Trump Pardons Stone…for Space Force?


WASHINGTON DC, February 20, 2020, 5:31pm EST –  Following today’s sentencing of President Trump’s self described “dirty trickster”, Roger Stone, to 3 years and 4 months in prison, Trump announced today that he was pardoning Stone. Trump has pardoned other controversial convicted criminals this week, including junk bond king Michael Milken. What is different this time is that Trump cited the reason for the Stone pardon as a “public need for leadership” in Trump’s fledgling new branch of the military, Space Force. “I’m pardoning Roger Stone,”, acknowledged the president, “and by the way I really don’t know him well at all, but I need him, we need him, to lead our new Space Force.”, said the president on The White House south lawn, although Stone has no military experience.

“He’s the real Joker, in that purple hat. Cesar Millan could never get away with that hat and you know it.”, said Trump, apparently mistakenly referring to Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan instead of Cesar Romero, who was the original Joker in the Batman television series. “And those round glasses. Nobody can get away with that except Roger, and he looks good doesn’t he? You know he looks good in that uniform. And I know it. Frankly, I can see all of them wearing that stuff. It’s like Batman. But in space.”

Trump then added that he pardoned former disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich earlier this week because of his jailhouse nickname, Chewy. “I can only imagine why they called him Chewy in prison. I can imagine that quite vividly. Jail is a tough place.”, said Trump. “And we just lost our Chewbacca, the real one. So we need Rod for that now.” When a reporter asked whether he would admit that Blagojevich was a crook, Trump replied, “I will admit… that when I saw the video of him coming out of jail with that white hair, I admit I was shocked. Looks good on Paul, actually, but not so good on Rod. But in the Chewbacca costume, it won’t show at all. So together Roger and Rod, oh I like the sound of that, don’t you? Roger and Rod. Together they’re gonna be two great leaders of Space Force.”

When asked by reporters about rumors that he’d been considering hiring unemployed prince Harry to head Space Force, Trump said “No, I decided against it. Harry would be great. He flies choppers in the military and all that. And he’s a Brit. We love our Brits. But that wife of his, what’s her name, she’s a nasty one.”

Trump has tweeted about Meghan 47 times in the last month including attacks on her mixed race parents and calling her a “Californicator”. “She’s now the only Black Canadian, other than Trudeau. Did you see those photos of him?”, added Trump. “Bad news.”

The State of His Mind

State of the Union address in Washington

The State of the Union surprised no one. Even with the administration’s hollow call for unity prior to the speech, nobody with any common sense whatsoever thought for even one moment that the orange one was capable of taking the high road. Divisiveness is in his DNA. Unity is not.

But what if…? Can you imagine if his SOTU speech actually surprised the world? What if he would have stood there in the House chamber and done something he has never been able to do in his first two years in the White House? What if he truly brought us together? The majority of us fully understand that he is an utter fool who is incapable of bringing us together, even if he sincerely tried. He cannot put his own narcissism behind the needs of the country no matter how hard he tries. He’s sick. And stupid. That’s why he has never surprised us once by demonstrating this ability. And he never will. And to those who remain optimistic that he will someday somehow bring us all together, I have some swampland to sell you.

But just imagine what it would be like if some miracle occurred and he said… the truth. Gulp! Gasp! Imagine how the heads of most Americans would explode if he apologized deeply for the divisive meanness of his first two years in office. What if he admitted that the “birther” nonsense was nothing more than a dog-whistle to rile up the racist wing of the Republican party? What if he admitted that Hillary IS NOT a criminal? What if he admitted that The Wall was merely a red-meat slogan for the uneducated voters in his base? What if he admitted that he knowingly and wittingly harmed thousands of Central American children and families simply for political purposes? What if he just said, it is true that we worked with Russia a little bit, not to undermine our national security but simply to win? What if he said he regretted ruining our judicial system by putting unqualified judges on the bench? What if he admitted that McConnell’s refusal to hold Supreme Court nomination hearings for Obama’s nominee was indeed unconstitutional? What if he acknowledged that he shoved frat boy Kavanaugh down the throats of our grandchildren? What if he explained that his conscience was keeping him up at night? What if he dropped all the crap and we saw a rational thinking human being under all that make-up for the first time? What if…?

Imagine how horrible that would be for the sane people. Imagine how very c o n f u s e d and disoriented millions of us would be if he told the truth and had integrity. The entire world would be absolutely slack-jawed. We’d be suspicious at first and would disbelieve it. “It’s a trick.”, liberals would sputter. “We’re not falling for that!” Dems would be so completely off balance, they’d fall off Capitol Hill. The internet would explode, literally. The pages of Indivisible guides everywhere would spontaneously combust. The United Nations with all their speeches would be rendered speechless. It would be terrible for the left if Trump turned out to be a good person. No worries, lefties. He’s not. And he never will be. It’s not in his DNA.

