Space Force to Build Space Fence During National Emergency

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Bedminster, New Jersey February 18, 2019 11:15am EST    President Trump said on the fourth day of his National Emergency from his New Jersey golf course that our new Space Force will be in charge of building a space fence to protect America from illegal aliens. Mr. Trump said during a President’s Day golf banquet that his National Emergency applies not only to our Southern border, but also to our space borders. “It’s not just Mexico we have to worry about. You might have heard that we lost our very nice Mars Rover recently after many years… of roving…on Mars. Very sad. So now NASA is without eyes and ears in space and if you think we just need a fence on the Southern border, just think of the fence we need all around the earth.”

When asked by reporters on the 18th hole how a fence could even be built in outer space, an annoyed Trump responded, “Look, these things can be done. Just like they built the international space station in space. It’s a station, but it floats…in space. And the Russians use it, even though they are not our friends on earth, but we let them use it, because we’re all friends in space; Russia, China, and all the astronauts… from everywhere.”

White House advisor Stephen Miller defended the new strategy saying, “If we really want to keep our base safe, our voters safe, we have to keep illegal aliens out, period!” The president added, “Space aliens are mostly bad, but we don’t know who they are. A few of them, I suppose, are good space people, but mostly they’re rapists and killers. They say ‘we come in peace’, or is that the Indians who say that? Well they don’t come in peace. They have those almond eyes and there are many cases, that we know about, many many people who have been abducted by these aliens over the years. This has been going on in all the previous administrations, and they take people and put them on their ships, their spaceships, and conduct experiments. I know you love this, but it’s true, they put duct tape over the peoples’ mouths and they do their experiments. They do not come in peace. If you know science fiction, you know all about illegal aliens.”, Trump said.

NASA has been facing budget cuts over the last two years, but Trump assured the press when asked about the cost of building a space wall, “We are going to build a space wall and Gene Roddenberry is going to pay for it.” When told by Sarah Huckabee Sanders that science fiction creator Gene Roddenberry passed away many years ago, Trump added, “A star like Gene Roddenberry, who showed us how to really fight Star Wars, in case you didn’t know, lives on even as its light travels through space. Many people don’t know that. Light years they call it. Like Dog years, but many more years, because light takes longer than a dog to get here through space. The Russians put a dog in space and it took many light years to get that little dog back. But he did come home because when we focus on space, nothing can stop us.”

 

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STAY CALM!!!!!

presidential alert

The following is a list of six key things to do NOW THAT THE UNITED STATES IS OFFICIALLY IN A NATIONAL EMERGENCY!!!!!

