Washington DC — May 22, 10:15am EST “House Democrats have finally had
enough!” said a leading Democratic congressman, who spoke on condition of
anonymity as he entered a closed-door meeting of the House Democratic caucus Wednesday
morning to discuss impeachment of the president. Democrats are newly emboldened
about the prospect of starting impeachment proceedings after the Trump
administration has refused to honor all congressional subpoenas.
Even Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who until now has tried to quell
impeachment talk among Democrats, is speaking tough. “The president is involved
in a cover-up! And we will not be pushed around any longer.” When asked by reporters what Democrats would
do if former presidential advisor Hope Hicks ignores her subpoena as former White
House Counsel Don McGahn did yesterday, Pelosi said, “We’ll see to it that we
get her swift attention. We will hit her where it hurts.” While Pelosi refused
to state what specific punishment Hicks might face, Pelosi’s deputy did not
deny the rumor that House Democrats are prepared to have Hicks banned from all
“cosmetics stores” in the DC area.
And if that isn’t tough enough, presidential candidate Beto
O’Rourke (D-TX) went even further. “We are prepared to order Don McGahn’s
mother to testify on Capitol Hill if he keeps stonewalling. Nobody wants to see
their mother dragged in front of the cameras.”
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY)
threatened to have the gym memberships revoked of all Trump administration
officials who ignore subpoenas. “We’re taking off the kid gloves and hitting
them where it hurts!” Nadler said.
While no reporters were allowed in the closed-door meeting,
it was leaked that Democratic caucus members overwhelmingly supported ordering
the House sergeant-at-arms to have “the boot” put on the cars of all those administration
officials who put themselves above the law and ignore subpoenas. “This is it.
We’re fed up and we’re taking action!” said Pelosi as she exited the meeting. “We’re
praying and we’re taking action. We’re all in agreement that the time has come
to put an end to this flouting of the law.” Pelosi added. “When their cable is
shut off, they’ll know we mean business.”
Washington, DC, Friday May 17, 2019 – The Department of Homeland Security confirmed this week that they have ordered nearly two hundred TSA personnel to the southwestern border to “assist in the humanitarian and security crisis at the US/Mexican border.” DHS refused to say specifically what role TSA personnel would play at the border.
While this move surprised many, some members of the Trump administration have been expecting TSA’s role to increase at the border for nearly a month. It has been rumored for weeks that presidential advisor Stephen Miller became infatuated with a male TSA agent after being patted down before a recent flight at Reagan International airport. White House staffers say they first became aware of Miller’s crush when he showed up for work the following Monday wearing blue rubber gloves. “I first thought it was a joke, until he tried to look inside my briefcase and told me to throw away my bottled water.” said a perplexed west wing staffer on background. “And he’s been wearing them every day since.”
TSA officials at Reagan International airport confirmed that
after Miller was hand-searched by an unidentified male TSA screener in early April,
and that he returned to the metal detector for additional screening 7 times
before his flight. “He kept requesting another search by the same male agent.” said
a TSA manager, “and when nothing was found he’d smile and say, ‘Well, maybe
next time.’ Then he’d walk back around and get in line again.”
DHS officials in Washington denied that the deployment of
TSA personnel at the border has anything to do with Miller’s personal life. “We
simply needed our best trained people at the border, and nobody is as sharp as
our TSA screeners.” said Asst. DHS Secretary Ima White. When asked about the high percentage of guns
and bombs that TSA screeners have failed to detect in numerous security tests
nationwide, White said, “Yes, but how many illegal bottles of Evian have been
confiscated by TSA in every airport nationwide? Nobody ever gives us credit when
the system works.”
Reporters shouted questions to Miller Thursday night as he left the White House, which prompted him to raise his blue-gloved hand as if to stop them. “Nobody suggested that Michael Jackson was in love with a gorgeous TSA guy when he wore a glove, did they? But why is it when a white guy wears a glove to express himself it’s suddenly suspicious?” Miller continued to deny that he is gay when asked by reporters, and accused them of being homophobic. “If you think somebody is gay just because they know a good search when they feel one, then you’re the crazy one. Then you’re a liberal!”