Trump Pardons Cohen

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Washington D.C. – Tues, Jan 22, 2019, 8:40am EST         BuzzFeed reported early Tuesday that President Trump has offered a pardon to his former attorney, Michael Cohen. BuzzFeed could not confirm its own report but said that a senior Trump administration official familiar with the situation confirms that Mr. Cohen was indeed offered a presidential pardon late Monday and was informed that he could pick it up at the Saudi consulate in NYC as early as Tuesday morning.

Cohen’s attorney, Lanny Davis, declined to send Mr. Cohen to the Saudi consulate citing fears of dismemberment of his client, but expressed Cohen’s interest in meeting with administration officials at the White House. Trump administration officials first agreed to host Cohen at the White House, but then reversed course early Tuesday morning for what the administration called “scheduling reasons”, and proposed to move the meeting to the Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C.

Mr. Davis said on CNN early Tuesday “I will never send Michael to any Saudi consulate. Why? Well, because they murdered a Washington Post journalist in the Saudi consulate in Turkey, for God’s sake!” Davis then said that for Cohen’s safety, he would only agree to meet with administration officials in the Oval Office. Advisor to the President, Stephen Miller, tweeted minutes later, “Why not? We need to repaint the Oval Office anyway.”

Trump Predicts Consulate Murder Video will be “Ratings Gold”

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WASHINGTON- Oct.18th, 2018, 7:15am, EST       President Trump tweeted early this morning that he predicts “ratings gold… high ratings if the Turks will release that video of the consulate.”, referring to video the Turkish government claims to have of the torture and murder of Saudi-born Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, which allegedly took place in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.

“If they really have this video,” the president tweeted, “as bad as it is, as grizzly as it is, I think Americans and people around the world for that matter will go crazy for it. Look at how well the slasher movies do, and those haunted houses where they jump out and grab you by the… whatever, and chase you with chainsaws. People, as odd as it seems, people really like that stuff.”

In a series of tweets, Trump mentioned the Access Hollywood audio tape where he originally made the controversial “grab ‘em by the…” comments that nearly wrecked his presidential campaign in 2016. “Let me tell you, I heard at the rallies every day how much people loved that tape, and hearing people just be honest. They said ‘we love you saying that!’”.

“I’m just saying that I think with YouTube and the hit Dexter on HBO or Showtime, all the violent stuff on the internet, I think people would really be interested in seeing that video, if they really even have anything, I mean the serious part of it, you know. That’d go viral, video of that kind of thing, if it were real. But since we haven’t seen it for ourselves, I doubt if that video even exists. Turks, if you’re listening, and you really have this, it’s ratings gold.”

Trump Bans Words, Again

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Tuesday Sept. 11, 2018, 7:31pm, EST

Washington D.C. – President Trump announced in a tweet late Tuesday that he is banning more words. He began banning specific words several months ago, although there is no indication of how those words have actually been banned since they are all still being used and since the powers of the president do not include the power to ban words. In fact, his banning of words has led to an increase of internet searches for the very words Trump has announced as “banned”, said officials at Google.

The President tweeted Tuesday evening, “Too many lies by the fake newsman Bob Woodward. Leaves me no choice but to ban the words he’s using to lie about me.” Among the words Trump is now “banning” are: Woodward, Bob, Robert, Roberto, Mueller, Post, Washington, collusion (because there IS NO collusion), corroborated, plea deal, Cohon, flip, flipper, dolphins, deposition, deposit, depose, perjury (because it’s all just a perjury trap), jury, jewelry, psycho, narcissist, moron, idiot, lodestone, resistance, New, York, Times.

“Woodward is a showboater who lies about everything.” Trump said on Tuesday morning. “I would have loved to have talked with him, I told him this, and he recorded me, and I said go right ahead cuz that’s what they do, the left, to try to catch me saying something, anything. But it’s fine because everyone knows that Bob Woodward has had a very sad career and has nothing whatsoever to show for it.” When a reporter asked if he knew about Woodward’s contribution to Watergate, he said, “It’s a very shabby building, The Watergate. There’s no water and there’s no gates. What a rip off of a building. Figures Woodward would build something like that.”

Trump Revokes Judge’s security clearance after Manafort conviction!

