. My first instinct, although I’m a liberal, is always quite conservative; KILL IT. It’s an instinct clearly born out of fear of things that are different than me. A liberal form of insect racism. Even before I turn the water on it to wash it down the drain, my liberal moral dilemma has already begun.
Any conservative in my spider-shower would’ve already washed it down the drain and finished his shower by now, while the liberal stands frozen in a naked tableau wondering if the spider has any children. And if so, are they waiting back in the nest or web or wherever baby spiders wait for mom to bring them food, if it even works that way for spiders. Maybe it’s only birds. Who knows? Not a liberal. But still we worry about these things.
The conservative is out of the shower by now and is enjoying toweling off a little too much, while the liberal has realized that he’s late for work and capitulates to the Darwinian pressures of the real world and while saying aloud “I am a terrible person” he turns the water on the spider. But the struggle of that little thing as it fights for its life is too much and the liberal burns his hand on the hot shower nozzle as he turns it away to save the spider. Is it a she, like Charlotte, in Charlotte’s Web? The liberal stands with his red ankles, red because they are being scalded as he tries to shield the spider from the hot water while using the shampoo bottle as a medi-vac flight, to hoist the half-smashed little guy up and take it to safety. The liberal is admitting to himself that he has a shameful killer instinct, probably stemming from his ancestors in Arkansas, but by trying to rescue the spider he is proving to himself that he can overcome it and be a better human.
The Conservative is by now ordering steak and eggs, because that is the kind of heart-attack food conservatives eat for breakfast, and why not since you can’t hurt what you don’t have. He is on his third cup of joe with breakfast at his favorite coffee shop where in 2019 they still call the waitresses Hon and tip them with coins.
The red-ankled liberal is now talking aloud to God, if only there were one, saying things like, Who am I to decide that another living thing doesn’t matter? and How arrogant am I? And by the time the liberal accidentally squashes the already dead spider by trying to use the conditioner bottle to scoop it onto the shampoo bottle in order to save it, the liberal has assigned it a personal gender pronoun and is giving Them (that the spider’s pgp) a eulogy.
The conservative is driving alongside the crystal blue ocean in a red convertible now, his hair blowing in the wind. The liberal in the shower faces the truth, swallows hard, and washes the dead bug down the drain, with the heaviest of hearts. He tries to wash his hair but can’t bear to pick up that shampoo bottle again, the one that tore the spider in half during the botched rescue. He thinks how Jimmy Carter must’ve felt.
The conservative now lies in a hammock looking out at the green Caribbean Sea over his bare feet while he sells stocks on his cell phone worth two point five zillion dollars. The liberal stands numb, choking on the water running into his nose and mouth, struggling to breathe and to get that violent image out of his head of the innocent spider kicking all its little legs trying to save herself from certain death. Why did he decide to wipe out all that that spider had learned in its short life, like how to spin webs and hunt flies and write Some Pig in its web?
The conservative is now running the world and dismantling democracy while the liberal has managed to get himself out of the shower, away from the scene of the crime. He wonders if there is a Truth and Reconciliation Commission for spider murderers like him. There should be, he thinks. There should be. He wipes the steam off the mirror with his shriveled hand only to see the guilty face of a killer who is no better than a chanting Republican. A water-wasting murderer no less, who has just wasted enough water to fill Lake Tahoe. He stares at himself in the foggy mirror and then splashes cold water on his face to wash that violent image of the poor struggling spider out of his mind. Another liberal with PTSD, and he hasn’t even had his coffee yet.
Washington DC — May 22, 10:15am EST “House Democrats have finally had
enough!” said a leading Democratic congressman, who spoke on condition of
anonymity as he entered a closed-door meeting of the House Democratic caucus Wednesday
morning to discuss impeachment of the president. Democrats are newly emboldened
about the prospect of starting impeachment proceedings after the Trump
administration has refused to honor all congressional subpoenas.
Even Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who until now has tried to quell
impeachment talk among Democrats, is speaking tough. “The president is involved
in a cover-up! And we will not be pushed around any longer.” When asked by reporters what Democrats would
do if former presidential advisor Hope Hicks ignores her subpoena as former White
House Counsel Don McGahn did yesterday, Pelosi said, “We’ll see to it that we
get her swift attention. We will hit her where it hurts.” While Pelosi refused
to state what specific punishment Hicks might face, Pelosi’s deputy did not
deny the rumor that House Democrats are prepared to have Hicks banned from all
“cosmetics stores” in the DC area.