Nearly an hour later Miller was reported to have been shouted
out of Pepitos, a nearby D.C. Mexican restaurant, after being recognized
because of his blue gloves while sipping a mango margarita in the bar.
WASHINGTON DC – Mon April 8, 2019 Department of Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, abruptly resigned on Sunday, after months under fire from democrats and even President Trump, who appointed her. Liberals had been battling Nielsen over her many controversial policies, including the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents as they attempted to apply for asylum at the US/Mexican border.
Last week President Trump increased his attacks on Nielsen,
saying “She lost her nerve but she needs to find it again and refill those
cages.” Trump was referring to the fenced holding cells that have been used to
incarcerate the Central American refugee children apprehended at the border. The tactic of taking the children away from
their parents at the border was an effort of the Trump administration to
intimidate immigrants, which backfired when public rage about locking up
children in fenced cages swelled and DHS reversed the policy. DHS has been
unable to reunite thousands of children, according to DHS statistics as
recently as last week.
Nielsen announced Sunday that she is resigning from
government to accept the position of CEO of the beleaguered Mexican restaurant
chain, Los Cojones!™ “It’s no secret
that I love Mexican food, and have really missed it.”, said Nielsen, referring
to the public shouting down she received in a Mexican restaurant after the
child separation began in June of 2018. Video of protestors shouting SHAME while
Nielsen dined in a DC-area Mexican restaurant went viral and forced Nielsen to
leave the restaurant giving up her favorite three-cheese enchiladas in
“I’ve had to do without chimichangas for too long now.”
Nielsen said Sunday. “I’ve always loved
Los Cojones!™” Nielsen acknowledged on Sunday, so I’m very excited about making
many positive changes as I did in my tenure at DHS.”
The bankrupt national Mexican restaurant chain is in 22 red
states and California. “The famous Los Cojones!™ Wet Bars, for instance, will
soon be called Los Cojones!™ Wet Backs!”, Nielsen said. “We’ve got to have a sense of humor about
Nielsen is also planning to add new menu items including the Trump Tostada, a tostada shell full of nothing but red meat, except in the California stores where Nielsen admitted, ” we’ll have to throw in some salad.”
Nielsen also plans to add children’s sections in all Los Cojones!™ restaurants. “No parents will be allowed in those sections so that they can enjoy a nice quiet dinner with a Margarita while their children will be treated to free kid’s meals and crayons. But don’t worry.” Nielsen added. “All of those children will be reunited with their parents… after they pay, and even given free Los Cojones!™ Pralines™.”
WASHINGTON D.C. – Friday March 29th, 12:53pm ET Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, appearing before Congress for a second day Friday, retracted her call for defunding the Special Olympics after being berated by House Democrats on Thursday and after President Trump contradicted her Thursday evening by voicing support for funding the event for people with special needs. Media accounts framed DeVos as being “thrown under the bus by the administration”.
DeVos said Friday about her reversal, “I’ve been supportive of funding The Special Olympics behind the scenes for several years. Except for yesterday.”
Illinois Democrat Richard Durbin responded, “Well, I guess you deserve a gold medal in hypocrisy for your performance yesterday, Madame Secretary.” Durbin then held up a card, as would an Olympic judge, that said in handwritten magic marker, A Perfect 10 in Hypocrisy!
DeVos thanked Durbin for the high score. “I do like gold very much, Congressman, and I’m so flattered for the high marks, but it might not look right if I accepted the gold metal, so I think I’d better let the handicapped people have those precious metals.”
“It’s a gold medal, not metal with a T.” Durbin pointed out.
“Gold is a precious metal, no matter how you spell it, Senator.”
“And the term ‘handicapped’ is outdated and insensitive.”, added Durbin. “And I’m not a… oh never mind.”
Later in her testimony the Secretary of Education shocked
even Republicans on the committee when she called for funding cuts for puppies
and ice cream. Trump loyalist Devin Nunez (R-CA) asked, “How, for the love of
God, can you cut funding for ice cream?”