  1. Stay calm. That’s important. We can’t think our way out of this if we’re all running about in a panic. Traffic’s bad enough already. Although… REALLY WE OUGHT TO BE PANICKED because that’s what A DECLARATION OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY is for! To panic everyone! That’s the point. So, resist. Stay calm!!!!!
  2. Unplug. The only way anyone will SURVIVE THIS NATIONAL EMERGENCY is to be offline. Completely. We’re all going to have to unplug for a few days. Even from Facebook®. And Instagram®. Even millennials®. Unplug your router and cable box or Direct TV®. Remember that Visqueen® plastic sheeting and duct tape the government told us to get many years ago, to tape up our doors and windows in the event of a chemical or nuclear attack? Well, we’re going to put that Visqueen® to use finally. Seal up your windows with the plastic sheeting. As many layers of sheeting as possible. And tape it tightly. It’s not for chemical weapon protection, because frankly that is just stupid to think a drop cloth from Home Depot® is going to keep you safe from Sarin® gas. But what it will keep out are the Wi-Fi signals from your neighbor’s house. Once your windows are covered, you won’t be able to tap into SUPERMARIO’s signal next door or CATHOUSE from across the street. Next, find the breaker box and cut all electrical power so as to protect you from FOX News®. Next, take out your iphone® and delete your Twitter® app. Once your cell phone battery runs out, you’ll be without charging power and will be safe from all online propaganda. Now read a book.
  3. RUN ON THE BANK! There are always runs on the bank in NATIONAL EMERGENCIES. Go straight to the nearest bank RIGHT NOW and withdraw all of your money. Today! The banks will surely collapse soon, especially Bank of America® now that AMERICA IS IN A NATIONAL EMERGENCY. So get your money before they run out, and put it under your mattress (unless you have one of those Sleep Number® beds that use air bladders instead of mattresses. For Sleep Number® customers, put your money in a coffee can and bury it in your yard. If you don’t have a coffee can because you have been buying your coffee in a bag for the past two decades since you realized that Folgers® doesn’t even taste like coffee, OR if you don’t have a yard because you live in a city where you’d have to be a millionaire to buy a house with a yard, then stuff your money under the sofa cushions. If you don’t have a sofa, use your futon cushion.)
  4. Arm yourself. This is the time to cleave unto the 2nd Amendment. This is what it was amended for. A NATIONAL EMERGENCY. This is a Blade Runner® scenario. And because you’ll be without media, you’ll be paranoid. Hallucinations are quite likely. So be ready to shoot anyone who knocks on your door. If you don’t have a door, at least get a gun. Just when we need no background checks, they finally decide to pass background checks. Oy,
  5. STOCKPILE FOOD. There’s no reason for anyone to starve to death during this NATIONAL EMERGENCY. If you need food, just go to your your local grocer (to find your local grocer use the YELP® app) and tell him the president said that he is supposed to give you free groceries. He said it on TV during the shutdown, back in the good old days, when you had electricity. If that doesn’t work, go home and before your cell phone battery dies, order a bunch of food on delivery apps like Door Dash® or Uber Eats® or EAT 24® or EATME® .
  6. Gather the following supplies; a mirror, flashlight, teddy bear, bottled water (2 gallons per person per day), any kind of helmet, and khaki cargo pants. The mirror will help curb your selfie cravings since your iphone® will be uncharged. And you’ll need the flashlight to see yourself in the mirror. The teddy bear is just because the Red Cross® always give teddy bears in emergencies, so it’s relief industry best practices. A helmet and cargo pants are just the standard costume for any NATIONAL EMERGENCY. The cargo pants have many useful pockets where you can keep candy in case you run into any local children during the EMERGENCY. It’s what our military does. They carry gum for the local kids. It’s good PR. Afghan kids go crazy for Juicy Fruit®. So if you see our military patrolling your street, don’t be scared. They have gum.

 

 

The State of His Mind

State of the Union address in Washington
Reuters

The State of the Union surprised no one. Even with the administration’s hollow call for unity prior to the speech, nobody with any common sense whatsoever thought for even one moment that the orange one was capable of taking the high road. Divisiveness is in his DNA. Unity is not.

But what if…? Can you imagine if his SOTU speech actually surprised the world? What if he would have stood there in the House chamber and done something he has never been able to do in his first two years in the White House? What if he truly brought us together? The majority of us fully understand that he is an utter fool who is incapable of bringing us together, even if he sincerely tried. He cannot put his own narcissism behind the needs of the country no matter how hard he tries. He’s sick. And stupid. That’s why he has never surprised us once by demonstrating this ability. And he never will. And to those who remain optimistic that he will someday somehow bring us all together, I have some swampland to sell you.

But just imagine what it would be like if some miracle occurred and he said… the truth. Gulp! Gasp! Imagine how the heads of most Americans would explode if he apologized deeply for the divisive meanness of his first two years in office. What if he admitted that the “birther” nonsense was nothing more than a dog-whistle to rile up the racist wing of the Republican party? What if he admitted that Hillary IS NOT a criminal? What if he admitted that The Wall was merely a red-meat slogan for the uneducated voters in his base? What if he admitted that he knowingly and wittingly harmed thousands of Central American children and families simply for political purposes? What if he just said, it is true that we worked with Russia a little bit, not to undermine our national security but simply to win? What if he said he regretted ruining our judicial system by putting unqualified judges on the bench? What if he admitted that McConnell’s refusal to hold Supreme Court nomination hearings for Obama’s nominee was indeed unconstitutional? What if he acknowledged that he shoved frat boy Kavanaugh down the throats of our grandchildren? What if he explained that his conscience was keeping him up at night? What if he dropped all the crap and we saw a rational thinking human being under all that make-up for the first time? What if…?

