Dear Diary – NATIONAL EMERGENCY, Week 1.5

capt scott diary

8:30am DEAR DIARY, It’s day 4 of the NATIONAL EMERGENCY and a slow panic is starting to set in. I’ve run out of Cheetos and Oreos and I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on without venturing across the street to the grocery store. But I expect that the shelves will be as empty as a Russian meat market. When I peek out my window everything looks normal, which scares the living hell out of me. But wait. It’s Monday morning and… wait, there are no families walking to school as they normally would be. This is what I mean by the panic setting in. On Friday when the declaration was declared, families picked their kids up from schools everywhere without a panic, because it was all so new. But now on Monday, they’re panicking and keeping their kids home from school because it’s a real NATIONAL EMERGENCY. Makes sense. Wait. Shit. I just read that it’s President’s Day. Shit. No school today. Shit.

12:01pm. DEAR DIARY, I open the blinds to see absolutely no sign of any emergency whatsoever. Nada. They are doing a very good job of hiding it. Like that movie The Truman Show. It seems that everyone on my street is acting like everything is normal. A little bit too normal. Where are their helmets?, I wonder. It’s a NATIONAL EMERGENCY, for God’s sake. They should have helmets. Costumes aside, they’re such good actors here in LA. I wonder if the people of Smalltown Wyoming, who have never had an acting class, are as convincing that everything’s business as usual in this NATIONAL EMERGENCY?

9:02pm. DEAR DIARY, I’ve been crouching on my kitchen floor for hours eating dog food. It grows on you, actually. But, I venture over to the grocery store dressed naturally and everybody is still acting very calm. Like nothing is going on. I stayed low between the cars as I inched carefully toward the store’s entrance. Good actors everyone. Inside there’s no sign of any emergency. I know if the pop tarts are all gone that we have a serious problem on our hands. /that would mean that everybody knows how dire this is, when they’re stocking up on pop tarts. That shows a blatant disregard for one’s own health, a certain hopelessness. You stock up on carrot juice if you plan to survive the emergency, on pop tarts if you’re not planning on seeing the other side. There are plenty of pop tarts, which I take as a sign that life as we know it will indeed go on. I grab a box of strawberry with white icing and I pay with pennies because I had assumed their credit card machines would be down. They weren’t, yet. I returned home to find that I still have power. I put my pop tart in the mini-toaster and turned off the kitchen light. I crouch down on the floor in the orange glow of the toaster oven. I am glad I have electricity and food. For now. It’s an emergency.



8:16am. DEAR DIARY. Day 5 of our NATIONAL EMERGENCY. I peeked out of the blinds and can see parents are walking their kids to school today. They must think the schools are still open. Maybe they are. Maybe just to keep us all calm, they’ve been smart enough to keep the schools all going to keep us busy. Genius. I’m rationing my pop tarts today, not assuming there will be food when I go back to the grocery store later in the NATIONAL EMERGENCY

11:18pm DEAR DIARY, I found some raisins and made them into bullets. I loaded them in to my .22. Let’s hope I don’t have to use it. NATIONAL EMERGENCIES are not for sissies.



8:58am. DEAR DIARY, I have ventured out in my car. I decided to play along and go to an Arts Ed event in Beverly Hills as if there is no NATIONAL EMERGENCY. But there clearly is an emergency. The traffic in LA is stopped. Nobody is moving. 30 minutes at a single stop light. CLEARLY AN EMERGENCY. I should’ve brought my raisin gun for my road rage.



6:51am  DEAR DIARY, It’s the one-week anniversary of our NATIONAL EMERGENCY, and frankly I’m way ahead of the game. None of my neighbors have even taped plastic sheeting over their windows yet. Procrastinators. I’ve gathered up all the twigs on my street and have plenty of kindling for when the power goes out and I have to cook over the fire. And I’ve bought up all the chocolate fudge flavored Boost drinks at the grocery store so I don’t have to eat dog food over the weekend. Today I’ll set up my tent in the backyard. It’s an EMERGENCY, people.