“It distracts children from learning.” DeVos responded. “We
have to make some hard choices because of the tax cuts for the poor.” She then
giggled and added, “It’s been a rocky road.”
DEAR DIARY, yesterday was the busiest day yet of the NATIONAL EMERGENCY
because it rained in Los Angeles. Hard. When it rains in LA there’s no doubt
that it’s an emergency. People run in the streets as if they’re being shot at.
Cars fueled by Starbucks creep along inch by inch through torrents of raging
rivers beside the carpool lane, their pilots’ faces grimacing behind their
fogged up windows as they talk about their careers on the phone. I suited up in
the bright yellow rain poncho I got at a USC game last time it rained in 2016
and headed out to assist. People will see the burgundy FIGHT ON logo on my
chest as encouraging when they are stranded and sitting on top of their cars on
the Hollywood Freeway. I take some rope from the garage just in case. It’s that
pretty multi-colored nylon ski rope and while firefighters might scoff at the
beauty of it, nobody will be laughing when it becomes a lifeline as I perform a
swift water rescue in the middle of a major intersection at rush hour. I toss
the rope and some gardening gloves and some matches (in case I need to build a
fire) in my car and drive straight into the storm. I sit at the first red light
for 5 cycles, which is 19 minutes. Then
the second stop light for 3 cycles, which takes 12 minutes, during which time
the rain has stopped and the clouds have parted. My rescue skills won’t be
needed today after all. I do a “Starsky and Hutch u-turn” and head back towards
home base. I wait through those two traffic signals for another 17 minutes
while keeping my powder (and my rescue rope) dry for the next time. LA
weatherman Dallas Raines says it’s supposed to rain again tomorrow. And I’m
#RainRainGoAway #I’veGotYourLifelineRightHere #Donate2Kickstarter4Helmets
3/9/19 5:20pm DEAR DIARY, yesterday was the 3–week
anniversary of the official declaration of NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I didn’t have
time to write in my journal because I spent most of the day online looking for
the parade. You’d think on an auspicious anniversary like this, there’d be a
military parade or at least a “Come on America let’s stick together ‘cuz it’s a
NATIONAL EMERGENCY” tickertape parade like they used to have during WW2. I went
to the City of Los Angeles Events and Street Closures website and found no
parades whatsoever. What? There was an
Arbor Day event in the valley where The Tree People were giving away seedlings,
but no parade. There was a Farmers Market in Hollywood, but no parade. There
was a health fair where you can get your blood pressure checked in an RV in
Long Beach, but no parade. Then I realized what’s happening. They’re waiting on
the one-month anniversary to do the big parade. More of a round number. #BringBackParadesDammit! #LetsCelebrateThis EmergencyRight #Happy3WeekAnniversary
3/10/19 12:12pm People are slowly starting to think about survival skills. I saw a news story online about two little girls in Northern California, who survived for a couple of days lost in the wilderness because of their…wait for it… SURVIVAL TRAINING. That’s right. There were taught in 4-H to lick the water drops off of leaves, which is why they were only mildly dehydrated when rescued. Since it’s Sunday and my neighbors don’t have 4-H, I invited them to come to my first FREE Emergency Survival Training workshop. This time, I had FREE hot dogs, because I know that food attracts people. When it did not, I figured I’d just demonstrate the 4-H method of water collection in the wild, and my neighbors would see out their windows and take note, even if they were too embarrassed about their ignorance of survival skills to attend my workshop, which was FREE by the way! So I went next door to demonstrate for whomever was looking out the window, only to realize that they have no leaves at all in their yard. They chopped down their