Imagine how horrible that would be for the sane people. Imagine how very c o n f u s e d and disoriented millions of us would be if he told the truth and had integrity. The entire world would be absolutely slack-jawed. We’d be suspicious at first and would disbelieve it. “It’s a trick.”, liberals would sputter. “We’re not falling for that!” Dems would be so completely off balance, they’d fall off Capitol Hill. The internet would explode, literally. The pages of Indivisible guides everywhere would spontaneously combust. The United Nations with all their speeches would be rendered speechless. It would be terrible for the left if Trump turned out to be a good person. No worries, lefties. He’s not. And he never will be. It’s not in his DNA.

Trump Pardons Cohen

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Washington D.C. – Tues, Jan 22, 2019, 8:40am EST         BuzzFeed reported early Tuesday that President Trump has offered a pardon to his former attorney, Michael Cohen. BuzzFeed could not confirm its own report but said that a senior Trump administration official familiar with the situation confirms that Mr. Cohen was indeed offered a presidential pardon late Monday and was informed that he could pick it up at the Saudi consulate in NYC as early as Tuesday morning.

Cohen’s attorney, Lanny Davis, declined to send Mr. Cohen to the Saudi consulate citing fears of dismemberment of his client, but expressed Cohen’s interest in meeting with administration officials at the White House. Trump administration officials first agreed to host Cohen at the White House, but then reversed course early Tuesday morning for what the administration called “scheduling reasons”, and proposed to move the meeting to the Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C.

Mr. Davis said on CNN early Tuesday “I will never send Michael to any Saudi consulate. Why? Well, because they murdered a Washington Post journalist in the Saudi consulate in Turkey, for God’s sake!” Davis then said that for Cohen’s safety, he would only agree to meet with administration officials in the Oval Office. Advisor to the President, Stephen Miller, tweeted minutes later, “Why not? We need to repaint the Oval Office anyway.”

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

picket-fence

There is a simple solution to this ridiculous government shutdown. It will save us tons of money and best of all, it will please everybody; conservatives and liberals alike. Even Mexico will love this solution. Okay, here ‘tis. Instead of a wall along the southern border, let’s build… wait for it… a picket fence. That’s right. A 2000-mile white picket fence. With flowers. Everyone will love it.

Republicans will love it because to them, nothing says “white people live here” like a white picket fence. Lee Greenwood will come to the fence every 4th of July and sing to them they will chant “Lock It Up!” and republicans will ceremoniously place an oversized lock on the gate just for the cameras. It’ll become an annual thing, like the guys in top hats on groundhog day. The Trump wingnuts will be okay with it as long as we tell them we’re only building gates into the fence at a few armed checkpoints. Although Republicans will argue for it to be taller than 3 feet, they will prefer it to a huge concrete or steel wall when we explain to them that the pointed pickets will act like barbed wire. Once they get that image in their heads of Central American children impaled on the picket fence, they’ll love it more than talk radio. And by keeping it at 3 feet, we’ll explain to them, we’ll save billions of dollars, which they can then give to their billionaire friends in their next immoral tax-cut. And now when Republicans dump out the water jugs left by non-profits to save the lives of desperate immigrants in the desert, they won’t just be killing innocents, they’ll be watering our flowers at the same time. Sweet.

The liberals will love it because nothing says “bienvenidos” to our friends across the border like a white picket fence. It’s friendly and classy, yet casual and not stuffy. Liberals want everyone to feel welcome. In fact, once liberals get behind this concept, they will insist on a white picket fence not only on the Southern border but along the entire Northern border too, before the Canadians think of it. Yes, even Canadians will like a nice little picket fence along the pristine Northern border because they too adore quaint. And these days, our friends to the North mostly want a fence to keep Americans out.

Millennials and progressives will hate it at first, because they will see a picket fence as a symbol of the billionaire 1%. Because of their student loans, they know they will never be able to own a house with a picket fence, which is totally fine because they prefer urban loft living anyway, near a metro line and trendy restaurants with no signs and those modern light bulbs that look old fashioned. BUT still, secretly they will love this picket fence idea because knowing that they can’t have it, means they’re missing out and FOMA (fear of missing out) is a real thing for millennials and it’ll drive them crazy. That fear of missing out will make them want picket fences even more than skinny jeans.

