Trump Pardons Cohen

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Washington D.C. – Tues, Jan 22, 2019, 8:40am EST         BuzzFeed reported early Tuesday that President Trump has offered a pardon to his former attorney, Michael Cohen. BuzzFeed could not confirm its own report but said that a senior Trump administration official familiar with the situation confirms that Mr. Cohen was indeed offered a presidential pardon late Monday and was informed that he could pick it up at the Saudi consulate in NYC as early as Tuesday morning.

Cohen’s attorney, Lanny Davis, declined to send Mr. Cohen to the Saudi consulate citing fears of dismemberment of his client, but expressed Cohen’s interest in meeting with administration officials at the White House. Trump administration officials first agreed to host Cohen at the White House, but then reversed course early Tuesday morning for what the administration called “scheduling reasons”, and proposed to move the meeting to the Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C.

Mr. Davis said on CNN early Tuesday “I will never send Michael to any Saudi consulate. Why? Well, because they murdered a Washington Post journalist in the Saudi consulate in Turkey, for God’s sake!” Davis then said that for Cohen’s safety, he would only agree to meet with administration officials in the Oval Office. Advisor to the President, Stephen Miller, tweeted minutes later, “Why not? We need to repaint the Oval Office anyway.”

Trump Hires Jackie Chan as Envoy to Russia


WASHINGTON DC. –  Hours after learning on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin had appointed American action movie star Steven Seagal as an envoy to the United States, U.S. President Trump countered by appointing action movie actor Jackie Chan to serve as his U.S. special envoy to Russia.

“Everyone knows that Jackie Chan can beat up Steven Seagal.” the President said Tuesday from his resort in New Jersey.  “Seagal’s tough, I mean, he knows karate and all that, but Jackie Chan can walk on the ceiling. Have you seen this? He’s like a miracle. Like a monkey. He’s all over the place. And these Chinese guys, they know karate, plus jujitsu, plus taekwondo, they know all of that. You don’t mess with the Chinese… except with regard to trade, or course.”

When asked what experience Mr. Chan has in diplomacy or international affairs, Trump responded, “Well let me tell you, Jackie has had a lot of international affairs. The ladies really like a guy who can move like he does. I mean he’s literally walking on the ceiling, like he’s on the moon, but he’s right here on the earth. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen his movies and he does that. And the ladies really really love him for that.”

When shown video of Mr. Seagal pronouncing Vladimir Putin’s name with precise Russian pronunciation, Mr. Trump said “Well Mr. Chan’s accent is much better than Seagal’s. Because not only can Jackie say my name with a perfect Chinese accent, he can say anything with a perfect Chinese accent. Let Seagal try that!”

There are no plans for Seagal and Chan to meet officially but President Trump suggested that he would be happy to meet with Seagal anytime with no pre-conditions. When asked why Trump wouldn’t assign Chan to meet with Seagal, Trump said, “Well I would first want to try to work things out and see what happens before I’d call in the Chinese.”

Mr. Trump touted Chan’s box office success over Seagal’s. “If you look at Jackie’s movies, the box office numbers crush Seagal’s so-called movies. Chan runs circles around Seagal, who couldn’t run if he had to. Have you seen this guy since he stopped making those action movies? Sad. Probably weighs 400 lbs now. Very sad.”

The Kremlin was unavailable for comment.

What Would It REALLY Take?


He claimed that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and nobody in his base would care. And he was right. He has lied daily, even about unnecessary things like inaugural crowd size and they didn’t care. Not one bit. He refused to show his taxes like every other candidate has done for decades, then proceeded to profit off the presidency. But they didn’t care. He’s attacked our allies and protected our enemies. But nothing was quite like when he stood next to the former Russian KGB agent-turned-dictator and said he believed him over our own intelligence agencies. That was clear treason and still they didn’t care. That was shooting Uncle Sam right in the head in front of the entire world, and still, Republicans did nothing except feign outrage for 48 hours. They didn’t care.

So what would it really take to get these 30%-40% of uneducated Americans who are trump voters to side with Reason over Treason? Hard, concrete evidence of criminal wrongdoing from Mueller? Nope. They’ll say it’s just a witch hunt. More tapes catching him lying? Nope, they don’t care if he lies. Sex photos of him with Stormy Daniels? Nope. They’ll just be more proud of him. The Russian pee-pee-tape mentioned in the Steele Dossier? Nope. Not enough. If he said he was going to undo the traditional design of Air Force One created by Jackie Kennedy, would that outrage any Republicans? Nope. What if he threatened to revoke the security clearances of the most respected security officials in the U.S. because they dared to critique his antics with serious criticism? No problem, say Republicans. What if he gets innocent people killed? He’s already done that by stupidly moving the embassy in Israel, and nobody cared at all. Crickets.