beautiful 50yr old fir tree a few years ago. Too bad for them as they could die of thirst later in this emergency because of that one bad decision with a tree trimming company 3 years ago. I went to the next house but noticed that they too had chopped down the huge 70yr old maple tree in their yard. Do these people hate water this much? I skipped all the houses with fake grass because I’m not licking dew off of any astro-turf, I have my pride. I passed all of the treeless yards and just went straight to the one jungle-like house way down at the end of the block with leaves galore. They have those huge banana palm plants next to their living room window for perfect viewing. I approached the window quietly and noticed a woman inside in a burgundy bathrobe. Perfect. I started licking a huge leaf right in front of the window. Ewe. Nasty. I admit that I didn’t think there’d be so much dirt in my mouth since it just rained. Ewe. I turned my head instinctually and spit. Unintentionally I spit on the window and the woman inside who was observing my class seemed a bit upset about it. “It’s okay!”, I yelled through her triple-paned window. “It’s just water. Look!”, I said. And without even thinking about it, I licked it off the window, which was gross, I admit, but a good teacher will go to any lengths to bring their students to that light bulb moment, you know. It never occurred to me that I might gag, as I did, at the thought of it, afterward, and well… I threw up on her window. I was a bit surprised as it all happened so fast. I could hear some screaming through that very thick window and I figured this was enough teaching for one day and I ran home, only to find an LAPD car parked across from my house. The cop was so on top of it that he had already heard from the community about my little accident down the street. Turns out that he was very interested in my Survival Training Classes. Yay. I asked him where I could buy some LAPD cop helmets for the neighbors, and he just stared for minute, then got in his car and left. Must’ve had a call.
2/27/19 9:05am DEAR DIARY, It’s day 13 of our NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I just turned on the big screen in my special big screen viewing tent in the backyard, only to see the real news under Cohen in the crawl that Congress may vote to end the NATIONAL EMERGENCY. WHAT? Just like that? Without any closing ceremonies or signing of treaties on an old ship? This is why it doesn’t pay to invest in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY these days! Nobody’s in it for the long haul. Sure let’s just vote to end it. Let’s all take the plastic off our windows and pretend there’s no emergency. At ease, everyone. Everything’s just fine!
2/28/19 9:15am DEAR DIARY, It appears on the 14th day of this NATIONAL EMERGENCY that congress has not officially ended the emergency yet. It seems they move slowly. So until they pull the plug, there’s still plenty to do for concerned citizens. I decide to check the beaches since that is one of LA’s main vulnerabilities. I dress like a regular beachgoer, but with plastic Depends® under my khaki shorts, just in case I have to do a water rescue. Fortunately I bought a case of Depends® at the beginning of the Emergency for when the toilets stop working, never even dreaming that they’d double as a wet suit. Yet another positive benefit of preparedness. The water is calm and my earthquake app doesn’t show any recent temblors in the area, so I rule out the possibility of a Tsunami. The only invading armies I see are the tourists buying surfboard key chains on the pier. Fishermen fish, kids build castles in the sand, the Ferris wheel ferrises, and the lifeguards, however ancient, are still blonder and sexier than anywhere else on TV. Everything is normal here. Check. No sign of emergency in Santa Monica. Check. Beaches safe (except for the unsafe levels of sewage in the bay, but that’s obviously no emergency). Check. I’m returning to the valley where I am needed.