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Washington D.C. – Tuesday, Aug 21st, 3:55pm EST     President Trump announced Tuesday, just minutes after Paul Manafort was convicted of 8 crimes that could send him to prison for life, that he was revoking the security clearances of the Judge and the even the jury in the Manafort case. When told that jurors are just citizens and they don’t even have security clearances, Trump exclaimed, “That’s what I’m trying to figure out! Why are they sending Paul to prison if the judge and the jury don’t even have security clearances? What is going on?”

“And those jurors, horrible people. Hillary supporters clearly. How they can do this, to a really really great guy, is just unbelievable. Really unbelievable.” Trump added as he boarded Marine 1 for tonight’s rally in West Virginia.

Nearly 30 minutes into his flight, President Trump tweeted “And I’m revoking the security clearance of the judge who oversaw Michael Cohen’s plea deal as well. Stupid. First of all the guy is clearly crazy. A real showboat this one. And this judge’s parents are from somewhere, I hear it’s Mexico, but maybe some other place. Who knows? But as I’ve said before, Mexicans, but also, also Americans with Mexican heritage and Mexican parents should not be judges in America. Period.”

“The president understands fully that judges don’t have the same type of security clearances as former CIA directors.”, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said when asked by reporters. “Then why is he saying it?”, asked a Washington Post reporter. “Well the president has a colorful vocabulary and …we don’t comment on his tweets.”, said Sanders.

Tuesday’s statement and tweet by the president raised new questions about last week’s White House rumors that the president had been telling White House staffers that he was considering revoking the security clearances of Judge Judy and all of the other TV judges. Some staffers thought it was only a joke, while others reportedly added Judge Judy to the “list of people to attack in the media”.

One White House staffer said on condition of anonymity, “He’s just very unhappy with a lot of the TV judges’ verdicts. Especially the one where the guy sues his former roommate, who looked just like Heather Locklear used to look, for never paying his rent. I mean never. And the judge ruled against her, who looks so much like she did on 90210. That one really pushed the president over the edge. He was a big fan of BH902.”



One Moron Thing About Stupid


So one more thing about Stupid. I’ve heard from a few readers that I went too far in calling Trump voters stupid. And after giving it some thought I realized that rather than modeling our Covfefe-in-chief’s behavior of name calling, I should have instead relied on the more refined language attributed to our Secretary of State when he recently referred to Captain Cheetoh as a Moron. Yes moron is definitely more appropriate language and it more completely describes him, and many of those who support him.

Being stupid seems hopeless, somehow. I mean that’s a big hurdle to overcome. If you’re just plain stupid, how are you ever gonna get around that? But being a moron somehow seems conditional. I’m sure uncle Rex just thinks Trump is moronic about nuclear weapons while thinking he’s very smart about other things like… well many, many, other things, I assure you. Tillerson wouldn’t keep working for him if he thought Trump to be a total moron, would he? No. Of course not. So calling someone a moron, I deduce from the Secretary of State, is actually much nicer than calling someone stupid, which is just plain rude.

Now the good news is that the stupid people who voted to Make America Great Again don’t know the difference between these terms. And while they don’t like being called a moron or stupid, the first syllable of Moron is MORE, which stupid people like. They want more of most things; more flag salutes, more prisons, more wars with more terrorists, more of Sarah Huckabee Sanders insulting the press. There are only two things Morons don’t want more of; political correctness and regulations. They don’t know why they hate these two things, but they know that they are bad. Everything else though, they want more of. So to be a moron is not so bad because it sounds like you have more.

And now that our distinguished Secretary of State has said aloud what so many have thought, that Trump is a “fucking moron”, those who believe him to be so smart will want to be whatever he is, even a moron. So if you were offended by my previous piece about stupid people who are complicit in supporting him, relax, you’re not stupid at all, you’re just a moron, which is like being stupid, only less often. It’s like partial stupidity, but more precisely focused. If stupid is a condition, think of being a moron as having a skill. It’s a stupid skill, but hey, a skill is a skill if you’re an out-of-work coal miner, right?

If you’re still not sure whether you’re just stupid or you’re a moron, then here’s a simple 2 point test.

  1. If you think that Trump eliminating the ACA subsidies will lower your health care costs, then yes, you are indeed a moron.
  2. If you believe him when he says the Iran nuclear deal is bad for the U.S., even while every credible global nuclear expert says it’s a smart deal for the U.S. and our allies, then you’re a stupid moron.

If you answered yes to either of those, there’s good news. The bar has now been lowered for morons everywhere and if you fall into that category there is much to celebrate. Someday, with your skills, you could be President of the United States.