9:45am   DEAR DIARY, It’s day 8 of our NATIONAL EMERGENCY and I decided I’d better buy some camouflage clothing, you know, just in case. In Los Angeles true camouflage would mean dressing like a car, but since Target doesn’t sell Tesla costumes, I head for my local funky army surplus store. These old surplus stores are perfect for any emergency; Gas masks, water purification tablets, utility knives, camouflage everything, army helmets with people’s names written inside of them. But when I get there, it’s gone. That old army surplus store right across from the courthouse that had been there forever… is now a hamburger joint. What? That can’t be. For 30 years I’ve never actually needed anything in that crazy store, now when the world is ending and I actually need tent stakes and wool underwear they’re sellin’ double cheeseburgers!

I sit in my car hyperventilating, then pull myself together and drive to the other big army surplus store in Hollywood. An hour in NATIONAL EMERGENCY traffic +30 mins in pre-Oscar traffic = 90 minutes in traffic only to find… what? This one is gone too?! Condos sit there laughing at me! What the hell? Is it too much to ask in a NATIONAL f’ing EMERGENCY to have a weird old army surplus store, where the clothes have already been worn and smell like mildew from WW2? I need camo gloves with leaves on them, dammit! It is not easy to prepare properly for a NATIONAL EMERGENCY in 2019 Los Angeles when they seem to have closed down all those bizarre army surplus stores. What good does a 6-story condo building with inadequate parking do you in a real emergency when you just need a pair of goggles and a corporal’s hat? I head back to the valley with camouflage nothing. Another hour to get thru the hostless Oscar fiasco + another 30 mins back to the surplus/burger joint. If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em. I order a bacon cheeseburger figuring the bacon will help me end this NATIONAL NIGHTMARE one bite sooner.



9:33am   DEAR DIARY, So here’s the thing. Some people try to be good citizens, you know, and prepare for emergencies, especially a NATIONAL EMERGENCY. And some of us even prepare extra well so that we can help others during said emergency. But some of us, who are well prepared, are starting to feel the scorn of those less prepared. Jealousy perhaps? Preparation envy? Maybe the sandbags in front of my garage door were a bit much. And I’ll admit that the barb-wire around the perimeter of my yard could be viewed as unwelcoming, which is the entire point in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY btw. If my Homeowners Association busybodies had even bothered to climb under the razor wire and over the moat, they would have seen for themselves that they are only PLASTIC ALLIGATORS in that hand-dug moat, which I felt very lucky to have found on ebay on day 2 of this NATIONAL EMERGENCY.



7:31pm   Yesterday I decided to treat myself and allow myself just a little bit of normalcy during this NATIONAL EMERGENCY. The sun was out and no tanks were in the streets so I watched the Oscars, just like in normal times. I ran a long extension cord from the house to the tent in the backyard, where I moved the big screen TV a few days ago to make me feel more at home. But clearly I should not have let my guard down. Some of my neighbors who obviously know that I’m in show business, clearly knew I’d never miss the Academy Awards, even in a NATIONAL EMERGENCY, even without a host. So they took advantage of my successful career. When I took a break from my special screening tent after the Queen song and went out front to check the moat, some wiseass neighbors of mine had breached the barb-wire in the driveway and stole my 6-foot plastic alligators, which I had nicknamed Bonnie and Clyde. I know it had only been a week, but they were like family. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, to add insult to injury my extremely inconsiderate so-called Homeowners Association cowards replaced them with two ridiculous garden gnomes, one with the tip of his stupid little pointed hat broken off. To be sure, they are NO Bonnie and Clyde! I want my crocs back, dammit!



8:34am   This NATIONAL EMERGENCY has proven to be quite mild thus far; no looting, no flooding, no tanks in the streets. It’s been a week and a half and I still don’t know what I’m protecting myself from. I go into the backyard tent and turn on cable news for clarity. Nine hours and 22 blood-pressure points later, all I know is that Rudy Guilliani is crazy. So, I make REWARD signs for Bonnie and Clyde and staple them to all of the telephone poles in my neighborhood. It’s a good thing I have the seller photo of them from ebay. I staple them right under the LOST CAT signs for Romeo, a tabby who had last been seen on Cantaloupe Street on Christmas Eve. Clearly Romeo went out on his own free will looking for a Juliet, while Bonne and Clyde were KIDNAPPED without any say-so in the matter. I put letters in every mailbox on my street asking to review security camera footage from all homes who have cameras. Somebody‘s got footage of these smartasses walking away with Bonnie… with two man-sized reptiles, and I’m gonna find them! And while I’m putting the flyers in mailboxes you’d better believe that I’m also inconspicuously looking to see if there’s a bare spot in anyone’s yard, where there might have been a broken gnome at one time. After the entire neighborhood is flyered, I get online and try to find a chiropractor. Digging that moat killed my back.

plastic gator1


Trump Predicts Consulate Murder Video will be “Ratings Gold”

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WASHINGTON- Oct.18th, 2018, 7:15am, EST       President Trump tweeted early this morning that he predicts “ratings gold… high ratings if the Turks will release that video of the consulate.”, referring to video the Turkish government claims to have of the torture and murder of Saudi-born Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, which allegedly took place in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.