3/1/19 11:41am DEAR DIARY, Today is the 2-week anniversary of the NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I’ve concluded that Los Angelenos are just not taking this very seriously. At all. They don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. When a president declares it to be a NATIONAL EMERGENCY, that means there is an emergency… somewhere. So, I’m taking the initiative to organize my neighbors by volunteering to be our Emergency Block Captain. I make a flyer, introducing myself and point out that I live in the only house on the block with plastic over the windows. Hopefully they will get the hint and follow suit. Some people want to be prepared but just don’t know how. They need help. So I’ve taken it upon myself to help my neighbors. I’m forgiving whoever came and stole Bonnie and Clyde, my very expensive plastic ebay alligators, which I had grown very fond of by the way, and I’m offering to help even those thieves. Even if I knew who put the gnomes in my moat, I would still help them, because in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY, we all have to pull together. So I take my reward signs down from the telephone poles, and replace them with my new EMERGENCY Block Club flyers. #HelpThyNeighborCuzItsANATIONALEMERGENCY! #I’mVolunteering2BEMERGENCYBlockCaptain #IfUStoleMyGatorsIForgiveU
3/2/19 9:17am DEAR DIARY, While looking for emergencies on the weather channel in my viewing tent in the backyard, I saw a report with a black Labrador retriever helping find bodies in the rubble after a tornado somewhere and I realized that I have a black lab sitting… well, sleeping right there. Labs are great rescue dogs, and I’ve got one! But we’ll need to do some training first. So I ask Lucy if she wants to be a hero. She doesn’t move. I ask her again. She snores. I say the word “cookie” and she immediately snaps awake, starts pawing at me, and begins the slow gradual shifting of her body toward the edge of the sofa cushion (yes I moved the sofa out here too and when that earthquake comes I will feel so smart for being proactive and not having my house fall on me). I get some dog biscuits from the metal food cabinet, which is an old silver cabinet from the garage that I dragged into the yard and padlocked next to the tent (in case of bears). I tell Lucy to sit, and she stares. I show her a cookie and she sits. I say stay and she stands. I show her a cookie and she sits and stays. I see the pattern. So I show her a cookie and say “evacuate the neighbors, Lucy.” Nothing. “Illegal aliens are coming to get us, Lucy. Save us!” Nothing. I show her a cookie. “Lucy, there’s a Tsunami!” Nothing. “Go find a body, Lucy. Find a body for daddy.” Nothing. Okay, it could be that Lucy is not military grade. #GetARealDog
3/4/19 9:13am DEAR DIARY, Yesterday was the first Sunday morning in my new role as Emergency Block Captain of my neighborhood, so I decided to hold my first preparedness workshop in the driveway for the neighbors. I thought it’d be more engaging if at the first meeting they were actually doing something rather than just sitting there and listening to me tell them everything they need to know about NATIONAL EMERGENCIES. And it makes me look like a smarter leader if they have fun at our first meeting. I moved the razor wire out of the driveway and set up some folding tables so we could all build something together like they do in the parking lot on Sunday mornings outside Home Depot. But what to build that will be useful in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY? Flashlight, perhaps. Explosive diversion grenade, absolutely, but too dangerous for the kids to build. I do know how to build a harmonica out of popsicle sticks, rubber bands, and plastic wrap. It’s more like whistle really, but it could be used to signal each other. If all the neighbors built these special whistles, then we could whistle back and forth from house to house and relay messages if anything bad happens. We could whistle in Morse Code. This is a great idea and will really help keep people be safe! Thank God Michaels is still open in this NATIONAL EMERGENCY. What heroes they are. I bought the rubber bands and popsicle sticks and even some aprons like they give you at the Home Depot workshops, except these are red and say Hobbylicious in fingerpaint right above the Michael’s logo. I set up for my emergency whistle-building class. And, I waited… I waited… for the neighbors…and I waited… #Ingrates!
3/5/19 9:03am DEAR DIARY, I spent
Monday returning the unused aprons to Michael’s as they cost me $11 each. This
emergency is adding up quick. After thinking on it, I realized that the reason
no neighbors showed up for my Sunday morning workshop was that they didn’t see
the invitation signs on the telephone poles. Only Lucy-walkers and overachiever
fitness nuts ever dare to be on foot in this neighborhood, so nobody saw the
signs. Drivers don’t even slow down for the stop signs on my street, so that
must’ve been the reason.
I think everyone would be more excited about this emergency if they had an emergency uniform of some sort. A full uniform would be the best, especially if they had boots. Boots always make a uniform. But that’s way too expensive. Maybe just a hat (no, the surplus stores are gone!)? Maybe just a lapel pin, like the president wore when he declared this NATIONAL EMERGENCY a couple of weeks ago? I search the internet for pin-making sites. It’ll only cost about $5 per lapel pin, after the $250 set-up fee, and that’s if I buy at least 500 of them. So for less than $3k, I can give almost every household in the neighborhood a pin, which will make them feel more official about being an Emergency Responder. But the pin-maker site requires camera-ready artwork. I’ll need a logo for the National Emergency. Hmmm? If immigrants are the emergency then what should the logo be? The Statue of Liberty? A passport? A coyote? An ICE agent? Or should we go more “generic emergency” with flames, a huge wave, a tornado, and a missile? We could put each emergency icon in a quadrant of the logo, like a city seal. It needs to look official. I’m gonna need a graphic designer. Maybe an old one, to give us that old official feel. Not a young person with those modern swirly tech company logos, but old fashioned and out of date heavy imagery like a government would have. I put a listing for pro-bono graphic designers on a patriot website with a flag and a gun on their homepage. Now that’s the kind of emergency imagery that gets people excited.
