Trump Revokes Judge’s security clearance after Manafort conviction!

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Washington D.C. – Tuesday, Aug 21st, 3:55pm EST     President Trump announced Tuesday, just minutes after Paul Manafort was convicted of 8 crimes that could send him to prison for life, that he was revoking the security clearances of the Judge and the even the jury in the Manafort case. When told that jurors are just citizens and they don’t even have security clearances, Trump exclaimed, “That’s what I’m trying to figure out! Why are they sending Paul to prison if the judge and the jury don’t even have security clearances? What is going on?”

“And those jurors, horrible people. Hillary supporters clearly. How they can do this, to a really really great guy, is just unbelievable. Really unbelievable.” Trump added as he boarded Marine 1 for tonight’s rally in West Virginia.

Nearly 30 minutes into his flight, President Trump tweeted “And I’m revoking the security clearance of the judge who oversaw Michael Cohen’s plea deal as well. Stupid. First of all the guy is clearly crazy. A real showboat this one. And this judge’s parents are from somewhere, I hear it’s Mexico, but maybe some other place. Who knows? But as I’ve said before, Mexicans, but also, also Americans with Mexican heritage and Mexican parents should not be judges in America. Period.”

“The president understands fully that judges don’t have the same type of security clearances as former CIA directors.”, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said when asked by reporters. “Then why is he saying it?”, asked a Washington Post reporter. “Well the president has a colorful vocabulary and …we don’t comment on his tweets.”, said Sanders.

Tuesday’s statement and tweet by the president raised new questions about last week’s White House rumors that the president had been telling White House staffers that he was considering revoking the security clearances of Judge Judy and all of the other TV judges. Some staffers thought it was only a joke, while others reportedly added Judge Judy to the “list of people to attack in the media”.

One White House staffer said on condition of anonymity, “He’s just very unhappy with a lot of the TV judges’ verdicts. Especially the one where the guy sues his former roommate, who looked just like Heather Locklear used to look, for never paying his rent. I mean never. And the judge ruled against her, who looks so much like she did on 90210. That one really pushed the president over the edge. He was a big fan of BH902.”



Trump Hires Jackie Chan as Envoy to Russia


WASHINGTON DC. –  Hours after learning on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin had appointed American action movie star Steven Seagal as an envoy to the United States, U.S. President Trump countered by appointing action movie actor Jackie Chan to serve as his U.S. special envoy to Russia.

“Everyone knows that Jackie Chan can beat up Steven Seagal.” the President said Tuesday from his resort in New Jersey.  “Seagal’s tough, I mean, he knows karate and all that, but Jackie Chan can walk on the ceiling. Have you seen this? He’s like a miracle. Like a monkey. He’s all over the place. And these Chinese guys, they know karate, plus jujitsu, plus taekwondo, they know all of that. You don’t mess with the Chinese… except with regard to trade, or course.”

When asked what experience Mr. Chan has in diplomacy or international affairs, Trump responded, “Well let me tell you, Jackie has had a lot of international affairs. The ladies really like a guy who can move like he does. I mean he’s literally walking on the ceiling, like he’s on the moon, but he’s right here on the earth. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen his movies and he does that. And the ladies really really love him for that.”

When shown video of Mr. Seagal pronouncing Vladimir Putin’s name with precise Russian pronunciation, Mr. Trump said “Well Mr. Chan’s accent is much better than Seagal’s. Because not only can Jackie say my name with a perfect Chinese accent, he can say anything with a perfect Chinese accent. Let Seagal try that!”

There are no plans for Seagal and Chan to meet officially but President Trump suggested that he would be happy to meet with Seagal anytime with no pre-conditions. When asked why Trump wouldn’t assign Chan to meet with Seagal, Trump said, “Well I would first want to try to work things out and see what happens before I’d call in the Chinese.”

Mr. Trump touted Chan’s box office success over Seagal’s. “If you look at Jackie’s movies, the box office numbers crush Seagal’s so-called movies. Chan runs circles around Seagal, who couldn’t run if he had to. Have you seen this guy since he stopped making those action movies? Sad. Probably weighs 400 lbs now. Very sad.”

The Kremlin was unavailable for comment.