WASHINGTON DC, Aug, 24, 1:10pm EST Robert Mueller is tightening the noose even more on Donald Trump by offering immunity to his closest confidants. Thursday he granted immunity to media magnate David Pecker, who runs the National Enquirer and oversaw the “catch and kill” of the story of one of Trump’s extramarital affairs with porn stars to keep the stories from public view and help Trump win the election.
Then Friday morning Mueller announced that he had offered immunity to Allen Weisselberg who has been the CFO for the Trump organization for decades, going all the way back to Trump’s father. Weisselberg is alleged to have arranged payments to one of the women and for reimbursements paid to Cohen. Weisselberg has extensive knowledge of the Trump organization’s expenditures, which could provide powerful criminal evidence for the Mueller investigation on many fronts.
At noon on Friday, Mueller made yet another announcement. He announced that he will also grant immunity to the president’s personal hair stylist. A source close to the investigation said, “This might be the most important person yet to receive immunity because all reports indicate that Trump is most loose-lipped in the mornings, while having his hair done and watching Fox and Friends.” Trump has even been known to call in to the controversial morning TV show while having his comb-over sculpted.
“Nobody cares what shade of orange the president’s hair dresser uses.”, said Trump’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani. “The hair dresser is not an elected official and knows nothing anyway. Look, we all know that hairdressers everywhere, I mean in every town everywhere, hairdressers know who is sleeping with who… that’s true. My hairdresser doesn’t know anything, but that’s because they only work on me for about 1 minute.”, Giuliani said joking with reporters and pointing to his own mostly bald head.
The name of the presidential hair stylist has not yet been released by Mueller, but Trump is said to have had the same hair stylist since before he went orange. An unnamed White House aide said, “He just sits there spewing about the news while he watches Fox for 2 hours every morning and while she works on the CO for the whole time hearing everything he says. The CO, is the secret service code name forwhat the staff calls his comb-over.”, the aide added. “She knows, perhaps more than anyone else on earth, what Trump is thinking.”, said the aide on condition of anonymity.
Rumors also began swirling in the West Wing Friday that Mueller is considering granting immunity to the make-up artist who is in charge of his dark base (his base make-up, not his ultra white political base) and the white around his eyes. “Bring it on.”, said Giuliani. “For those of us old enough to remember Witchiepoo from HR Pufnstuf, she had the most white around her eyes and her hair was over-the-top-orange and nobody ever said ‘Well we ought to subpoena her make-up person, or her hair dresser, for that matter’.”