And if that isn’t tough enough, presidential candidate Beto
O’Rourke (D-TX) went even further. “We are prepared to order Don McGahn’s
mother to testify on Capitol Hill if he keeps stonewalling. Nobody wants to see
their mother dragged in front of the cameras.”
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY)
threatened to have the gym memberships revoked of all Trump administration
officials who ignore subpoenas. “We’re taking off the kid gloves and hitting
them where it hurts!” Nadler said.
While no reporters were allowed in the closed-door meeting,
it was leaked that Democratic caucus members overwhelmingly supported ordering
the House sergeant-at-arms to have “the boot” put on the cars of all those administration
officials who put themselves above the law and ignore subpoenas. “This is it.
We’re fed up and we’re taking action!” said Pelosi as she exited the meeting. “We’re
praying and we’re taking action. We’re all in agreement that the time has come
to put an end to this flouting of the law.” Pelosi added. “When their cable is
shut off, they’ll know we mean business.”
Washington, DC, Friday May 17, 2019 – The Department of Homeland Security confirmed this week that they have ordered nearly two hundred TSA personnel to the southwestern border to “assist in the humanitarian and security crisis at the US/Mexican border.” DHS refused to say specifically what role TSA personnel would play at the border.
While this move surprised many, some members of the Trump administration have been expecting TSA’s role to increase at the border for nearly a month. It has been rumored for weeks that presidential advisor Stephen Miller became infatuated with a male TSA agent after being patted down before a recent flight at Reagan International airport. White House staffers say they first became aware of Miller’s crush when he showed up for work the following Monday wearing blue rubber gloves. “I first thought it was a joke, until he tried to look inside my briefcase and told me to throw away my bottled water.” said a perplexed west wing staffer on background. “And he’s been wearing them every day since.”
TSA officials at Reagan International airport confirmed that
after Miller was hand-searched by an unidentified male TSA screener in early April,
and that he returned to the metal detector for additional screening 7 times
before his flight. “He kept requesting another search by the same male agent.” said
a TSA manager, “and when nothing was found he’d smile and say, ‘Well, maybe
next time.’ Then he’d walk back around and get in line again.”
DHS officials in Washington denied that the deployment of
TSA personnel at the border has anything to do with Miller’s personal life. “We
simply needed our best trained people at the border, and nobody is as sharp as
our TSA screeners.” said Asst. DHS Secretary Ima White. When asked about the high percentage of guns
and bombs that TSA screeners have failed to detect in numerous security tests
nationwide, White said, “Yes, but how many illegal bottles of Evian have been
confiscated by TSA in every airport nationwide? Nobody ever gives us credit when
the system works.”
Reporters shouted questions to Miller Thursday night as he left the White House, which prompted him to raise his blue-gloved hand as if to stop them. “Nobody suggested that Michael Jackson was in love with a gorgeous TSA guy when he wore a glove, did they? But why is it when a white guy wears a glove to express himself it’s suddenly suspicious?” Miller continued to deny that he is gay when asked by reporters, and accused them of being homophobic. “If you think somebody is gay just because they know a good search when they feel one, then you’re the crazy one. Then you’re a liberal!”
Nearly an hour later Miller was reported to have been shouted
out of Pepitos, a nearby D.C. Mexican restaurant, after being recognized
because of his blue gloves while sipping a mango margarita in the bar.
WASHINGTON DC – Mon April 8, 2019 Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, abruptly resigned on Sunday, after months under fire from democrats and even President Trump, who appointed her. Liberals had been battling Nielsen over her many controversial policies, including the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents as they attempted to apply for asylum at the US/Mexican border.
Last week President Trump increased his attacks on Nielsen,
saying “She lost her nerve but she needs to find it again and refill those
cages.” Trump was referring to the fenced holding cells that have been used to
incarcerate the Central American refugee children apprehended at the border. The tactic of taking the children away from
their parents at the border was an effort of the Trump administration to
intimidate immigrants, which backfired when public rage about locking up
children in fenced cages swelled and DHS reversed the policy. DHS has been
unable to reunite thousands of children, according to DHS statistics as
recently as last week.