3/6/19 7:13am DEAR DIARY, Last night it started raining in my emergency backyard viewing tent, so my big screen stopped working and everything got wet. Cold and wet. And with all the lightning, I decided it was worth the risk to sleep in the house last night. Plus Lucy needed to dry out. The whole tent smelled like wet dog. So I went inside and got online and pivoted from buying Emergency Pins to buying Emergency Pens. That one letter saved me $2000. So instead of a uniform, everybody gets a red pen that says on the side in #8font For EMERGENCY USE ONLY! NATIONAL EMERGENCY 2019 If I squint I can see that there’s writing on it. I’ll have to use a magnifying glass to actually read it, but I trust that it says what they say it says. It still costs me $600 so it’s not cheap. Man, it takes an entire marketing team and a real budget to get a NATIONAL EMERGENCY up and running properly. And we still don’t have helmets! I’m gonna create a Kickstarter campaign for my emergency helmets. #WhatsANationalEmergencyWithoutHelmets? #HelmetsMatter #EmergenciesRBetterWithHelmets #WatchYourHead #BringBackArmySurplusStores
Bedminster, New Jersey February 18, 2019 11:15am EST President Trump said on the fourth day of his National Emergency from his New Jersey golf course that our new Space Force will be in charge of building a space fence to protect America from illegal aliens. Mr. Trump said during a President’s Day golf banquet that his National Emergency applies not only to our Southern border, but also to our space borders. “It’s not just Mexico we have to worry about. You might have heard that we lost our very nice Mars Rover recently after many years… of roving…on Mars. Very sad. So now NASA is without eyes and ears in space and if you think we just need a fence on the Southern border, just think of the fence we need all around the earth.”
When asked by reporters on the 18th hole how a fence could even be built in outer space, an annoyed Trump responded, “Look, these things can be done. Just like they built the international space station in space. It’s a station, but it floats…in space. And the Russians use it, even though they are not our friends on earth, but we let them use it, because we’re all friends in space; Russia, China, and all the astronauts… from everywhere.”
White House advisor Stephen Miller defended the new strategy saying, “If we really want to keep our base safe, our voters safe, we have to keep illegal aliens out, period!” The president added, “Space aliens are mostly bad, but we don’t know who they are. A few of them, I suppose, are good space people, but mostly they’re rapists and killers. They say ‘we come in peace’, or is that the Indians who say that? Well they don’t come in peace. They have those almond eyes and there are many cases, that we know about, many many people who have been abducted by these aliens over the years. This has been going on in all the previous administrations, and they take people and put them on their ships, their spaceships, and conduct experiments. I know you love this, but it’s true, they put duct tape over the peoples’ mouths and they do their experiments. They do not come in peace. If you know science fiction, you know all about illegal aliens.”, Trump said.
NASA has been facing budget cuts over the last two years, but Trump assured the press when asked about the cost of building a space wall, “We are going to build a space wall and Gene Roddenberry is going to pay for it.” When told by Sarah Huckabee Sanders that science fiction creator Gene Roddenberry passed away many years ago, Trump added, “A star like Gene Roddenberry, who showed us how to really fight Star Wars, in case you didn’t know, lives on even as its light travels through space. Many people don’t know that. Light years they call it. Like Dog years, but many more years, because light takes longer than a dog to get here through space. The Russians put a dog in space and it took many light years to get that little dog back. But he did come home because when we focus on space, nothing can stop us.”