Trump Hires Jackie Chan as Envoy to Russia


WASHINGTON DC. –  Hours after learning on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin had appointed American action movie star Steven Seagal as an envoy to the United States, U.S. President Trump countered by appointing action movie actor Jackie Chan to serve as his U.S. special envoy to Russia.

“Everyone knows that Jackie Chan can beat up Steven Seagal.” the President said Tuesday from his resort in New Jersey.  “Seagal’s tough, I mean, he knows karate and all that, but Jackie Chan can walk on the ceiling. Have you seen this? He’s like a miracle. Like a monkey. He’s all over the place. And these Chinese guys, they know karate, plus jujitsu, plus taekwondo, they know all of that. You don’t mess with the Chinese… except with regard to trade, or course.”

When asked what experience Mr. Chan has in diplomacy or international affairs, Trump responded, “Well let me tell you, Jackie has had a lot of international affairs. The ladies really like a guy who can move like he does. I mean he’s literally walking on the ceiling, like he’s on the moon, but he’s right here on the earth. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen his movies and he does that. And the ladies really really love him for that.”

When shown video of Mr. Seagal pronouncing Vladimir Putin’s name with precise Russian pronunciation, Mr. Trump said “Well Mr. Chan’s accent is much better than Seagal’s. Because not only can Jackie say my name with a perfect Chinese accent, he can say anything with a perfect Chinese accent. Let Seagal try that!”

There are no plans for Seagal and Chan to meet officially but President Trump suggested that he would be happy to meet with Seagal anytime with no pre-conditions. When asked why Trump wouldn’t assign Chan to meet with Seagal, Trump said, “Well I would first want to try to work things out and see what happens before I’d call in the Chinese.”

Mr. Trump touted Chan’s box office success over Seagal’s. “If you look at Jackie’s movies, the box office numbers crush Seagal’s so-called movies. Chan runs circles around Seagal, who couldn’t run if he had to. Have you seen this guy since he stopped making those action movies? Sad. Probably weighs 400 lbs now. Very sad.”

The Kremlin was unavailable for comment.