“If they really have this video,” the president tweeted, “as bad as it is, as grizzly as it is, I think Americans and people around the world for that matter will go crazy for it. Look at how well the slasher movies do, and those haunted houses where they jump out and grab you by the… whatever, and chase you with chainsaws. People, as odd as it seems, people really like that stuff.”

In a series of tweets, Trump mentioned the Access Hollywood audio tape where he originally made the controversial “grab ‘em by the…” comments that nearly wrecked his presidential campaign in 2016. “Let me tell you, I heard at the rallies every day how much people loved that tape, and hearing people just be honest. They said ‘we love you saying that!’”.

“I’m just saying that I think with YouTube and the hit Dexter on HBO or Showtime, all the violent stuff on the internet, I think people would really be interested in seeing that video, if they really even have anything, I mean the serious part of it, you know. That’d go viral, video of that kind of thing, if it were real. But since we haven’t seen it for ourselves, I doubt if that video even exists. Turks, if you’re listening, and you really have this, it’s ratings gold.”

FCC Orders Bert & Ernie Into Controversial Conversion Therapy

Bert Ernie rainbow

There’s chaos on Sesame Street! After a former Sesame Street writer this week out’ed Bert and Ernie, confirming that they are indeed gay and in a long term, committed relationship. No marriage records could be found in New York State or Connecticut, where the Children’s Television Workshop is located. “Technically, I’m not sure how they could have ever been married in our state because they don’t have last names.”, said Vero Phy, of the Connecticut Secretary of State’s office. Bert and Ernie did not return our requests for interviews and reportedly did not show up for work on the set Wednesday.

In Washington, Vice president Mike Pence on Wednesday ordered the FCC to take action against PBS for allowing Bert and Ernie to “encourage homosexuality” to the children of America. “We need to Make America Straight Again.”, Pence said to a crowd of cheering evangelicals at a White House prayer breakfast Wednesday. “This is about protecting our children.”

FCC president Rich Whiteman sent a letter Wednesday to the CEO of PBS ordering Ernie and Bert to undergo immediate conversion therapy or risk their FCC Broadcasting license. PBS refused comment about the FCC’s order to send both performers to conversion therapy. Conversion therapy is extremely controversial and has been outlawed in some areas. The method of convincing homosexuals to become straight has been blamed for suicides and is not endorsed by most mainstream health care organizations as a valid form of medical or psychological treatment.

Rumors have been swirling about the sexuality of Ernie and Bert since Miss Piggie insinuated their love affair last year on The View. “Well the biggest clue,” said Miss Piggy, “is that neither of them have ever shown the slightest bit of interest in pretty ole moi. Let’s just say, that straight men can’t look away from these loins.”

Oscar the Grouch scolded reporters, “Hey, I’m the one that’s supposed to be talking trash, not the media. Leave ‘em the heck alone. They ain’t bothering anybody.” But Sesame Street’s resident vampire, Count von Count, agreed with conservatives saying, “We can’t have one homosexual, two homosexuals… because then we’ll have three homosexuals, then four homosexuals, then five homosexuals…”

Trump calls Hurricane Florence a Hoax!

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Thursday, Sept 13, 2018   6:15pm, EST

Washington, D.C. – As Florence, one of the largest hurricanes to hit the U.S. in decades, bears down on the Carolina coast, President Trump tweeted Thursday that the magnitude of the storm is being “… strongly exaggerated by the National Weather Service. It’s a hoax! They do this so they can blame me, just like they did in Puerto Rico, but it’s not gonna work because this is just rain. Just plain rain. It’s basically fake news…except for the storm.”