Nielsen announced Sunday that she is resigning from
government to accept the position of CEO of the beleaguered Mexican restaurant
chain, Los Cojones!™ “It’s no secret
that I love Mexican food, and have really missed it.”, said Nielsen, referring
to the public shouting down she received in a Mexican restaurant after the
child separation began in June of 2018. Video of protestors shouting SHAME while
Nielsen dined in a DC-area Mexican restaurant went viral and forced Nielsen to
leave the restaurant giving up her favorite three-cheese enchiladas in
“I’ve had to do without chimichangas for too long now.”
Nielsen said Sunday. “I’ve always loved
Los Cojones!™” Nielsen acknowledged on Sunday, so I’m very excited about making
many positive changes as I did in my tenure at DHS.”
The bankrupt national Mexican restaurant chain is in 22 red
states and California. “The famous Los Cojones!™ Wet Bars, for instance, will
soon be called Los Cojones!™ Wet Backs!”, Nielsen said. “We’ve got to have a sense of humor about
Nielsen is also planning to add new menu items including the Trump Tostada, a tostada shell full of nothing but red meat, except in the California stores where Nielsen admitted, ” we’ll have to throw in some salad.”
Nielsen also plans to add children’s sections in all Los Cojones!™ restaurants. “No parents will be allowed in those sections so that they can enjoy a nice quiet dinner with a Margarita while their children will be treated to free kid’s meals and crayons. But don’t worry.” Nielsen added. “All of those children will be reunited with their parents… after they pay, and even given free Los Cojones!™ Pralines™.”
WASHINGTON D.C. – Friday March 29th, 12:53pm ET Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, appearing before Congress for a second day Friday, retracted her call for defunding the Special Olympics after being berated by House Democrats on Thursday and after President Trump contradicted her Thursday evening by voicing support for funding the event for people with special needs. Media accounts framed DeVos as being “thrown under the bus by the administration”.
DeVos said Friday about her reversal, “I’ve been supportive of funding The Special Olympics behind the scenes for several years. Except for yesterday.”
Illinois Democrat Richard Durbin responded, “Well, I guess you deserve a gold medal in hypocrisy for your performance yesterday, Madame Secretary.” Durbin then held up a card, as would an Olympic judge, that said in handwritten magic marker, A Perfect 10 in Hypocrisy!
DeVos thanked Durbin for the high score. “I do like gold very much, Congressman, and I’m so flattered for the high marks, but it might not look right if I accepted the gold metal, so I think I’d better let the handicapped people have those precious metals.”
“It’s a gold medal, not metal with a T.” Durbin pointed out.
“Gold is a precious metal, no matter how you spell it, Senator.”
“And the term ‘handicapped’ is outdated and insensitive.”, added Durbin. “And I’m not a… oh never mind.”
Later in her testimony the Secretary of Education shocked
even Republicans on the committee when she called for funding cuts for puppies
and ice cream. Trump loyalist Devin Nunez (R-CA) asked, “How, for the love of
God, can you cut funding for ice cream?”
“It distracts children from learning.” DeVos responded. “We
have to make some hard choices because of the tax cuts for the poor.” She then
giggled and added, “It’s been a rocky road.”
DEAR DIARY, yesterday was the busiest day yet of the NATIONAL EMERGENCY
because it rained in Los Angeles. Hard. When it rains in LA there’s no doubt
that it’s an emergency. People run in the streets as if they’re being shot at.