No, it’ll take cutting the heart out of what Republicans really care about to get his base to take the hand of the rest of the world. Like cancelling the air force flyover at the Super Bowl, now you’re getting to the heart of the heartland. Or demanding that they print FAKE FOOD on Cheese Whiz cans. That might be enough to hit conservatives where they live. If he banned Dukes of Hazzard reruns, he’d surely lose votes from his Southern tiki-torch carrying friends. What if he put a tariff on Chick Fil-A sandwiches? Oh that’d burn up Scott Pruitt and all those conservative chickens. If he wore a t-shirt with a Mexican flag that says “It’s pronounced Hay Sus, not Jesus” to the national prayer breakfast, that’d get him impeached. Siding with Russia wouldn’t get him impeached, but a slander to evangelicals seriously would. If he banned NASCAR, he’d just have to go. If he deported Lee Greenwood, he’d not only be impeached, he’d be impaled by conservatives.

But what if… he told the truth? Oh, wow! That might really be thing that’d undo him. Not that we have to worry that ever happening, but just imagine how his base’s heads would explode. Because if he’d told the truth, he would have never fooled those poor 70 million Americans into voting for him in the first place. If he told the truth, even they would know that he’s nothing but a fat orange bluff in an overpriced suit. If he told the truth, they’d know he’s not religious. He wouldn’t be sleeping with all those porn stars if he were truly religious, would he? If he told the truth, even the dumbest of his voters who have never left their own counties would know that he is an idiot about foreign policy. If he told the truth, they’d know he’s not really against abortion. Or even gay people. He was fine with abortions and gays during his swinging Studio 54 days. If he told the truth for once in his life, they’d know what a vacuous bully he really is. If ever he decided to tell the truth, then his gaslighted Republican devotees would finally come to see that he’s nothing more than an emperor with no clothes.

In Plain Sight

helsinki ball
Photo courtesy Real Fake News

It didn’t take a crystal ball to predict that in Helsinki, President Baby Hands would side with Russia over our own intelligence agencies. Over all of the United States’ intelligence agencies, which are in full agreement about Russian meddling in our last election. Afterall, it’s not the first time he’s sided with the Russians in this matter. He’s been insulting our intelligence agencies and vilifying our agents for years now. He even did it while oversees this week. It didn’t take a fortune teller to know that he’d continue to call the Mueller investigation a witch hunt. He’s been doing that since it began. And it didn’t take a tarot card reader to predict that he’d call his one-on-one-half meeting with Putin a success, even while the rest of the world sees it as a blatant failure.

This epic mess was all quite predictable to any human with access to world news and the ability to extrapolate. He’s been giving clear indications of his absolute lack of integrity, his narcissistic bottomless hunger for acceptance by his base, and his inability to understand or deal with reality. Fortunately, most Americans get it. Those who don’t are in the minority, though they control the majority of the government at the moment.

If you can extrapolate, then you weren’t “stunned” yesterday when our president committed Treason LIVE on world-wide television. That’s because he’s done it so many times before. If you can extrapolate, you’re wondering today why it took so long for the rest of the world to wake up. Everyone is shocked beyond belief. But should we be? We’ve had 3 years now to understand how shallow and vacuous he is. To grasp just how immoral a human can be. He’s shown us at every turn. At every divisive rally. At every opportunity.

The only people who didn’t see this coming are those …who… are…blind, meaning Republicans. Republicans have been utterly blinded by his orange glow and it’s likely that they’ll never see again. They have chosen to whistle past the graveyard for 3 years now, because of the magnitude of the hatred they held for the Clintons since they trounced conservatives two decades ago and beat them at their own game. And because of this wanton hatred, they cannot see the obvious. They are blind. Blind to the truth. Blind to basic logic. Blind to the rest of the world.

Fortunately, the rest of the world can see this train wreck happening in slow motion. It’s been 3 years of slo-mo destabilization in full view for most of us. The world sees all too well what’s going on with these sleazy people who have taken over our once-respected country. The U.N. Security Council knows. Our NATO allies can see too. Even the Queen knows, she just can’t say. As those who wish us harm can see too, what a fool Trump is. Only American Republicans are blind to it. And history will judge those Trump voters harshly, as it should.

Republicans laugh when you point out that Trump’s trying to convince Americans that the media is “fake news”, smacks of authoritarianism. They can’t extrapolate that this is seriously the first step, every time an authoritarian regime takes over anywhere. But they can’t see it. They are blind. They can’t even see it when he congratulates Phillippines’ Duterte for killing those in the streets who he deems to be drug dealers. Nothing authoritarian in his likings there, right? A Republican friend told me recently that it would be impossible for me to quote one single thing that Trump has said or done that proves he’s racist. Seriously? In a word, Charlottesville. But that my friend, a fairly rational person otherwise, can’t see this is quite stunning. She’s blind. She’s tribal-blind. She can only see what her tribe tells her is there. Anything else, she just can’t see.

It doesn’t take a genius to see who Trump is or who these people in his tribe are or that they are doing great harm to our level of civility and our institutions daily. It doesn’t take a Rhodes Scholar to see that he is putting our country at great risk. But it does take a basic level of education and context to see through all the smoke. And that is why it doesn’t take a fortune-teller to predict that today’s tribal-blind Republicans will never be able to see through this madness.