The LGBTQ community, which hates the wall idea because they are all about inclusivity, will embrace the picket fence as long as we plant lush flowers around it. Everyone knows that if you’re gay, you have to love flowers. And Judy Garland. And cakes. Gay people buy a lot of wedding cakes, it seems. The LGBTQ community is educated and thus, they fully understand that neither a fence nor a wall will keep people from coming to America. So given the choice between two bad decisions, they’ll choose the most stylish one because nobody has a better design eye than the Queer Eye.

Corporate America will also love a picket fence. Anyone who has ever had a picket fence knows that even a single-family-home-sized picket fence takes as much touch-up paint annually as would an aircraft carrier. That’s good for paint sales. And nails, and spools of weed whacker line. With a 2000-mile picket fence, even Apple and Google will consider getting into the weed whacker business as that’s where the real money will be.

Mexico will love it mainly because a picket fence is just so neighborly. It’ll make them want to come over to borrow a cup of azúcar. Everyone knows that if you have a storybook picket fence, you also have a gardener who trims around it. And in America, that means hiring a Mexican gardener. Imagine how many Mexican gardeners we would need to employ to trim the weeds around a 2000-mile long picket fence. Thousands of Mexican jobs.

So let’s scratch this awful wall idea and start talking real. A dainty little picket fence will make all of our immigration problems go away. It’s that simple.

Saudi Hit Squad to Protect U.S. from Immigrant Caravan

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WASHINGTON DC – October 24th, 2018, 9:05am EST

President Trump tweeted early Wednesday morning a threat to dispatch Saudi Arabia’s 15-man hit squad to the US/Mexico border to “take care of the caravan once and for all”. Trump was referring to the group of over 7,000 immigrants, now being called a caravan of immigrants, mostly from Honduras and other Central American countries. “This caravan, do you know who created it? Ask the Democrats. Ask the Democrats. And there are terrorist from the middle east hiding among them too. Very bad.”

Trump mentioned the 15-member Saudi team, that according to their own government was merely sent to the Saudi consulate in Turkey to “interrogate” Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Instead, they say they ended up “accidentally” killing him in a “fistfight”. Saudis have now admitted not only to killing the journalist but also to cutting him up with a bone-saw they brought from Saudi Arabia. “Whatever you say about them, you have to admit they certainly know how to take care of things in a serious way.”, tweeted Trump.

When asked later in an Oval Office press avail with the CEO’s of Exxon and Halliburton how 15 men could possibly hold back over 7,000 desperate immigrants, Trump replied, “Well that’s just the 15 we know of. And we know they use disguises, so we don’t know who is who. There may be thousands of them too, for all we know. And don’t forget they have swords.”, added the President.

“We’ve got to do something to stop these very bad people from coming into our country. And the Saudi’s, they don’t mess around.” Trump said. “We got into a little trouble for putting kids in cages, which did work by the way. It really did keep them from coming. Without the cages there’d be many more caravans to dodge. But since the liberals won’t let us do that anymore, Stephen (Miller) really likes bringing those very stealthy Saudi’s here to…let’s just say to discourage immigrants from coming. I’d hate to see them end up like that journalist.”

Trump Predicts Consulate Murder Video will be “Ratings Gold”

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WASHINGTON- Oct.18th, 2018, 7:15am, EST       President Trump tweeted early this morning that he predicts “ratings gold… high ratings if the Turks will release that video of the consulate.”, referring to video the Turkish government claims to have of the torture and murder of Saudi-born Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, which allegedly took place in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.

“If they really have this video,” the president tweeted, “as bad as it is, as grizzly as it is, I think Americans and people around the world for that matter will go crazy for it. Look at how well the slasher movies do, and those haunted houses where they jump out and grab you by the… whatever, and chase you with chainsaws. People, as odd as it seems, people really like that stuff.”

In a series of tweets, Trump mentioned the Access Hollywood audio tape where he originally made the controversial “grab ‘em by the…” comments that nearly wrecked his presidential campaign in 2016. “Let me tell you, I heard at the rallies every day how much people loved that tape, and hearing people just be honest. They said ‘we love you saying that!’”.

“I’m just saying that I think with YouTube and the hit Dexter on HBO or Showtime, all the violent stuff on the internet, I think people would really be interested in seeing that video, if they really even have anything, I mean the serious part of it, you know. That’d go viral, video of that kind of thing, if it were real. But since we haven’t seen it for ourselves, I doubt if that video even exists. Turks, if you’re listening, and you really have this, it’s ratings gold.”