Cars fueled by Starbucks creep along inch by inch through torrents of raging
rivers beside the carpool lane, their pilots’ faces grimacing behind their
fogged up windows as they talk about their careers on the phone. I suited up in
the bright yellow rain poncho I got at a USC game last time it rained in 2016
and headed out to assist. People will see the burgundy FIGHT ON logo on my
chest as encouraging when they are stranded and sitting on top of their cars on
the Hollywood Freeway. I take some rope from the garage just in case. It’s that
pretty multi-colored nylon ski rope and while firefighters might scoff at the
beauty of it, nobody will be laughing when it becomes a lifeline as I perform a
swift water rescue in the middle of a major intersection at rush hour. I toss
the rope and some gardening gloves and some matches (in case I need to build a
fire) in my car and drive straight into the storm. I sit at the first red light
for 5 cycles, which is 19 minutes. Then
the second stop light for 3 cycles, which takes 12 minutes, during which time
the rain has stopped and the clouds have parted. My rescue skills won’t be
needed today after all. I do a “Starsky and Hutch u-turn” and head back towards
home base. I wait through those two traffic signals for another 17 minutes
while keeping my powder (and my rescue rope) dry for the next time. LA
weatherman Dallas Raines says it’s supposed to rain again tomorrow. And I’m
#RainRainGoAway #I’veGotYourLifelineRightHere #Donate2Kickstarter4Helmets
3/9/19 5:20pm DEAR DIARY, yesterday was the 3–week
anniversary of the official declaration of NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I didn’t have
time to write in my journal because I spent most of the day online looking for
the parade. You’d think on an auspicious anniversary like this, there’d be a
military parade or at least a “Come on America let’s stick together ‘cuz it’s a
NATIONAL EMERGENCY” tickertape parade like they used to have during WW2. I went
to the City of Los Angeles Events and Street Closures website and found no
parades whatsoever. What? There was an
Arbor Day event in the valley where The Tree People were giving away seedlings,
but no parade. There was a Farmers Market in Hollywood, but no parade. There
was a health fair where you can get your blood pressure checked in an RV in
Long Beach, but no parade. Then I realized what’s happening. They’re waiting on
the one-month anniversary to do the big parade. More of a round number. #BringBackParadesDammit! #LetsCelebrateThis EmergencyRight #Happy3WeekAnniversary
3/10/19 12:12pm People are slowly starting to think about survival skills. I saw a news story online about two little girls in Northern California, who survived for a couple of days lost in the wilderness because of their…wait for it… SURVIVAL TRAINING. That’s right. There were taught in 4-H to lick the water drops off of leaves, which is why they were only mildly dehydrated when rescued. Since it’s Sunday and my neighbors don’t have 4-H, I invited them to come to my first FREE Emergency Survival Training workshop. This time, I had FREE hot dogs, because I know that food attracts people. When it did not, I figured I’d just demonstrate the 4-H method of water collection in the wild, and my neighbors would see out their windows and take note, even if they were too embarrassed about their ignorance of survival skills to attend my workshop, which was FREE by the way! So I went next door to demonstrate for whomever was looking out the window, only to realize that they have no leaves at all in their yard. They chopped down their beautiful 50yr old fir tree a few years ago. Too bad for them as they could die of thirst later in this emergency because of that one bad decision with a tree trimming company 3 years ago. I went to the next house but noticed that they too had chopped down the huge 70yr old maple tree in their yard. Do these people hate water this much? I skipped all the houses with fake grass because I’m not licking dew off of any astro-turf, I have my pride. I passed all of the treeless yards and just went straight to the one jungle-like house way down at the end of the block with leaves galore. They have those huge banana palm plants next to their living room window for perfect viewing. I approached the window quietly and noticed a woman inside in a burgundy bathrobe. Perfect. I started licking a huge leaf right in front of the window. Ewe. Nasty. I admit that I didn’t think there’d be so much dirt in my mouth since it just rained. Ewe. I turned my head instinctually and spit. Unintentionally I spit on the window and the woman inside who was observing my class seemed a bit upset about it. “It’s okay!”, I yelled through her triple-paned window. “It’s just water. Look!”, I said. And without even thinking about it, I licked it off the window, which was gross, I admit, but a good teacher will go to any lengths to bring their students to that light bulb moment, you know. It never occurred to me that I might gag, as I did, at the thought of it, afterward, and well… I threw up on her window. I was a bit surprised as it all happened so fast. I could hear some screaming through that very thick window and I figured this was enough teaching for one day and I ran home, only to find an LAPD car parked across from my house. The cop was so on top of it that he had already heard from the community about my little accident down the street. Turns out that he was very interested in my Survival Training Classes. Yay. I asked him where I could buy some LAPD cop helmets for the neighbors, and he just stared for minute, then got in his car and left. Must’ve had a call.