Byron Shelton, head of the National Weather Service assured the public in a live news conference at 1pm EST Thursday that the satellite imagery of the hurricane is indeed accurate and that the National Weather Service stands by its forecast. The National Hurricane Center also warned the public to heed their advice to evacuate coastal areas and take precautions as ordered by their local government. “This is not a hoax at all. It is a powerful storm that shouldn’t be trifled with.”, said hurricane expert Louise Thurmond of the NHC, at the same press conference.

President Trump tweeted 15 minutes later saying that, “I hate the word trifle, because it seems like truffles, which are very top notch chocolate mushrooms, but it’s not. Trifle means to mess with something. Like the fake media likes to trifle with me!”

FEMA Administrator Brock Long released a statement saying that “FEMA is doing it’s best to get positioned ahead of this storm, but because of its size, we’re having to pre-position our resources hundreds of miles inland. That’ll slow our response times. This one is gonna be a mess.”

President Trump contradicted his FEMA administrator Thursday afternoon when he called into a live FOX News show and said, “Everything is ready for this little storm. It’s just a little storm, nothing to be afraid of. We’ve got the paper towels to toss. Some said I threw them at Puerto Ricans, which is a lie. It was on the news, you can see me tossing them, not throwing, but a toss. Very respectful. And we’ve got water, in bottles, because the people like to get their bottles of water. We’re more ready than anyone has ever been.”

Puerto Rico Governor Ricardo Rosselló finally broke his silence about the Trump administration’s response to last year’s hurricane on the U.S. island and Trump’s denial this week that the death toll was in the thousands, as confirmed by George Washington University. “I’ve sat quietly beside him in the Oval Office while he gave himself an A+ for the rescue efforts in Puerto Rico.”, said the Governor. “I bit my lip when he came and threw paper towels at my people. But questioning the numbers of the thousands of Americans who died as a result of Maria and its aftermath is too just much.”

“When I visited Puerto Rico after the storm last year, there were only a handful of deaths. Now they say thousands died. The government of that country needs to get its so-called facts straight.”, said Trump Thursday afternoon. “Don’t get me wrong, it could be a beautiful country, but not if they’re all dying like that.”

Trump Bans Words, Again

Breaking News graphic

Tuesday Sept. 11, 2018, 7:31pm, EST

Washington D.C. – President Trump announced in a tweet late Tuesday that he is banning more words. He began banning specific words several months ago, although there is no indication of how those words have actually been banned since they are all still being used and since the powers of the president do not include the power to ban words. In fact, his banning of words has led to an increase of internet searches for the very words Trump has announced as “banned”, said officials at Google.

The President tweeted Tuesday evening, “Too many lies by the fake newsman Bob Woodward. Leaves me no choice but to ban the words he’s using to lie about me.” Among the words Trump is now “banning” are: Woodward, Bob, Robert, Roberto, Mueller, Post, Washington, collusion (because there IS NO collusion), corroborated, plea deal, Cohon, flip, flipper, dolphins, deposition, deposit, depose, perjury (because it’s all just a perjury trap), jury, jewelry, psycho, narcissist, moron, idiot, lodestone, resistance, New, York, Times.

“Woodward is a showboater who lies about everything.” Trump said on Tuesday morning. “I would have loved to have talked with him, I told him this, and he recorded me, and I said go right ahead cuz that’s what they do, the left, to try to catch me saying something, anything. But it’s fine because everyone knows that Bob Woodward has had a very sad career and has nothing whatsoever to show for it.” When a reporter asked if he knew about Woodward’s contribution to Watergate, he said, “It’s a very shabby building, The Watergate. There’s no water and there’s no gates. What a rip off of a building. Figures Woodward would build something like that.”

Your Hit Parade!

 military parade

Finally, a great idea from our Covfefe-in-Chief; a military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue. Fantastic! How could we not, right? I mean, we’ve got the toughest and most expensive military on Earth, so why not show it off? When the world sees what we’ve got up our sleeve, they’ll lie down their weapons and roll over. As W. used to say, “Mission Accomplished!”

Picture this! The parade begins with Wonder Woman, not the cartoon, but the real live Wonder Woman from the movie, in full costume flying her invisible plane (the one from the cartoon, only because I don’t think there really is an invisible plane in real life). If there is really one, then we go with that. Just that beautiful Israeli actor (cuz we like the Israelis more than the Palestinians, we just do) in her colorful spandex zooming over the streets of D.C. And because recreational marijuana is legal in D.C., this will make for an absolutely mind-blowing opening for liberals! Forget the stealth bomber flyover, cuz that’s soooooo Rose Parade. No, this is f’ing WONDER WOMAN!

