In “Pearl Harbor week”, Trump Turns to Victoria Secret

Surgeon Gen

WASHINGTON DC, April 4th, 2020, 9:26am EST – After being warned on Sunday by Surgeon General Jerome Adams that “This is going to be the hardest and saddest week of most Americans’ lives.”, President Trump again invoked the 1950 Defense Production Act to order another American company to pivot from their normal business model to produce goods to help with the Covid-19 pandemic. After the Surgeon General’s sobering Sunday morning statement on Fox News, the president moved to calm the panic later in the day when he ordered lingerie company Victoria Secret to “…immediately begin production on 100 million face masks. Now if they came from Victoria Secret, I’d sure want to wear one. Right?” tweeted the President.

Asked for comment on Sunday evening, a spokesperson from Victoria Secret’s parent company L Brands was completely unaware of the tweet and said only, “Uh, maybe he doesn’t know but we make bra’s not surgical equipment.”

Trump’s tweet proves that he is indeed aware of Victoria Secret’s product line. “Look, they have c-cups already made. Ready to go. I prefer a D-cup myself, over my mouth, for breathing, for breathing through it, works just like a mask, only for men. Most men will not want to take these off.” tweeted the President Sunday evening, “Except so-called men in California.”

By Monday morning L Brands’ CEO said that she still hadn’t heard directly from the White House but that “… any masks manufactured by Victoria Secret would need to carry our brand image forward. And the last thing we need right now is red-laced masks distracting frontline healthcare workers.”

“Remember those pink pussy hats?” tweeted Trump Sunday night. “I figured, why not pussy masks? Who wouldn’t want that on your mouth. People won’t want to take ‘em off.”, tweeted Trump on Sunday just after midnight.

Trump tweeted 29 times about Victoria Secret Sunday evening and into the wee hours of Monday morning until he apparently fell asleep while tweeting, “nothing feels better on your face, just keep … it… there… just… like… that… just… just…”

Democrats Getting Ready to Get Tough

Washington DC —  May 22, 10:15am EST        “House Democrats have finally had enough!” said a leading Democratic congressman, who spoke on condition of anonymity as he entered a closed-door meeting of the House Democratic caucus Wednesday morning to discuss impeachment of the president. Democrats are newly emboldened about the prospect of starting impeachment proceedings after the Trump administration has refused to honor all congressional subpoenas.

Even Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who until now has tried to quell impeachment talk among Democrats, is speaking tough. “The president is involved in a cover-up! And we will not be pushed around any longer.”  When asked by reporters what Democrats would do if former presidential advisor Hope Hicks ignores her subpoena as former White House Counsel Don McGahn did yesterday, Pelosi said, “We’ll see to it that we get her swift attention. We will hit her where it hurts.” While Pelosi refused to state what specific punishment Hicks might face, Pelosi’s deputy did not deny the rumor that House Democrats are prepared to have Hicks banned from all “cosmetics stores” in the DC area.

And if that isn’t tough enough, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke (D-TX) went even further. “We are prepared to order Don McGahn’s mother to testify on Capitol Hill if he keeps stonewalling. Nobody wants to see their mother dragged in front of the cameras.” 

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) threatened to have the gym memberships revoked of all Trump administration officials who ignore subpoenas. “We’re taking off the kid gloves and hitting them where it hurts!” Nadler said.

While no reporters were allowed in the closed-door meeting, it was leaked that Democratic caucus members overwhelmingly supported ordering the House sergeant-at-arms to have “the boot” put on the cars of all those administration officials who put themselves above the law and ignore subpoenas. “This is it. We’re fed up and we’re taking action!” said Pelosi as she exited the meeting. “We’re praying and we’re taking action. We’re all in agreement that the time has come to put an end to this flouting of the law.” Pelosi added. “When their cable is shut off, they’ll know we mean business.”