2/27/19 9:05am DEAR DIARY, It’s day 13 of our NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I just turned on the big screen in my special big screen viewing tent in the backyard, only to see the real news under Cohen in the crawl that Congress may vote to end the NATIONAL EMERGENCY. WHAT? Just like that? Without any closing ceremonies or signing of treaties on an old ship? This is why it doesn’t pay to invest in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY these days! Nobody’s in it for the long haul. Sure let’s just vote to end it. Let’s all take the plastic off our windows and pretend there’s no emergency. At ease, everyone. Everything’s just fine!
2/28/19 9:15am DEAR DIARY, It appears on the 14th day of this NATIONAL EMERGENCY that congress has not officially ended the emergency yet. It seems they move slowly. So until they pull the plug, there’s still plenty to do for concerned citizens. I decide to check the beaches since that is one of LA’s main vulnerabilities. I dress like a regular beachgoer, but with plastic Depends® under my khaki shorts, just in case I have to do a water rescue. Fortunately I bought a case of Depends® at the beginning of the Emergency for when the toilets stop working, never even dreaming that they’d double as a wet suit. Yet another positive benefit of preparedness. The water is calm and my earthquake app doesn’t show any recent temblors in the area, so I rule out the possibility of a Tsunami. The only invading armies I see are the tourists buying surfboard key chains on the pier. Fishermen fish, kids build castles in the sand, the Ferris wheel ferrises, and the lifeguards, however ancient, are still blonder and sexier than anywhere else on TV. Everything is normal here. Check. No sign of emergency in Santa Monica. Check. Beaches safe (except for the unsafe levels of sewage in the bay, but that’s obviously no emergency). Check. I’m returning to the valley where I am needed.
3/1/19 11:41am DEAR DIARY, Today is the 2-week anniversary of the NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I’ve concluded that Los Angelenos are just not taking this very seriously. At all. They don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. When a president declares it to be a NATIONAL EMERGENCY, that means there is an emergency… somewhere. So, I’m taking the initiative to organize my neighbors by volunteering to be our Emergency Block Captain. I make a flyer, introducing myself and point out that I live in the only house on the block with plastic over the windows. Hopefully they will get the hint and follow suit. Some people want to be prepared but just don’t know how. They need help. So I’ve taken it upon myself to help my neighbors. I’m forgiving whoever came and stole Bonnie and Clyde, my very expensive plastic ebay alligators, which I had grown very fond of by the way, and I’m offering to help even those thieves. Even if I knew who put the gnomes in my moat, I would still help them, because in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY, we all have to pull together. So I take my reward signs down from the telephone poles, and replace them with my new EMERGENCY Block Club flyers. #HelpThyNeighborCuzItsANATIONALEMERGENCY! #I’mVolunteering2BEMERGENCYBlockCaptain #IfUStoleMyGatorsIForgiveU
3/2/19 9:17am DEAR DIARY, While looking for emergencies on the weather channel in my viewing tent in the backyard, I saw a report with a black Labrador retriever helping find bodies in the rubble after a tornado somewhere and I realized that I have a black lab sitting… well, sleeping right there. Labs are great rescue dogs, and I’ve got one! But we’ll need to do some training first. So I ask Lucy if she wants to be a hero. She doesn’t move. I ask her again. She snores. I say the word “cookie” and she immediately snaps awake, starts pawing at me, and begins the slow gradual shifting of her body toward the edge of the sofa cushion (yes I moved the sofa out here too and when that earthquake comes I will feel so smart for being proactive and not having my house fall on me). I get some dog biscuits from the metal food cabinet, which is an old silver cabinet from the garage that I dragged into the yard and padlocked next to the tent (in case of bears). I tell Lucy to sit, and she stares. I show her a cookie and she sits. I say stay and she stands. I show her a cookie and she sits and stays. I see the pattern. So I show her a cookie and say “evacuate the neighbors, Lucy.” Nothing. “Illegal aliens are coming to get us, Lucy. Save us!” Nothing. I show her a cookie. “Lucy, there’s a Tsunami!” Nothing. “Go find a body, Lucy. Find a body for daddy.” Nothing. Okay, it could be that Lucy is not military grade. #GetARealDog