Then, we follow that big opening with the grand marshall, none other than… wait for it… Frederick Douglass! Yep, Captain Cheetoh has said that Frederick has… “done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more.” We should definitely show him off to the rest of the world. Plus it shows that Trump is not racist. At all. Mr. Douglass will be alone on foot.

Right behind Frederick Douglass will march the tiki-torch brigade from Charlottesville (who were actually not from there but came there to show off their intimidating back yard tiki’s). We could even put some colored mosquito fluid in them so the ones at the front burn blue and red. We can get the colored fluid and some extra torches at Home Depot if we do the parade in the summer months. They won’t wear uniforms, because they’re not really military, they’re more like the Army’s back-up plan. But still, we got ‘em, so why not show ‘em off. The whole world’s watching, after all. The tiki brigade will all be asked to wear button down shirts (if they have one) all tucked in. And their hair needs to be combed, with product, and they’ll be clean shaven, again, to demonstrate to the rest of the world that even white supremacists in America are really fine people. And because these guys are nazi-wannabees, they should be the ones to do the goose-stepping. You NEVER have a military parade without the goose-stepping marchers. That’s what scares your enemies most! Because to do that for more than two blocks seriously kills your lower back, no matter how much training you have or how much lower-back support is built into your costume. And people who can goose-step like that, can easily kick your ass. They will need to practice so as not to spill the mosquito fluid from their tiki’s while goose-stepping, but just imagine if all those elegant torches are at the exact same symmetrical angle…that’ll be sweet, and intimidating.

Behind the tiki’s comes the smack down to Russia. The Speaker of the people’s House of Representatives, a shirtless and buff Paul Ryan on horseback, bareback (cuz that’s how he likes it) in the boldest political statement of the parade. It says “You, Vladimir Putin, are not the only one with a horse. And while our president is technically obese, our Speaker works out even more than a KGB agent.” We’ll rub him down with baby oil before the parade begins so his rippled chest is all shiny, like Mitch McConnell’s face whenever he’s standing at a podium. And maybe we play that Lee Greenwood song that Republicans love so much as he rides slowly, clip clop clip clop, past the Starbucks on the corner of K Street where Ambassador Kislyak hangs out. And it’s not just any old horse, it’s a Clydesdale, since they’re not using them for the Super Bowl anymore, and maybe he’s even holding a Budweiser. He couldn’t drink the beer, cuz that’d be illegal to drink it in public, but he could hold it label out, clearly saying “Cheers Russia. In your eye!”.

Then, America’s own Cirque du Soleil, from French-speaking Canada in Las Vegas. These guys are just weird and mind-blowing. They speak in gibberish (or maybe it’s French), they defy gravity, and everybody loves them. Even the Taliban will love these guys because they appeal to literally everyone. And they’re sneaky. They’ll not just walk down the street behind the Clydesdale carrying America’s budget-stud. Nope, they’ll come from the crowd. From within! Imagine the surprised Republicans lining the parade route, when these colorful bizarre Chinese acrobats from France and Canada and Las Vegas emerge right from the crowd and onto the street, cartwheeling and jabbering with that very fun dreamy music. And having Cirque will truly drive the ticket prices through the roof, so we can charge an extra $100 per parade route ticket and maybe begin to pay for the $1.5 trillion dollar tax-cut.

Colin Kaepernick will follow Cirque on an orange bicycle with training-wheels. The bike will have a sign saying “ALL Lives Matter” to show the world that we in America care about ALL colors equally, (especially Orange). Also, it’ll tell the world that we won the football fight about the national anthem, which will be playing loudly in the background. NOBODY will be kneeling because Kaepernick will be strapped onto that bike so he can’t get off. The training wheels are mostly just to embarrass him, but they will actually come in handy when he gets tired, around mile two, as he’s no Lance Armstrong. And believe me, not only will Kaepernick agree to do it, but he will pay for the bike!

We should close the parade with our best technology! No, not i-phones. Imagine, a naturalized American citizen who originally came from a shithole country (to show that we love immigrants when they have skills… and financing) sitting behind the wheel of a red convertible Tesla, playing David Bowie music, and the car is perched on the nose of the most powerful rocket ever! No, wait. That’s too much. Nobody would ever believe that.