3/4/19 9:13am DEAR DIARY, Yesterday was the first Sunday morning in my new role as Emergency Block Captain of my neighborhood, so I decided to hold my first preparedness workshop in the driveway for the neighbors. I thought it’d be more engaging if at the first meeting they were actually doing something rather than just sitting there and listening to me tell them everything they need to know about NATIONAL EMERGENCIES. And it makes me look like a smarter leader if they have fun at our first meeting. I moved the razor wire out of the driveway and set up some folding tables so we could all build something together like they do in the parking lot on Sunday mornings outside Home Depot. But what to build that will be useful in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY? Flashlight, perhaps. Explosive diversion grenade, absolutely, but too dangerous for the kids to build. I do know how to build a harmonica out of popsicle sticks, rubber bands, and plastic wrap. It’s more like whistle really, but it could be used to signal each other. If all the neighbors built these special whistles, then we could whistle back and forth from house to house and relay messages if anything bad happens. We could whistle in Morse Code. This is a great idea and will really help keep people be safe! Thank God Michaels is still open in this NATIONAL EMERGENCY. What heroes they are. I bought the rubber bands and popsicle sticks and even some aprons like they give you at the Home Depot workshops, except these are red and say Hobbylicious in fingerpaint right above the Michael’s logo. I set up for my emergency whistle-building class. And, I waited… I waited… for the neighbors…and I waited… #Ingrates!
3/5/19 9:03am DEAR DIARY, I spent
Monday returning the unused aprons to Michael’s as they cost me $11 each. This
emergency is adding up quick. After thinking on it, I realized that the reason
no neighbors showed up for my Sunday morning workshop was that they didn’t see
the invitation signs on the telephone poles. Only Lucy-walkers and overachiever
fitness nuts ever dare to be on foot in this neighborhood, so nobody saw the
signs. Drivers don’t even slow down for the stop signs on my street, so that
must’ve been the reason.
I think everyone would be more excited about this emergency if they had an emergency uniform of some sort. A full uniform would be the best, especially if they had boots. Boots always make a uniform. But that’s way too expensive. Maybe just a hat (no, the surplus stores are gone!)? Maybe just a lapel pin, like the president wore when he declared this NATIONAL EMERGENCY a couple of weeks ago? I search the internet for pin-making sites. It’ll only cost about $5 per lapel pin, after the $250 set-up fee, and that’s if I buy at least 500 of them. So for less than $3k, I can give almost every household in the neighborhood a pin, which will make them feel more official about being an Emergency Responder. But the pin-maker site requires camera-ready artwork. I’ll need a logo for the National Emergency. Hmmm? If immigrants are the emergency then what should the logo be? The Statue of Liberty? A passport? A coyote? An ICE agent? Or should we go more “generic emergency” with flames, a huge wave, a tornado, and a missile? We could put each emergency icon in a quadrant of the logo, like a city seal. It needs to look official. I’m gonna need a graphic designer. Maybe an old one, to give us that old official feel. Not a young person with those modern swirly tech company logos, but old fashioned and out of date heavy imagery like a government would have. I put a listing for pro-bono graphic designers on a patriot website with a flag and a gun on their homepage. Now that’s the kind of emergency imagery that gets people excited.
3/6/19 7:13am DEAR DIARY, Last night it started raining in my emergency backyard viewing tent, so my big screen stopped working and everything got wet. Cold and wet. And with all the lightning, I decided it was worth the risk to sleep in the house last night. Plus Lucy needed to dry out. The whole tent smelled like wet dog. So I went inside and got online and pivoted from buying Emergency Pins to buying Emergency Pens. That one letter saved me $2000. So instead of a uniform, everybody gets a red pen that says on the side in #8font For EMERGENCY USE ONLY! NATIONAL EMERGENCY 2019 If I squint I can see that there’s writing on it. I’ll have to use a magnifying glass to actually read it, but I trust that it says what they say it says. It still costs me $600 so it’s not cheap. Man, it takes an entire marketing team and a real budget to get a NATIONAL EMERGENCY up and running properly. And we still don’t have helmets! I’m gonna create a Kickstarter campaign for my emergency helmets. #WhatsANationalEmergencyWithoutHelmets? #HelmetsMatter #EmergenciesRBetterWithHelmets #WatchYourHead #BringBackArmySurplusStores